Episode 69: Unlearning Success: Transforming Old Patterns and Beliefs - Cal Callahan

Cal Callahan and Kevin Davis discuss various topics including personal growth, investing, and relationships. Cal shares his journey of unlearning and how he invests in projects and founders that align with his values. They also talk about the challenges and rewards of long-term relationships, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and personal growth. In this conversation, Cal Callahan and Kevin Davis discuss the importance of self-discovery and personal growth in maintaining a successful and fulfilling relationship. They explore the impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships and the need for vulnerability, grace, and accountability in a partnership. They also touch on the concept of success and define it as freedom, connection, and being true to oneself.

Takeaways:

• Investing in projects and founders that align with your values can be more fulfilling than purely financial ventures.
• Long-term relationships require self-awareness, personal growth, and the ability to navigate challenges.
• Unlearning old patterns and beliefs can lead to personal transformation and a new way of being.
• Treating celebrities and successful individuals as equals and focusing on genuine connections can create meaningful relationships.
• The education system often emphasizes finding the right answer, but personal experience and curiosity can lead to deeper understanding.
• Being of service and helping others can bring fulfillment and create a positive impact in the world. Childhood experiences can have a significant impact on adult relationships, and it is important to uncover and work through any unresolved issues.
• Vulnerability, grace, and accountability are essential in maintaining a successful and fulfilling partnership.
• Success is defined as freedom, connection, and being true to oneself.
• Self-discovery and personal growth are ongoing processes that require curiosity, accountability, and the ability to let go of past experiences.
• It is important to strike a balance between exploring childhood memories and making meaning out of them without getting stuck in victimhood.
• Being authentic and true to oneself is crucial in finding success and fulfillment in all areas of life.

Chapters:

07:09 Embracing Curiosity and the Unknown
15:58 Investing in Values and Building Genuine Connections
29:18 Uncovering and Working Through Childhood Stories
39:51 Defining Success as Freedom and Authenticity

About Cal:

Cal, a retired trader, hosts The Great Unlearn podcast and runs Unlearn Ventures — an investment fund and incubator for forward-thinking projects. He lives in Austin, TX with his wife, three kids, two dogs, cat and pet pig named Petunia.

Through The Great Unlearn Podcast, Cal shares conversations with some of the world’s leading experts & performers to help men and women unlearn their way into a new way of being.

To learn more about Maxed Out Man and to maximize your potential, visit www.maxedoutman.com or connect with us on Social Media:

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Transcript

0:00
Welcome to maxed out man helping you
0:06
become the man you were made to be hey guys this is Kevin Davis from the
0:11
max out man podcast I here with Cal Callahan today which is going to be super exciting I wanted to mention first
0:17
if you are looking to take your manhood to the next level I don't know if that sounds right take your manhood to the
0:22
next level but uh take your masculinity whatever you know this isn't one of those little pill commercials but head
0:28
over to maxed out man we've got all sorts of stuff over there and uh we'd love to connect with you and
0:34
help you do uh do just that so hey let me read Cal's quick bio uh C retired tra
0:40
Trader hosts the great unlearned podcast and runs unlearn Ventures uh an
0:46
investment fund and incubator for Forward Thinking projects He lives in Austin Texas just I was just there not
0:52
too long ago uh with his wife three kids two dogs A cat and his pet pig Nam
0:57
petunia which is super hilarious I love that you have a pet pig uh through Great learn through the great unlearned
1:04
podcast Cal sharers conversations with some of the world's leading experts and performance to help men and women
1:09
unlearn their way into a new way of of being and I I kind of I stalked you a little bit on Instagram yesterday last
1:16
night and looked at some of your podcast guests I'm like man I don't know if I'm qualified to have po Cal on my podcast
1:22
but this is super super cool that he's here you definitely are and and I have to tell you a funny story I'm I'm kind
1:28
of I've got your picture up uh on my computer this morning I'm looking through your bio and kind and my wife
1:34
kind of comes into my office she I'm like yeah he's 52 he's been married for 24 years you know I'm 51 I've been
1:40
married for 28 years going on 29 and she's like what what are you guys are
1:45
you like made in a lab all these guys because you're like the same you know like same basic haircut we're we're
1:53
we're working on our fitness we're you know all of these different things I'm like I don't I don't know but it's fun
1:58
to hang out with this guys I've I've been blessed lately to really have a lot of men like you and me into my life and
2:07
it's it's a super huge blessing so I appreciate you being here yeah no I think I think she's on to something I
2:13
think we're on to something I think there's something happening where men like us who have had careers and fitness
2:21
is important to us and our relationship is important to us we were searching for
2:27
something more because the the career wasn't wasn't it
2:33
and when other men pop into that kind of awareness you kind of find a tribe of
2:40
men that are asking the same questions we we we don't I I don't find we landing
2:46
on any answers we just like it's a it's a whole different orientation because
2:52
we're so used to having the answers and it's like calling for me in particular it's calling me into this like can you
2:58
just sit in the the not knowing and can you just be curious and can that be okay
3:03
can that be enough for you and it's hard because there's a part of me that I've
3:10
grown up with that has created a lot of success for me that is dependent upon
3:17
getting a right answer and uh this this stuff is not in my experience it's not
3:23
about that no yeah it's funny because I always the joke I always tell and my wife will repeat this is like hey if I
3:30
don't know the answer I'll make one up that's like that's like the guy code
3:35
right like it's you're so used to having the answer and you know those of us and I'm sure most entrepreneurs kind of fall
3:42
into this generalist category which you have talents in a lot of different areas
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and you kind of have this knowledge base in order so you can do a lot of little things that's how I'm kind of geared
3:53
like I can do construction and work on cars and do marketing and all these different things but the thing I have to
3:59
remember is I'm not as smart as I think I am right and being around men like yourself
4:05
and some of the other men I'm around I just I re-engineer my brain to say I want to learn everything I can from
4:13
these other men and women but other people in my life yeah and it's it's it
4:18
is a kind of a roote Awakening on the one hand when you realize you don't know nearly as much as you think you
4:24
do when you give yourself the space to like not have to know all that that that is the other side of it that is a true
4:31
blessing it's just hard for us I think to get to that point where it's like dude you don't need to know everything
4:38
it's okay you know there's a we're brought up in that system you know men and women in the school system is you
4:45
know I don't want to get started on that but it's it's we go you know we homeschooled our kids so yeah so our our
4:53
kids were homeschool for for a period of time and then they're finally like we kind of want to go to school with like other kids yeah so we we did the best we
5:01
could within the homeschooling and then with what you know kind of options we had after that but I've always tried to
5:08
share with my kids like look this is just a game that you know if you're going to go to the schools here you just
5:16
got to play the game and it's not a reflection on you one way or the other but just like give an effort you know do
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your thing but it's it's hard to um you know
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they get we all get indoctrinated into that system of like there's a right answer and the answer is not based on
5:34
any of your own experience it's based on someone else's experience or someone else's supposed experience we don't even
5:40
know we're just taking this stuff for fact when I found that when I really get
5:46
to speak on my own experience that's when the truth comes out that's when it's it's undeniable because it's my
5:53
experience and it's my perspective on my experience and shifting to that has like
5:59
when I just just stay in that lane it just things get a lot easier for me I try to get a little smart it gets I I
6:07
get doesn't work yeah and I like that I you know when the I used to tell the girls my
6:14
kids I've got two that are 26 and 24 but they started out in public school and
6:19
then went into homeschooling and we used to explain look this this is a microcosm
6:24
of society and life that doesn't really exist anywhere else on the Planet like
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you know and that's why so many people I think people get out of that education system and then try to apply that same
6:38
microcosm what they learned there into real life and it's like we don't I don't know what I'm doing yeah it just it's
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kind of saps a lot of creativity and free thinking out of kids and you know a
6:51
couple of my kids in particular I have three kids a couple of them that's just not a good fit I mean they'll play the
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game but they're meant to be artists and to create and to see things differently
7:02
and for that to be honored and to not I mean listen I I grew up I was really good at math and I would write
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everything down and I would do the problem one of my kids he's like I don't get I don't understand why like I don't
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need to do that I know the answer and most of the time he's right and sometimes he's wrong well I'm like why
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wouldn't you just write it out in that way he's just like that's just not how I operate he's okay not being 100% correct
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it's like okay that's a different you know but he's like or show show show your work right like that yeah
7:37
F you just show your work he's like because it's it's stupid to do that it's like you do kind of have a point because
7:44
you mostly get the right answer and it's just like him pushing back on the system in his way you know and and how do you
7:52
like how do you Foster that with your kids and I want you to kind of I'd love for you to kind of explain more of your story uh going into the unlearning um
8:01
the unlearned podcast your unlearned project and all that um but kind of how do
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you essentially tell us that story because I don't it's it's not it's not something I think most people are kind
8:13
of tuned into and so maybe start there and we can we can move from up yeah
8:18
right out of right out of college I moved to Chicago and got a trading job and I was a Trader there for 18 years uh
8:26
from 95 until 2013 in 2013 I decided it was it was time for
8:32
me to leave the business uh I had loved it for a long time and in the last couple years it just was clear that I I
8:39
needed to leave I needed a different kind of path so we moved down to Austin
8:45
in 2013 and I went about on some different projects I got involved with a pro-
8:51
Fitness League called the national prog grid league and I was I owned one of the teams the the league lasted three
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seasons it was a great great experience it was fun it was expensive um but I
9:03
loved Fitness I still do and I Lov the team atmosphere I grew up playing sports
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I played hockey in college and so just there was a lot that was coming together there and it was it was I would say
9:16
Loosely it was like taking CrossFit into a team atmosphere um like a traditional
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Sports league and I was huge in the CrossFit back then so I love that anyway
9:28
do that pivot away from that after 2016 and all along I've just invested in
9:35
different projects some real estate a lot of cpg stuff and and other things
9:41
that I'm interested in and so that's kind of where the unlearned Ventures piece comes uh it's it's all my Capital
9:48
um but it's it's things you know really the last four or five
9:54
years has been centered on really supporting founders
10:00
that I believe in and um less about some
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cool idea or cool new product like i' I've done enough of those where a lot of
10:11
times it just don't work out and when I look back it's the leadership at the top wasn't wasn't right and so I've really
10:18
focused on making sure that I believe in the person it's an interesting yeah uh we're
10:26
sorry I want to we're I'm having a little trouble we're got a little bit of a lag do you have lag on my side uh no
10:34
there was a little lag right there when you spoke up yeah I'm losing you for like 15 seconds at a time but I think
10:40
we're we'll we'll keep going I'm kind of taking note of this timestamp um but and I don't know if it's on who knows
10:47
technology usually with Riverside they're good about putting it together so we yeah so as long so as long I could
10:53
still understand what you're saying I think I don't know about that it was a delay or not
11:00
but you're talking about um you know being investing in these projects and so is that something to where like if you
11:06
if you view it like okay this is a pure Financial Venture that I'm interested in and that's like that's the thought
11:13
process what's my Roi versus hey this is something I can see myself being passionate in you know is that it seems
11:21
like you know it's kind of a loaded question but it seems like one would be a more fulfilling you know Venture than
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the other I spent most of my investing time in that first bucket and and uh
11:34
it's great when you get a big win and when you do get a big win it's like it's shortlived it's like the check hits the
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account and then it's over uh and I just had an epiphany you
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know maybe three probably three years ago and uh I just started to realize
11:52
like who I was actually investing in I like oh I'm actually being much more conscious about who I'm investing in and
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I realize that that relationship is generally going to be
12:05
two to 4 to six to eight it's going to be a long relationship and so that is
12:10
more important to me that journey of like what we're building together how I can support I mean I'm a passive
12:16
investor in a lot of these things but I will step in and make connections and do
12:22
what I can to support the founder and you know whatever we're we're trying to build as a brand but I started to
12:30
realize that that payday is like so short it's just like a metaphor for life it's like you know we all think if we
12:36
make a certain amount of money or we do this thing if you know when this happens then I'll feel this way it's the same
12:43
thing with investing think like I invest in this if it's going to have a 5x over this many years like that'll be great
12:49
and it's just the payday comes and it's not fulfilling and so what what am I
12:55
signing up for and I realize that when I write that check when I'm on board
13:01
there's a part of me that is involved energetically with that project and so
13:07
that's super important that I'm Discerning about who I'm kind of giving those resources away
13:14
to yeah because it's you know one we talk a lot we talk about three things man marriage and Mission right and so
13:21
from a mission standpoint that's that's kind of the idea right like that's business purpose uh community service
13:28
helping other people and it I we we had a I did a a webinar with a guy named um
13:34
David Meltzer who is the and I want like Brian Meltzer he's the guy that Jerry
13:40
Maguire character was and I keep wanting to call him and it actually is David I keep want
13:46
to call him Brian but it's actually David okay yeah um but he was talking a lot about this giving aspect of
13:53
everything that we can do and kind of giving back and and for you it's helping the founders
13:59
you know providing some Financial obviously there's an investment component in that but it's really it's really this mission of how do I build
14:06
other people up to help them be successful and then in turn be successful in myself yeah that's that's
14:12
a I think that's a great way to look at it and it's being of service in a certain way and yes there is a a check
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that's written so that's part of it but it's not just about that and I think in
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the past it was more about that that and I I
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I didn't maybe recognize um as much the network that I have and
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the people that I've created relationship and trust with and
14:44
and so those relationships are really important to me and so I won't just reach out for any kind of favor but
14:51
it'll it'll have to be something where everybody you know everybody has a a
14:57
nice little win in there yeah well he talked about he gave a phrase that he always likes to ask two
15:02
questions once he kind of gets down further into these relationships with is if I were able to do X right what would
15:10
that thing be and how would that help you and then that so that's the giving aspect of it and then as he gets that
15:17
answer then he will ask you know could you would you be willing to do X for for
15:23
me and those questions don't you know they're not always succinctly like right together but I think asking that
15:29
question first and and I found and I'm you know I don't run in the same level of circles that you do but I I run in
15:36
similar circles in that way but I found if you just in if you just invest in
15:41
other people no matter what they do for a living um I've never really had that like celebrity worship or you know like
15:49
that and I'm I'm guessing you're the same way but it's it's like hey this guy just happens to have a really cool job
15:54
and it happens to be much more public facing than mine but but at the end of the day he's just trying to earn a
16:00
living and have a good life and have a good family and be successful and all that kind of stuff so it doesn't really matter like how can I help I'm sure
16:06
there's a way I can help him and I'm if you know if he can help me at some point that's great too yeah I think I think we
16:12
we do as a society and it makes sense I mean the the celebrities the athletes
16:18
Hollywood musicians whatever they're they're put on a pedestal and uh you
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know I've been fortunate enough for a number of years to be around a lot of those people
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and they're so very human they have all the same [ __ ] in their lives that we
16:37
do it just you know so I I I feel for them because their life is just very
16:43
public you know I'm out with them I'm like God it's so great nobody knows who the [ __ ] I am and here I am people are
16:49
coming up wanting pictures with you know this guy and that guy and it's like that's just got to suck um and so if
16:56
they do something out in public when they had a few drinks or whatever like everybody knows about it uh and so you
17:04
know I I do I mean look it's cool to hear about
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their experiences in that life I mean I I totally dig that and I really try to be intentional about
17:17
just treating them so like one of the guys like look like they that's all they
17:23
want they want they want it to be normalized and if they don't then we're probably not that close you know that's
17:31
fine no judgment but it's just like I'm not going to sit here and pump your tires and tell you how great you are and
17:36
like put you on a pedestal like I that's I'm gonna bust your balls because you're one of my buddies and yeah when that
17:43
happens like I I can't imagine being in a situation where every time I failed or every time something went wrong yeah
17:52
yeah yeah I used to tell my friends that are in that kind of running different circles I'm like I don't really give a crap that you're famous I just like you
17:58
cuz you're you you yeah right like it's just you know you just have a really cool job or or whatever but I can't
18:03
imagine being in a situation where every time I failed or struggled or whatever
18:09
it was put on public display that would be super hard totally yeah so we're
18:15
we're fortunate yeah yeah for sure hey I wanna so let's talk marriage right like I you
18:23
you've had a had a successful marriage for 24 years what is it
18:29
how have you navigated that because I mean if you're talking about 24 years that was that was you're in the middle
18:34
of living in Chicago being Trader and all those things right and you've made that work and moved to Austin and kind
18:41
of talk to me about how that works struggle because people always ask me
18:47
it's like well how have you been married for almost 29 years and like it keeps getting better and and all that um but
18:52
walk me through some of that man it's been hard it's been it's been a journey and uh there there were years where
19:00
everything was smooth and then I would say since we've moved to Austin we we've
19:08
probably had a few more periods where it's been tough and I don't think has anything to do with Austin in particular
19:15
uh maybe it's that I'm not you know on the trading floor working and in that Rhythm that maybe there's more space for
19:22
us to really explore maybe it's because we're getting older our kids are getting older there's probably a lot of factors
19:27
of why this stuff has come up and you know we we we've had a few times where
19:33
we're just J I don't know like I don't is this is this it because we were we'
19:41
gotten to a point of like resentment about one another but we weren't dealing
19:46
with our own [ __ ] and I think It ultimately comes down to taking care of
19:52
your kind of side of it and then bringing you know that integrated itself
19:59
into it and it's it's hard man like we all have these patterns and sometimes our partner
20:06
pushes those buttons without them knowing and it's a
20:12
lot of this is happening in our unconscious and it's something that been very you know very uh top of mind for me
20:21
lately as you know things are going great with my wife we as you said we just
20:26
celebrated 24 years and I recognize places where I still struggle
20:35
and you know I'm curious enough to try to find out when that story got embedded
20:44
in me as a kid you know and so a lot of it for me has been just like opening up
20:52
my heart and and I think there's you know I've been tracking this notion that
20:58
some something happened where there was either some sense of Abandonment or I didn't feel like I was
21:05
cared for properly I wasn't put in someone's care that was trustworthy you know there I'm still I'm like in real
21:12
time working this out and I can see where that would lead to me just keeping
21:19
a little bit of protection on that heart because this person may leave or I may
21:25
not be in a safe place and and so I think it's being honest about those
21:31
things and having a partner who can hold space for those things and be there for
21:37
those conversations and can you be there for their [ __ ] that they're working on
21:42
and when they're struggling when they're stumbling and when they're not their best self can you show them Grace can
21:49
they show you Grace and I think my wife and I have demonstrated that we've been able
21:56
to do that and ultimately we know that no matter what friction there is and how
22:04
some things may really piss us off there's a love there
22:11
that that we just it is unique and special
22:19
and we it's worth fighting for and like I said there have been times when it
22:27
felt like we might not pull through and I think
22:33
just what helped me was just letting go of that idea that it has to pull through
22:38
and that gave you know because sometimes you hold on so tight it's like oh we got to make this work and then Everything
22:44
feels so intense and I think just giving it room to breathe and say you know what if if it's best for both of us to go our
22:51
separate ways after you know a lot of thought and you know not being impulsive
22:57
then then that that's then that's what's best for both of us but like let's let's
23:03
just let it breathe and see what happens and I I would say a little over a year
23:08
ago I I I felt like I was in that position and I just stopped holding on so tight and a lot of things Unwound a
23:17
lot of that tension Unwound
23:28
yeah sorry I I got a little bit of a lag but I I wanted to I want I wanted to let
23:33
you I wanted to let you finish before before I talked over you uh yeah I mean
23:39
I think that's an interesting perspective because I I would approach it the other way which is like that's
23:45
not really an option like the whole like we are going to be together but it almost has the same outcome right from
23:52
for me I have a I have a comfort and a peace in that because I know that if
23:58
this is my option then I need to re-engineer my thought process around that to say okay well you know what what
24:05
things about myself what things about her do I need to work through so that then we we can make it uh make it work
24:12
and we've been like I've done what we call tuneups we've been to counseling five or six times over this 29 years and
24:18
you kind of talk through all those things and it's it's crazy because you're 24 into it I'm 29 almost into it
24:25
and it's constantly evolving right you think okay well after this amount of time don't you kind of plan that out
24:32
right like you you know if you're in a boat you kind of get up on the on the you know playing that out and you get
24:37
the trim set and you're just you're just kind of floating right it doesn't really work that way in life and it doesn't
24:43
really work that way in marriage you're constantly figuring out new things about
24:48
yourself about your partner about marriage and kids and family and future
24:53
you know we're empty nesters now which by the way is the best thing ever but you know it's a we went through a time
25:00
right before our kids left the house to where we were like what the hell are we going to do with the rest of our lives right and and then we we figured out all
25:09
right so here's we we both went we went to an intensive weeklong counseling thing and we both came out of that with
25:15
like this these epiphanies and then it like just springboarded us into to the next 50 years of our lives and it was it
25:22
was pretty amazing but going back and having those discussions is super important yeah and I think you're right
25:27
I think you can approach it either way or there's probably other ways too but you know for for me it was this idea
25:36
that okay like we don't have to do this and with that in mind I choose you and
25:44
and I think Payton had the same realization that okay well I choose you too and to your point if that's not an
25:52
option you figure out your own [ __ ] because it's it's not an option not to
25:58
yeah and I I think there's there's some element of that in what we did as well
26:03
it's like yeah like am I going to walk away from this and make the same mistake with someone else like because I know
26:10
what my [ __ ] is and it's not resolved so like it's worth you know working on that
26:17
and seeing how that fits into this relationship yeah just from a logistic standpoint like do I want to really go
26:23
try to do all this BS with somebody else like we're just now kind of figuring out at least how to how to work through it
26:30
right I can't imagine starting over at this point in my life like I don't have
26:35
that much energy you know but yeah and I love that idea of I
26:42
choose you because what whichever path you take on the ones that we were discussing it's like look this is like I
26:50
I get to be married to you I don't have to be married to you but I get the
26:55
privilege of having you as and I I always refer to my wife as my bride
27:00
because I think that helps me frame I've got a picture right over here of my wall of her when she was about six years old
27:07
and I think of her as that little girl and that and that's like her heart like
27:12
I see that as her heart but like I'm I'm seriously blessed to be able to be married to Michelle for so long and to
27:20
be able to continue to feed into that and have her feed into
27:25
me oh I got a little lag there right when got into the good stuff but I I I I
27:30
love this idea I think there's something really important about this image of
27:36
your wife as a six-year-old and that's when we're not
27:42
in the kind of the right spot it's because that hurt six seven eighty old
27:50
who something happened to it didn't have to be anything big but there was something there was a story that was
27:56
imprinted and that that little kid is got his for me his hands on the steering
28:02
wheel and that's not a good thing that's like that's the the work that I'm trying
28:08
to uncover like what happened with that little boy and remember that these
28:14
things that that I act out my wife acts out that everybody acts out it is it's
28:19
something has happened that created a story in their mind that they weren't
28:25
safe or they weren't loved or they weren't enough all these things we I think we all have some version of that
28:32
it's like can we uncover that work with that and then release that that's what
28:38
I'm trying to do that's what I'm working on I mean is there a way that you go
28:45
about that in particular in terms of like how you you know is it and and I love I I had a note here on something I
28:52
picked up on that that you had talked through which is gratitude versus victimhood um and that was n your exact
28:58
words but it was kind of something that I saw in one of your posts and and so I'm curious how you're trying to get
29:04
through some of those things as you because I what's funny is I went back um
29:10
I went back to Oklahoma which I'm from Oklahoma in Texas Al uh also but I I went back to Oklahoma for a funeral and
29:16
I started hearing these stories about myself and I knew some of these stories when I was seven years old but and I
29:22
kind of raised myself at that time and and all that but I start hearing these stories and I'm like well that makes sense why I have this particular thought
29:29
process right like my Dad starts telling me stories about how he kidnapped me from my mom and then she found me and
29:37
kidnapped me back and like all this wild crap right and so like it's like all
29:43
right well that makes sense why I would be designed you know why I would work the way that I do right but how are you
29:49
working through some of that stuff uh definitely through meditation and just
29:56
letting letting letting those things come up and and just sit with them and it's been over the past week in
30:05
fact that a lot of this stuff has come up for me and it's because I put my attention on
30:11
it um I'm it's really like I feel like that's
30:16
the next thing for me in my personal development in growth is to to work on
30:24
these things and and uncover them and again I've started to the more I sit
30:31
in meditation more things come up and they're not they don't all mean something but there's so many images of
30:37
my childhood that frankly I don't have a lot of memories of it uh part of it I think I'm 52 and I
30:45
don't have a great memory anymore but when I sit in that meditation I'm surprised that I'm able to go back to
30:53
some some certain you know scenarios and I know
30:59
enough that my memory of it is not going to be clear I'll have a general picture
31:05
I will know how I felt about it now what happened and how I
31:11
feel what happened actually doesn't matter is how I what I took from it so I guess that's the important part even
31:17
though I can't remember it you know with any real accuracy but I think it's just like it
31:24
comes back to just owning that stuff owning that part of
31:29
you you know so really that's where it's like that accountability of look this is
31:35
my [ __ ] whether I deserve to have it or not that doesn't matter this is what I'm
31:41
bringing to the relationship or any relationship and so what what am I
31:47
willing to do about it and with that accountability again I think it's important to give yourself Grace is like
31:53
dude you [ __ ] seven years old and you like it's okay we forget that like oh I
31:59
wish I was better I wish I didn't react this way when this happened and it's like okay well you do and let's get
32:06
curious about why you do because when we do that we get to look at what created
32:12
that pattern and so I think it's like being curious being accountable don't be
32:17
putting your [ __ ] on other people like we have our they have their own [ __ ] just take care of yours and I think when
32:24
I've done that it's really empowering because I can do I can work with that if someone else is doing something to me
32:31
that's affecting me that that's out of my control and then I'm I'm kind of
32:39
[ __ ] right yeah 100 100% that's um that self-discovery is so important I
32:45
think and I'm not really like a woow woo guy or or anything like that but it's it's funny to have some of these stories
32:52
and my wife was going crazy because she's like your dad tells this story as if he's ordering lunch right like and I
32:59
have no he's like so then I picked you up for your weekend and I never took you home and then you stayed with us and we
33:07
moved and then like five months later your mom found you you know five months
33:14
later she found you because your picture was in the paper and like my wife is freaking out because he's telling the
33:20
story as if it was like no big deal and and she's like were cops involved how
33:25
did this happen and I have no to your point about your childhood stuff I have no memory of this uh in in any way and
33:32
so that's kind of this wild this wild story you know I don't I don't have any memory of it but um I mean I'm just
33:38
trusting that it actually happened I guess well how old were you when it happened uh probably seven or eight um
33:46
you know in going into that second grade is so it actually happened they they had
33:52
taken a picture of me enrolling in second grade and it was in the local newspaper and this was a different town
33:57
than had we moved to this town and somehow my mother found that picture and
34:03
then that's how she knew where I was so it's a super weird story but there's you know I this is not
34:11
my world as far as like studying it but like there's enough there where like you
34:17
don't have memories of it which is interesting right like it wasn't like you were 18 months old you were second
34:25
grade it's like it it's interesting like what happened to that memory of I mean
34:31
it's a pretty interesting time I don't want to say it's traumatic or anything because I don't want to even suggest
34:37
that that's what happened for you but it's interesting that on the one hand
34:42
your dad totally normalizes it and maybe it it was like like all
34:50
that was going on but for you you didn't sense any of it you were just with your dad for six extra months you know but
34:57
it's it's so yeah you never know there could be something there there could not
35:03
be anything there yeah yeah it's got It's kind of crazy how all that works and I've had
35:10
I've heard the memory described as you know and this will date both of us but the card catalog right like a memory is
35:15
is is like your memory is kind of a card catalog and and your brain can like reach back and pick things up and and
35:22
bring things out of that and so maybe mine's just way this memory some of those memories just end up way way way
35:27
bad back in the card catalog and we don't we don't need to pull those out necessarily I guess
35:34
yeah yeah it's I think there's a there's a lot um there's like a balance between being
35:41
curious about you know our childhood and making
35:47
meaning out of stuff that didn't necessarily mean anything and so I think
35:53
there's also you know kind of striking that balance is important as we
35:58
investigate our own you know kind of upbringing and let
36:04
alone someone else's that's for for them to be curious about you
36:09
know yeah because I think it's important to not use those things as anchors in a
36:14
bad way like the anchor that holds us back versus like hey this is something that happened you know and and I don't
36:20
need to because I think that's the tendency right is to focus on that and to and to like wrap your life around
36:27
some something bad that happened versus like all right this was an event I'm acknowledging it I know I work through
36:33
it and but it doesn't really affect me like right or doesn't have to affect me right now yeah I think there's an
36:40
element of that of like really taking the charge out of what happened and yeah like really being able
36:49
to work with it and I I think that's there's a skill in that and I think it's
36:54
real easy to say Well I this happened to me so that's why I'm a little [ __ ] up
37:00
and right and I think we all are right like there's there's no question right the
37:07
more I investigate my own life I was like whoa like that's [ __ ] up and the
37:13
more I talk to people it's like they've they've had all kinds of stuff happen and it's like we all
37:20
have again those stories that get imprinted and we react in a way and it
37:25
just you know in those first first seven eight years of our life that that's where a lot of that stuff happens that
37:33
is boom kind of set into our psyche and then I think it's for us to decide what
37:40
is serving us and what is no longer serving us yeah that's super important to see
37:46
like okay well this is this is what I can use to move myself forward and these are the things that I need to kind of
37:52
you know it's like it's like stuff that you own that you don't need anymore right it's like okay well I'm just to
37:57
take that to Goodwill or whatever and get and get rid of that versus like all right I'm going to hold on to this t-shirt from 1984 that I will probably
38:05
never wear again but I you know I really like it you know it's sometimes we sometimes we choose poorly On th on
38:11
those paths for sure absolutely yeah so I want to ask you a couple of pointed questions uh which is
38:18
we I've got a a sign over the back here that says success redefined over my shoulder and and and I think for a guy
38:25
like you who represents me someone that has achieved and continues to work on
38:32
having success in in all the areas that I would define success as also you know
38:37
and some of us have more marital success or relationship success or spiritual success or financial success or whatever
38:44
but I'm curious how you would define success if someone said hey what does success look like to you I'd love to
38:50
hear that answer I think that like when I think of success I think of freedom
38:55
and I I think a lot of it is freedom of choice and time
39:01
and you know a lot of times we're taught that success is how much money you've
39:07
made and if you've had an exit and and all that and I've been there and I know plenty of
39:14
people who are there and have had that success and and I don't
39:20
see uh the balance of that time and energy and that freedom there's still
39:26
like hard charging driving and I've gone come in and out of that you know through
39:33
through my life particularly in the last couple years where I felt like I had a good handle on it and I was making my
39:40
own decisions and spending the time with the people and doing you know on the things I wanted to and then slowly but
39:47
surely it kind of crept into this old like that old success thing and like let's go let's
39:54
create let's make make money and it's it's not that I don't want to do those
40:00
things but it was driving a little bit harder
40:06
than I was comfortable with and with that for me comes this idea that it's
40:12
never enough and you know I go from an abundant mindset to a scarcity mindset
40:18
and it's like just keep trying to build whatever I'm building the Empire
40:24
whatever you want to call it and you know have more things for my family and
40:29
and it just it's like when like when I can just look at you know
40:35
what I've the success I've had in that world the financial world and just
40:41
appreciate it and say okay you you did it you know and just like own that and
40:49
just let it be what it is and then follow whatever I'm inspired with from
40:55
there and yeah there will be some money-making component to it for sure
41:01
and there'll be times when I'll be super focused on it but it's like when it's
41:07
just taking up a lot of mental space for me
41:12
when uh I didn't feel like that was appropriate and so I really
41:18
think you know there's that this idea of freedom and connection I mean for me it's you know whether it's with my my
41:26
wife my kids mine are a little bit younger than yours 21 18 and almost
41:32
17 you know that's super important to me and and then obviously my friends uh and how I show up for
41:40
them just being yeah success is like being being fully being me what does
41:47
that look like am I being the authentic version of myself am I okay with that
41:54
version of myself or am I trying to play it a little little differently in front of different people and there's probably
42:00
some element to that but what would it mean if I were just me and I didn't care
42:07
what other people thought um yeah there's like an Integrity there
42:13
that that I try to orient towards and and I know when it's not there it feels
42:20
sticky feels this weird like okay what's going on where you don't feel like you can just be yourself you got to put on
42:27
some mask and be somebody else so that's like something that's again it's coming
42:33
up for me lately like really really trying to walk that
42:39
path because it's easy because there's no no there's no one else to be but
42:44
yourself you know and I love my buddy always says this he's like gal be yourself everyone else is
42:52
taken and he doesn't say it like I'm not being myself but he just is like his little quippy line and that's like he's
42:58
[ __ ] right like just be yourself everyone else well that's the
43:03
problem with trying to be someone else is like I have a hard enough time trying to be myself and then try to rewrap that
43:11
into someone else especially people that I you know like I deal with impostor syndrome and some of that kind of stuff
43:17
right because but but then I have to remind myself that hey this is who I am right I and and I bring something to the
43:24
world that no one else brings right you can bring something to the world that no one else brings a and by being yourself
43:31
versus trying to trying to put that mask on and trying to act like someone else or act like someone who the world will
43:39
love accept and value and all that yeah that's the dance it's like being a value
43:48
but being a value through who you are and pushing who that is right like maybe
43:53
I can make that happen or but it's like where's that coming from is it coming
44:00
because I want to be accepted or because I really want to be of service and I think I can do that for
44:06
you it's a dance 100 per. yeah that I I like that idea of being of having it as
44:12
a as a dance because the dance is like you know back and forth and leading and following and you know this different
44:19
moves and I'm not a very good dancer so I don't maybe that's why I struggle with
44:25
life that resonates yeah for sure well hey man I really appreciate you coming on board I want to
44:31
be respectful of your time um if if people want to learn more about you uh and the podcast and everything else that
44:37
you've got going on how do they get a touch with you yeah the best way is uh you know on Instagram is cal. Calahan
44:44
and my website the great unlearn domcom has kind of all the all the podcast
44:50
stuff it's on the great and learns on every you know podcast platform there is so yeah Reach Out say hi tell me how you
45:00
doing awesome thanks Cal I appreciate you man all right thanks Kevin if you're
45:05
looking to really maximize your life and become the man you were made to be head over to maxed out man.com and get your
45:13
journey started today