Episode 26 - Are you a man or a Man? husband or Husband? dad or Dad? - Kristofer Cowles

In this conversation, Kristofer Cowles shares his journey of discovering the importance of being a man, husband, and dad. He talks about starting Holy Owned and Operated, a registered 501C3 organization aimed at helping people grow in their Catholic faith. Kristofer emphasizes the distinction between being a man with a capital 'M' and a man with a lowercase 'm', highlighting the need to be who you are supposed to be. He also discusses the significance of being a dad and the unique role it plays in a child's life. In this conversation, Kevin Davis and Kristofer Cowles discuss the role of friendship in fatherhood, the importance of teaching and guiding children, and the responsibility of being a father. They also explore the concept of being a transitional parent and the honor and responsibility that comes with being a father. They emphasize the importance of male role models and the power of association in shaping young men. Additionally, they discuss the significance of showing respect and honor in relationships and the journey of becoming the man you were made to be.

Takeaways

• Embrace manhood by aligning with your purpose and values.
• The role of a dad extends beyond friendship, offering irreplaceable guidance to children.
• Teach sons to discover and pursue their life purpose.
• Rise above societal stereotypes, emphasizing the distinction between friendship and fatherhood.
• Ongoing guidance is vital in fatherhood, allowing children to make decisions while providing support.
• Fatherhood brings the responsibility of imparting lessons on love, respect, and manhood.
• As children grow, the father-child relationship evolves into an adult-like friendship.
• Positive male role models and like-minded peers significantly impact personal growth.
• Displaying respect and kindness in relationships is integral to being a man.
• Becoming the man you're meant to be involves self-reflection, learning, and living by your values.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

11:40 Discovering the Importance of Being a Man

16:15 Starting Holy Owned and Operated

23:30 Defining Manhood and Fatherhood

32:00 Teaching Sons to Be Men

37:30 The Importance of Being a Dad

42:06 The Role of Friendship in Fatherhood

43:07 Teaching and Guiding Children

45:04 The Responsibility of Being a Father

48:24 Being a Transitional Parent

52:31 The Honor and Responsibility of Fatherhood

56:14 The Importance of Male Role Models

59:53 The Power of Association

01:03:14 Showing Respect and Honor in Relationships

01:08:12 Becoming the Man You Were Made to Be

About Kristofer:

Kristofer Cowles, founder of manhusbanddad.com, inspires men to embrace their roles as husbands and dads. Drawing from Matthew 5:48, he emphasizes moral clarity across physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects, focusing on twelve righteous virtues. Raised in a divorced home, Kristofer overcame a lack of guidance to create a positive future for his three boys. An entrepreneur and co-host of the "On the Road to Perfection" podcast, he shares his journey from a dysfunctional past to fulfilling his Catholic faith. With his wife, Beth, they are sought-after speakers on faith, parenting, marriage, and personal growth.

manhusbanddad.com

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Transcript

0:00
Welcome to maxed out man helping you
0:06
become the man you were made to be hey guys it's Kevin Davis from the maxed
0:12
out man podcast it's episode number 26 I'm here with Christopher Coles from the
0:17
wholly owned and operated I don't know if you call it a company organization uh
0:22
and manhusbandad.com he has got tons of stuff going on speaker
0:29
um influencer I guess we could call him and uh you know kind of lay Minister if you want to say that too but I'll let
0:35
him fill in the gaps I appreciate you being here Christopher thanks for joining me sir Kevin I appreciate it uh yeah uh
0:42
well Holly owned and operated is that it's a registered 501c3
0:48
um you know give the IRS their pound of Flesh um and that was a learning curve I'll
0:55
tell you what doing that but uh yeah so it is uh Incorporated so that um
1:01
yeah everything's above board I guess yeah right so that's uh that's where I
1:07
hail from this if yeah so tell me a little bit more about that tell me what
1:12
um you know what my because I was reading your bio and it looks like you've you know kind of started in one way and then that was absorbed by one of
1:19
you know by the official 503c so just kind of give me that back that whole back story and and what you've got going
1:25
on absolutely sure so uh man husband dad really came about
1:30
um whatever 2023 right so about 10 years ago
1:36
um and you're you're probably familiar with uh uh Thoreau and his um Postman
1:42
lead lives and quiet desperation and that sort of stuff
1:48
you know 40 something and had um was kind of in that in that place uh I'd
1:56
been a stay-at-home dad at that point for about five years uh and we can get
2:03
into how that all came about but um I was really kind of trying to figure
2:10
me out you know while raising three boys you know the first thing a man thinks so a lot if if I don't have it together you
2:17
know but right what am I teaching them you know um and so I had uh yeah I'd always been a
2:25
reader I've always been um learning from other people uh
2:31
particularly the the guys who know something you know um and I had found a spiritual director
2:42
at that time who I went and saw and uh he was putting on
2:47
a retreat he's a Franciscan Friar um so think Friar Tuck only uh Slimmer
2:54
yeah maybe without the little circle haircut
2:59
or did it yes that's correct is that what I forget what those are called but yes he doesn't you know doesn't have
3:04
that you know half the time I see him to speak close so is um
3:11
so I went on a retreat uh and uh he had
3:16
um been all over the world uh yeah and has written several books and uh I'll tell
3:23
you his name is Father Albert Hass and he's just a great guy and he uh
3:28
in his presentations and stuff was talking about when he uh
3:34
was a first year novisha you know figuring out should he be a be a fire or
3:39
not uh he decided that it wasn't going to be so he he went to um the superior and said I'm just not
3:47
I'm not a Saint Francis I'm not I'm not you know communing with the animals build my church I'm not I I am I I'm
3:54
just not that guy and they uh
4:00
the spirit said well that's great Albert because because God already has a Francis he needs an help here you know
4:07
and uh I realize because you know I'd been I was a motivational speaker when I was 23
4:13
years old um and this was almost 20 years later then I've gone
4:20
through this Retreat because I had wanted to be real famous I was going to be the next Zig Zig oh okay
4:26
um I mean great guys you know Brian Tracy you know uh Robbins you know and
4:33
uh but here I was 20 years after being a motivational speaker
4:40
a paid one in college um wondering well what yeah so
4:48
um so you know we have you have your time during the retreat to go you know think
4:54
and so I did and I wrote down all these things I was uh and entrepreneur speaker I even put
5:03
down you know the big things liar you know all these things that I could identify myself as
5:10
uh and took up two three pages of my of my journal
5:15
and in there I also put man husband and and
5:21
looking at all these things and I wrote my name down at the bottom of it and I
5:27
realized God was telling me just everybody had all these I've got entrepreneurs I've got okay
5:34
I've got Liars you know I've got uh Zig ziglars you know
5:40
uh what I need is a Christopher Coles um and I crossed out all the things that
5:46
you know everybody else was and the things that were left was a man husband and Dad
5:52
um I did not like that answer
5:59
because I want again I wanted to be all that stuff
6:04
and um then you know I I realized I needed to be you know the
6:11
a man first and so we you know I started exploring these things
6:16
and uh and and since then have essentially been
6:23
teaching myself um in my in my boys things that I I had
6:29
been probably teaching in the um you know without really knowing it I guess
6:34
teaching them that you have to be a man before you can be anything else to be a man before you're
6:41
a husband or if God calls you to a different vocation a priest a brother you know uh you know a single whatever
6:50
you don't you can't make that decision until you know you're a man now we know we're men we have those chromosomes you
6:57
know uh so that's pretty obvious but you have to at some point become the man you
7:03
know because the same chromosomes are are in boys you know there's a there's a
7:08
difference so um
7:14
you can't have a manly vocation as a husband or a dad or or anything unless
7:20
you're a man first so how did this discovering that and was uh was a big
7:26
deal and I I was I was I was raised by a man and
7:33
I I used you know there's a man capital M and there's a man small okay you know
7:38
nah and the small M guys are are guys who you know eventually I I guess don't
7:45
know who they're supposed to be yeah and I was raised by someone like that the
7:51
deal of times uh if you will the smartest smartest man in the world um but
7:58
couldn't teach me really what I needed to know uh and
8:04
oddly enough you know his his mother my grandmother raised me for uh several
8:10
years uh and Alder in my teenage years I spent every summer with her yeah and I
8:15
tell people she taught me how to hold my fork and hold my tongue I'm really good at holding my Fork yeah
8:25
so uh fast forward um and we could talk we do man ceremonies and stuff like that maybe
8:30
we'll talk a little bit about that but fast forward to 2019 and my wife Beth and I started wholly owned and operated
8:36
and it was really just that we were intent on helping people grow in their Catholic phase okay
8:43
she's got a long uh pedigree and and a a a Catholicism she's got a masters in
8:50
catechetics and uh evangelizations and
8:55
um I've got a pretty face so uh
9:01
we've been working on that for a year and then what happened in 2020 yeah the pandemic yeah
9:07
I had been doing social media marketing for quite some time and had uh
9:13
on the same day that's working full-time for a local Parish on the same day she
9:19
gets noticed that they're cutting her down to 10 hours and cutting her pay of
9:24
that 10 hours that's left by 10 percent and uh my clients all say that they're
9:30
going to take stuff in-house so in one day our income dropped just
9:36
over 94 oh wow yeah that's a challenge
9:43
but we've spent a lot of time being who we're supposed to be you know we were ready to to launch fully on and operated
9:49
about the United States to get lunch and I said this is God giving us the opportunity to
9:54
you know put up or shut up so we did and in two weeks we had a website we launched on holy uh on on Palm Sunday of
10:02
2020. and really haven't looked back and what was really neat is I tell people I teach
10:08
that if you are if you are who you're supposed to be and God will provide for you the things that he wants you to do
10:14
to support that being um and uh within six weeks of starting
10:21
wholly owned and operated we had about 7 500 in donations uh just to do
10:28
everything from the the incorporating to putting food on the table
10:34
and it was a great lesson we've had those little lessons along the way but it was
10:39
a great lesson uh in in affirming that you know the being is first the due
10:45
incomes later and uh in the bio for instance that I sent you you notice it doesn't
10:51
say that Christopher is the business owner Christopher uh has run 12
10:57
businesses you know in the last 30 years and it says he's a man has Dad and Dad when I introduce myself at cocktail
11:03
parties well here in Texas it's brisket parties I guess yeah
11:09
but it was it's a warm Miller Light is a cocktail you know um
11:15
and I tell I tell people that I don't do I'd be I said I'm my man my husband then
11:21
I'm a dad did I do whatever the Lord provides for me to do to support that
11:27
um it's a simple equation that took me about 44 years today he
11:35
said to figure out I guess yeah so that's it you know that's the that's the last 10
11:41
years you know and obviously things were things built up for 40 years prior to
11:48
that you know since I was that motivational speaker I'm I'm comfortable in front of crowds and how to to share
11:54
what because I mean I was I was I was 23. what do I know I'm talking to high
12:00
schoolers and I'm quoting Stephen Covey that's you know and they're paying me for it you know right and um which I I
12:08
know cubby would would be glad to hear that high schoolers were getting it you know
12:13
um but it led it led to this it all led to this that's great and I should point out that
12:19
it's wholly owned and operated h-o-l-y not H not w-h-o-l-l-y I guess is how you spell
12:25
that that Holy I had uh I had one of those companies was a computer services
12:32
and web hosting and web design company that I had for 16 years and uh
12:38
I knew right away that it's we're going to have the Holy we should also have the w-h-o-l-l-y so when people hear it and
12:46
they decide to type that in they'll still come yeah I've owned a web development
12:52
company since 98. so uh and we don't do a ton with it anymore but yeah I have I
12:57
have way too many domains that I always think well I'll just pick that up and then you know 15 bucks a year 20 bucks a
13:04
year and all of a sudden you're you're like do I really need this domain but though that's those definitely are are
13:10
super important so are you using you're using your motivational speaker background now I assume are you
13:16
continuing to do uh group organization you know group speaking and that kind of stuff
13:21
sure we do we do Retreats you know we're a tag team Beth and I uh we have a
13:26
podcast that we do it comes out every Thursday we're starting our fourth year uh and it's called on the on the road to
13:32
Perfection um and uh it doesn't take long to hear
13:39
Beth's compassion her smarts her ability to teach and
13:45
communicate with anybody that any level of understanding
13:52
uh and to to recognize that um
13:57
I wouldn't say that I'm the comic relief because I'm not that funny um but I I'm the um
14:04
as I'm I'm the average person yeah yeah you know uh
14:10
so uh we have a good back and forth just talking about life living our faith in this world uh
14:17
while trying not to be of it you know uh and um
14:23
and and even you know some secular things we don't pay a lot of attention to the news so we
14:29
don't cover a lot of that because I'm not getting about not going to be judged at the end of my life on if I
14:35
know you know uh Cal ripken's box scores yeah yeah
14:41
well yeah I mean so you've been married just you know just one year shy of us uh
14:46
I got married in 95 you got married in 96 and it you know I always I I try to be my wife's uh hype man as
14:54
they you know in the in in the rap in the rap world that is the last word of the rhyme yeah okay yeah you try to try
15:01
to be the hype man and and your kids I would guess how old are your boys then uh 23 yeah 23 18 and 16. okay so you're
15:12
still you're still in the thick of it with the with the teenagers my girls are 25 just turned 25 and 23. so we're kind
15:19
of we're kind of in that in that awesome empty nesters uh empty nesters thing we
15:24
got a great plan for that yeah I'm not I don't really understand the uh the huge trepidation or
15:33
lamentation of uh the lamenting of when the kids are out of the house I mean I I love my children but I I love them from
15:40
afar yeah I know I just asked we you know my wife and I just went camping last week and uh the the 16 year old
15:48
went to uh went to boy State and the 18 year old was a counselor
15:54
uh and our 23 year old uh has an internship with uh in the defense department and so
16:02
he held down the fort at the house giving him kind of a sense because he's going to start working for them in
16:08
January giving him a sense of the house on my own you know that sort of
16:13
stuff uh the other two were taken care of and you know Beth and I go and disconnect
16:18
yeah we we went to a state park identified 31 different bird species you
16:24
know um and we have a plan for an RV in in about 15 months and uh you know the
16:30
youngest he's uh he skipped a grade in School uh so he's gonna graduate a year early and so he's gonna spend a year
16:37
with us uh on the road which for him is great uh to see a lot
16:43
of this country and learn a lot you know about it Goods on ground and we're gonna
16:49
we're gonna change our backyard whenever we want that's awesome yeah in 2008 we actually my kids were in fifth and sixth
16:56
grade we actually pulled them out of school this was we homeschooled as they got into sixth and seventh grade but we
17:03
pulled them out of school and we did a uh 34 state tour with an RV we didn't have a motorhome yeah and uh yeah it was
17:11
it was a blast they you know 12 000 miles in about a hundred days and and uh
17:16
all and up and you know all up and down the East Coast which is you know American history 101 you know from you
17:24
know Colonial Williamsburg and Washington DC up through Boston and yeah Austin Concord Lexington all that yeah
17:31
yeah all that all that stuff so that's a that's a great plan I think you'll really enjoy we have a motorhome now I
17:36
would love to do it love to do it again with just with just my bride but uh you
17:42
know we haven't we haven't done that as of yet so let's go back to your kind of you know it's funny that you say that
17:48
you know capital M versus Little M my daughter is hard of hearing she's half
17:54
death so she's she's seeing what they call single-sided death and it's funny because in that Community which most
18:01
people don't actually know there are Big D deaf at Little D deaf and it's kind of
18:07
like this rite of passage and there's this kind of way to get to be able to
18:13
call yourself Big D deaf and there's like these requirements and all that stuff so it made me think of that
18:18
walk me through the difference and kind of what you're what you're teaching on you know what it and honestly just way
18:27
the way that we're defining how to be a man and the way that you taught your boys to do that
18:33
well you know it's interesting because I'm I'm half blind okay you know this eye isn't winking at you it's not uh
18:39
clothes or anything like that um you know on purpose uh I lost my site about look 20 about 20 years ago
18:47
um and my son my middle son is uh an ASL Aficionado uh he's learned
18:56
American Sign Language and is pursuing that as a career
19:01
it's a stepping stone career because he wants to you know be in real estate and uh you know uh own the world you know so
19:11
um so we've learned a lot about that culture uh as well and and it's interesting
19:16
um yeah I had to distinguish I I wrote a book which I haven't published yet
19:22
um about six years ago in fact if I had published it I'd be on the Third Edition and the Third Edition you know it's attention to this stuff
19:29
[Laughter] um and uh so I had to distinguish you
19:37
know when you're talking about man versus man
19:44
again not you know hearkening back to the uh to Thoreau and I don't really quote him
19:50
a lot you know just he's useful in a conversation like this
19:55
um yeah I think of my father for instance as I mentioned a very smart a smart man
20:04
um but I I learned from somebody I was in Amway back in the 90s oh yeah and did
20:09
and did fairly well and in fact that became a thousand pin the last day Amway was Amway before it became quick started
20:15
I was very proud oh wow um and did wasn't just me of course it was my wife as well you know um but I
20:22
remember sitting down with um an upline Emerald who's a good guy and he a total
20:27
about you know my father was a divorce the the alcoholism there's some abuse in
20:32
there there's you know that you know the uh
20:38
it's a story um and I told him that story and I said to I said you know what my my
20:45
father did you know he played a good game with the cards he was dealt
20:50
um and uh he looked at me and he said Terry was the thing he said
20:57
he said Christopher he sat down at the table he chose that game
21:03
and that gave me a perspective it really did give me a perspective you know a few
21:08
years earlier Stephen Covey had told me that because I know the pastor that came from I can change my future yeah
21:14
I really found out I I felt found out I was walking across campus reading a book
21:19
and I looked around like people were looking at me differently because I had been hiding behind all this poor me this is what's happened to me
21:26
this is what that this is what's going on it's never been changed um
21:31
so I realized we have a choice of what table we're going to sit down to now you know of course yes we're all born
21:37
and we all have certain circumstances nature versus nurture that sort of
21:42
um but covey's point was you can change your nurture oh and
21:49
uh the small lamp man just goes goes through life without really contemplating
21:55
who he's supposed to be uh you know the you know it's it's grow up
22:01
to graduate high school you go to college you get a job retire die
22:07
you know that that's the formula right you know um I went to college for eight years and I
22:13
walked out my last the semester before I was supposed to graduate uh and never
22:19
looked back started my own business um because I realized uh I'm not supposed to be in college it would have
22:25
been real helpful eight years and 150 000 earlier that's right yeah but it told me that you know
22:33
so a man in the capitalized sense of the word
22:38
uh knows who he is supposed to be it doesn't mean that he is who he's
22:45
supposed to be because none of us are right um exactly you know and The Sermon on
22:50
the Mount um in in Matthew's uh 548 uh Jesus says
22:57
uh be perfect uh as your as your father in Heaven is perfect
23:03
well that's a big thing I can't be God right what does that mean and I take that as meaning
23:09
being who you're supposed to be because God is who he's supposed to be he's perfect he is who he's supposed to
23:16
be he is and does God yep so we don't need more
23:24
Gods just like we don't need more parenthesis yeah
23:31
we we are here in this unique time in this unique place as Unique Individuals
23:37
for for a purpose for a reason
23:42
in the capital M ma'am is pursuing that Perfection who he's
23:48
supposed to be based on his aptitudes and and the virtues of a man
23:53
um in pursuit of that Perfection What was Alexis like 30 years ago in Relentless
23:59
pursuit of the perfect Perfection tonight great tagline can't use it they own it right so you know uh be who you're supposed to
24:09
be uh is is is the mantra for the capital M
24:14
man um I have to I have to show you this this came in the mail yesterday it's from my
24:21
my son's school this is their magazine that they send everybody who sends the money right and right on the front
24:27
let's see who God made you to be yeah you know
24:33
um and it's like well yeah you know somebody must have heard me walking
24:39
across campus you know um so the
24:45
um look I slip up all the time I I am I am
24:51
very bad at being but I'm better than I was yesterday
24:56
and and much better than I was 10 years ago uh I could have spent the last 10 years not
25:04
even trying right because of the last 10 years not even knowing I could be who I was supposed to be
25:10
most men capital or lowercase them I think uh
25:15
don't don't know who they're supposed to be so you know 15 years ago uh I had a 72
25:25
000 a year contract with my computer services company things were going great uh my oldest was
25:32
10 years old um and then you know the Headmaster at this private school uh was canned right
25:40
in the middle of the day you know and Ward walked in said get your stuff and go um and which was really weird because
25:45
he's a great guy you know and then the dominoes started following and I knew my
25:51
services was one of those dominoes oh yeah so
25:56
I prepared the day it came I only had one thing to take out of the out of the
26:01
office meet and um I went to Beth they said uh
26:08
now what yeah a few days later we went to church we
26:14
went to a church that we'd never gone before gone to before because the boys were out of town and
26:19
uh the uh so we said well let's let's go over there you know
26:24
um we sat in the front we always do and at the end the the priest made an announcement please pray for us as we
26:32
continue to look for our director of religious education which is exactly what Beth was qualified for oh okay
26:38
two weeks later she's working at the church she's bringing home the bacon and
26:44
I I got nothing is that you know
26:50
and I have uh you know of course the entrepreneurial spirit is always is always there so
26:56
um but I've been at home since then running the home running the businesses
27:03
um and uh five years after that is when I
27:08
discovered you know that God needed a man husband and dad and that's why he's got me at home to to to learn all about
27:15
that so here I was doing all this stuff and being all the stuff that I'd never planned on
27:21
but I tell my boys and have told them and when this got started I told them I
27:26
hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it but I'm I'm learning to love it because
27:32
it's what God wants and he knows better and he also knows
27:38
that I've got skills and stuff that he wants me to to share he just wants me to share them in different ways you know I
27:44
could do the Zig Ziglar pumping the pump you know out on stage um
27:49
or I could talk about about what what works for me
27:56
and um so he's opened those doors you know 10 years after I I thought it would be you
28:03
know two weeks from now I'm gonna be on stage talking
28:08
so in the process of becoming the man and Discerning you know what it really
28:14
means to be a husband and and a dad and I make the distinction between dad and
28:20
father I I don't know if it was Dan Clark I know I heard infrasay you know it takes anybody can be a father takes a
28:25
real special guy to be a dad you know dad capital B for instance
28:32
is um well I'm kind of jumping the uh you
28:39
can't be a dad if you're not a husband that's my perspective you know and if you discern that you're supposed to be a
28:44
husband uh you have to discern that also means you're going to be an ad whether you're going to be a dad to your own
28:51
children uh biologically or adopted children or children in the neighborhood there is a
28:56
certain responsibility uh that we have you know growing up in the
29:03
well I had a best friend in Ohio for eight years that my father knew but
29:09
never met his mom but I went over to their house two blocks away every day after school and I knew
29:16
without a Shadow of Doubt the Lula Gale could tan my hide if I messed up
29:21
you know I yeah you know and I know my father figured it that was okay if if
29:26
she did right she was a mom with capital M you know
29:32
um so you know being that uh being that dad being that husband all
29:39
all capital means you know who you're supposed to be and
29:45
um and and are pursuing that so when I tell my kids that I don't like it but
29:52
I'm I I but I but I love it and now I'm to the point where I love it and I love it yeah it's because you know it's saying
30:00
Saint Ignatius said when you um when you are in God's will
30:06
uh you have a sense of Peace and Freedom and uh that's what I've got and I don't
30:15
have that um that sense of quiet desperation you know no yeah do I still have
30:20
frustrations so I said yeah I remember my wife and I had a tiff this morning you know um you know and uh but I got a little
30:29
thing from her text from her just before you and I got started she said I'm praying for you and I know she always is you know yeah
30:34
um and because because uh
30:43
these capital letters mean something I think to some extent they've been the
30:48
words they've been co-opted you know what was the last time we saw a positively portrayed dad on TV
30:57
yeah they're they're always the bumbling idiots or the the weak ones or you know the yeah they're definitely there's not
31:05
a lot of respect there at least from the Hollywood standpoint of of a dad for sure they've all become Barney fife's
31:11
and Al bundies instead of you know uh Andy Griffith you know
31:16
um and um and so it's and so men get this sense
31:23
that they are worthless by the media that portrays them as such um and so they don't have to be
31:28
worthwhile husbands and dads and in fact if they you know put their head above
31:34
the crowd they're gonna get hit with a tomato yeah um and
31:39
well in in spite of the resistance we're still called to be who we're supposed to be
31:45
yeah so teaching teaching the boys this it's been uh because it was a leap of faith
31:53
for me I got the I I the Lord said boom you know and I said okay what do I do with this and it was essentially
32:00
practice it if you believe it Practice What You Preach right right 100 percent
32:05
so we did and the the real big turnaround in our
32:11
um not in our family but in in realizing that this really is the deal
32:16
uh my oldest son uh graduated from high school and uh
32:23
during that time was doing the college you know looking at colleges and stuff like that
32:29
but we talked about you know until you're a man we can't determine what you're supposed to do you know
32:36
um well he became a man and we have a man ceremony we really recognize that because how many
32:42
men are actually told you're a man rather than that right and he's the only person who can tell them you know
32:49
um so my son wanted to go to um all his life he wanted to go to Texas
32:55
A M University we live in the shadow of Texas and
33:02
um but he also had other uh other desires other other things so we talked about we
33:08
let we let the Lord give him all these indications on what he wanted to do with his life and all that sort of stuff what
33:14
he wanted to do to support being a man and um he took a gap year
33:21
and then was uh he was accepted at uh a
33:28
m but prior to that he had he had told me you know he was applying to Franciscan University
33:34
at Steubenville Ohio and uh it's a Catholic Catholic
33:40
College Catholic University and he said um your dad
33:46
I'm not going to reply because we can't afford it and I I looked at them these words are
33:53
coming out of my mouth well at the same time I'm saying you're right we can't yeah right yeah it's a sign of God wants
34:00
you to go to Franciscan if that's who you're supposed to be is a
34:08
Franciscan man at that that at that time of your life he he does not deny that
34:13
which he ordains hmm uh so he said okay he applied
34:21
and you know it's it's thirty thousand dollars a year it's not a super expensive private school but it's more
34:28
expensive than the state school six miles away from here right yeah 100.
34:33
so he applied and got he got accepted in a m he got accepted it Franciscan
34:41
uh yeah which is great news at the same time I'm thinking oh yeah you know
34:49
um and he uh they open up the letter and said congratulations you've been
34:55
accepted to Franciscan University and you have qualified for the the dean scholarship this scholarship the
35:01
scholarship the scholarship the scholarship I think where it was only going to cost us four thousand dollars
35:07
that's yeah that's huge yeah they looked at him and I said
35:12
Where's God want you to go yeah that's pretty that's pretty affirming when you when you not only get
35:18
accepted but you've got it you know pretty well covered for sure yeah yeah
35:23
so you know Dad's um mayor a lot of dads say that well I'm my
35:30
kid's best friend and I'm I'm sad for that uh there are there's eight billion people
35:37
on this planet who can be our child's friend there's only one person who can be their
35:43
dad right and that's a significant special unique relationship
35:51
just like and I you might hear more that moms are are friends or best friends with their daughters and that that
35:57
saddens me a bit as well you know um
36:02
so yeah you asked you know the small m versus Big M you know uh
36:09
cultural kind of in the in the examples and stories you know a best friend would
36:15
say cool a m that's great you know we'll still be neighbors let's be roommates
36:20
you know well my son's going to school you know 1300 miles away uh actually two
36:27
hours away from where I grew up in a thoroughly dysfunctional family and only
36:33
about 35 minutes away from my grandmother's house you know
36:38
um and the uh the best friend wouldn't say sure dude
36:46
you know move up across the country you know it'll be great you know um but but the best friend will then say
36:53
hey that's cool Franciscan and it's pretty much paid for that's awesome you know but he's not the one who's gonna
36:59
necessarily hide him right see that to the to The Godly decision now what happens when guys get together you know
37:08
yeah I could tell stories right yeah
37:13
so that the small D to add is
37:19
is friends with his with his kids now mind I call him buddy you know hey buddy you know like you know I got special
37:26
nicknames for him and all that sort of stuff um but I'm Dad yeah and there's a
37:33
delineation between you know friendship and as you're you know my kids are gotten like I said 25 and 20 23 and now
37:41
we are trying our relationship is transitioning to more of an adult type friendship how
37:48
you know however it's funny because I gotta you know we're we're recording this midweek after Father's Day
37:55
um and um I got a text on my on Sunday for my daughter who dude I mean I kind
38:01
of broke down and cried after this text but you know she's she's gone through some some weird relationship stuff you
38:07
know and to her admission uh to by her own admission she's she's made some poor choices uh but she she pointed out that
38:15
hey this is you've taught me by by how you love mom what a man is supposed to
38:21
look like what what that husband you know is supposed to look like and then you know hopefully and she mentioned you
38:27
know what what a dad's supposed to look like and father and and husband and and that's where the teaching component
38:34
still exists and that that will always be there that that's a difference between the you know the small D dad
38:40
who's just like yeah go do whatever you want you know have as many boyfriends as you need to have I don't you know
38:45
because I'm I mean I've flat out told her and she doesn't you know they're adults right like they have to make
38:51
their own decisions but I will I've I flat out said this is not the right one this is a bad idea usually it's as a
38:59
result of her asking me that question and then completely ignoring my advice until it finally finally Dawns on her
39:05
you know two years later unfortunately that I was right but yeah there's definitely a delineation I love that I
39:12
love that whole concept of Big D Little D Big H little H Big M
39:18
Little M because there's a you know even when you're writing that's called title case right like
39:25
that's the you know there there's a there's a title versus which the title
39:31
comes there's a there's a nobility associated with it there's you know with all the rights and privileges you know
39:37
here's your title with all the rights and privileges that come with it you know whatever that you know when they
39:43
Knight someone or or when they give you a degree or you know all of those things with a title comes rights privileges and
39:51
responsibilities versus versus just you know just as this is this is kind of my
39:57
thing right like I'm just a man or I'm just a dad all Little D you know and
40:04
nothing is going to change the fact that you have 30 years on your daughters right you know
40:09
um and oddly enough you've lived with them as long as they've lived with them you know right
40:16
um so you have perspective and I I've told my boys look you'll get
40:22
older and you may ask for my opinion you may not I'm still gonna give it you
40:27
don't have to follow it but I've I've got you on experience
40:34
and um part of my responsibility is to be your
40:40
dad it doesn't and my father said that as soon as you're 18 he's done then he
40:45
lived by that mantra you know so
40:52
that's very foreign to me um because I just can't turn it off my uh
41:01
my oldest um Saturday I guess no it must have been
41:07
Sunday or maybe I don't know you know getting older a few days ago yeah and it
41:12
said uh um you know I I kissed Beth and
41:18
um we're very affectionate you know I got no problem kissing my wife and telling her I love her and we send
41:23
little things on text and you know we we just say love to each other you know it
41:29
means right you know and yeah he said I'm just really glad that you and a lot
41:34
more affectionate with each other you know because I just don't see that I don't you know and it it lets me know
41:40
that everything's okay and uh it helps me to know who I'm you know looking for
41:46
you know similar to the text that you got you know uh those are golden
41:54
um you know when we when we grow up we all say
42:01
when our parents do something or invoke some punishment or something like that we say well I'm not going to treat my
42:06
kids like that you know and I've had to make those actual
42:11
decisions not to do things the way I was the way I was raised then
42:19
there have been times when uh you know it's been an actual uh aha moment if you will that this is my
42:28
opportunity where God's saying okay you said you're going to change things change things because I'm a I'm a
42:33
transitional parent you know my parents got divorced so I didn't have a set of grandparents
42:39
for most of the most of my life um and I certainly didn't have the the mother
42:45
um and um so my goal is for my children to
42:54
who don't have a full set of grandparents obviously um it's my goal is for their children to
43:02
have that have grandparents and obviously to have parents you know
43:09
the the you know the natural set of parents if you will you know that the
43:14
husband and wife yeah um yeah I get a lot of questions well what
43:20
about what if I can't have children what about adopting you know does that still make me not say look Saint Joseph didn't
43:25
you know he adopted Jesus right you know talk about a job
43:30
you know um there's um there's so many
43:37
opportunities there are there are kids out there who need
43:42
dance you know um we moved into this house 10 years ago
43:48
and right across the street was he was a young man the same age as my oldest boy um who was yeah it reminded me a lot of
43:56
me um I when growing up we would call them juvenile delinquent you know
44:03
and he always belligerent stuff in fact he you know he came in and I noticed
44:08
spray paint cans noticed you know missing from my garage you know and he wasn't painting
44:15
um and uh yeah so there was a bit of a conflict across the ladies mom he's a it
44:21
was a single mom had two daughters um it's just a mess it's just a mess you
44:28
know um but I I stood my ground I told the lion you know and I wouldn't put up with
44:34
this Behavior you know I was the only one who challenged it and he went off and
44:41
um came back and came up we are sitting on my patio one day and he came up to me and he said
44:47
you know I kind of poked his head around the corner you know can I talk to you you know so right because you know I was
44:53
gonna you know shoot him you know and um
44:58
I said sure what's up and he said I said look I'm sorry hmm
45:06
and I you know he tried to explain what he was sorry for but you know a kid
45:13
wrapping up you know a third of his life you know in an apology that's uncomfortable you know I said
45:19
thank you and I accept your apology and actually gave to you
45:24
um and it was a short two-minute conversation and we shook hands he walked away
45:33
um I wound up over that summer giving them a ride to a couple places and that stuff and he decided he was going to go
45:38
off and join the Marines be a sharpshooter yeah um and you know
45:47
things James you wound up not you know but um I could have just ignored him for those
45:54
six seven years and he was here uh I could have just said well that's the neighbor kid you know he's just
46:00
you know it's not my responsibility you know but we are our Brother's Keeper
46:08
and they didn't move to this house just to be in a void being a vacuum
46:14
um and you know I I'm the guy who when you
46:19
know construction workers which I used to be are sitting in the Dairy Queen you know dropping f-bombs
46:26
um you know during wipes in a family restaurant I'll go up to them and I'll say gentlemen I know it's it's a rough
46:31
day it's it's hot out there the stuff that you know you're dropping f-bombs and they'll always say oh we didn't even
46:37
realize that the courts yeah you know we'll tone it down they always do yeah you know
46:43
[Music] um but how many how many men become mice and don't
46:48
and our brother's keeper because these guys don't want to be like this around
46:54
families either right you know um sure we all have a good time when
47:00
again yeah put a bunch of boys together things like put a bunch of guys together they're going to be sitting on the patio
47:06
you know out doing each other right right um but uh the the small M has taken over
47:14
you know and it is a title it is a responsibility it is a it's a duty and it's an honor it's an honor
47:22
to be to be called to be a man to be a husband to be a dad to be a priest to be
47:27
it's an honor to be to be called who you are supposed to be
47:33
we're all we all have that honor waiting for us um and that discernment
47:39
takes a while we got to be quiet God doesn't shout you know he's in the he's
47:44
in the whisper um and that that took a lot of doing for
47:49
me you know um stopping to open my mouth you're not not
47:55
opening my mouth anymore you know I'm making sure that you know my mouth didn't embarrass more than just my face
48:01
all right yeah yeah it's definitely if there's a responsibility that comes with that and
48:07
I think that's something that we've lost over time in our own Society with you know whether it's you know fear of quote
48:15
unquote persecution which is you know a word that is used now that has no meaning versus what it actually means
48:22
um you know in our Western Society but you know that that responsibility of um
48:28
of teaching boys especially younger boys younger men you know just just those
48:35
little nuggets that you can give I was talking to a buddy of mine he he's got a young daughter who's probably 10. and he
48:41
was talking about teaching her about men in that context and talking about dating and all that and uh Dennis Rainey put
48:48
out a book oh it's it's probably 15 20 years ago but it was called you know uh
48:54
interviewing my daughter's dates and the whole premise of this was not
49:00
intimidation not you know shotgun on the wall you know all of that stuff but it
49:05
was teaching young men how to be men in context of wanting to date my daughter
49:14
and and building those relationships and and those kind of relationships if you've got a daughter are you know great
49:21
if you've got Sons obviously that's direct if you've got your son's friends not all those friends are gonna have
49:26
fatherly influences like you were talking about that's right you know and so that gives us you know my my friend
49:32
uh Big Brothers Big Sisters you know he's a big brother that's a formal way to do it but really just what you're
49:39
talking about how can you be influenced into other you know boys lives when we go to church or like even out in public
49:45
if there's a little kid that little boys especially God God gave me girls for a
49:50
reason I I would I would have really struggled to raise boys because I was
49:56
one I am one and I was a you know it was just a good fit for me to have girls
50:01
it's the same reason I got bullets you know girls yeah so it's you know we're kind of
50:08
designed in that way uh but but but to use that like I will correct Boys in
50:13
public I'm like hey man not knock it off you're not this is you know and I've had
50:18
people that appreciate that and have people that don't always appreciate that but it's it's it is a responsibility to
50:26
get and you know we've talked about this with other guests that this I I would I
50:31
can't imagine being a young man in today's society first of all they don't
50:36
even know how to like the the media is they're trying to redefine even what that means so like they don't know who
50:43
they are they're the worst of the worst they're the dumb bungaling people like I just it it's just a
50:50
difficult place to be so for those of us especially that are you know that are kind of my target audience with maxed
50:56
out man which is you know 40 plus these guys that are kind of you know have a little more experience and and all that
51:02
it's kind of our responsibility to to push that forward and and to help these kids
51:07
you know I you know and I'm that 40 plus demographic when I when I you know
51:13
discovered stumbled upon finally woke up to whatever saw this this idea of
51:20
philosophy whatever whatever you might call it yeah I tell I tell my sons that if I
51:26
ever see them going on a date not opening the door for for the girl I'm going to go out to the
51:31
car and tell the girl tell him to drive you home because he's not he's not the guy for you yeah I open the door for my
51:38
wife my my sons do um they we behave that way in public uh
51:46
it's not a show it's who we are and uh that when there's that behavior like
51:53
you were talking about I I don't know how many times I've been walking around in the grocery store and
51:58
a little kid's pestering his mom you know I either I'm talking to him or
52:04
I'm you know right at his eye level or whatever I say is that your mama he says
52:09
yes we'll talk to her that way okay yeah and you see this look of well thank you
52:16
well you know she might be struggling with two or three others you know right um and I I've got a a friend he's just
52:24
turned 87 retired Colonel uh in the Army used to jump out of airplanes you know
52:30
um and I've seen him do this and I learned it from him uh little kids get
52:35
out into the island Church and they'll run down the aisle well he just leans out and he snaps his fingers
52:42
points at him and does that and they look at him and I mean it's like a little truck in uh Star Wars you
52:48
know when the when uh you know he takes off you know
52:54
um and we have that that responsibility if
52:59
we don't teach our own children then we don't have any credibility you know outside and
53:05
so it reminds me of a a speech that rich DeVos did he was one of the founders of
53:10
Anne Wayne this speech was called selling America and it was given in 1967 I think to a bunch of Junior Achievement
53:18
kids in Canada uh and uh you know these are junior high
53:23
schoolers right and he gets on the stage and there's a thousand plus there and he
53:28
says you know how many of you want to change the world and oh yeah yeah how many of you all want to make a difference yeah yeah I mean y'all want
53:35
to clean up the world and you know make everything better and yeah he said okay let me ask you a question
53:41
he said is your room clean um
53:46
and it's just a Silence of course the laughter but then the silence and he said think about it how can you fix the
53:52
world if you don't have your own life fixed if you let Kia clean up your own room how can you clean up the world yeah
54:00
yeah and it's simple it's we get we're all Hypocrites to some point you
54:06
know right yeah 100 yeah definitely you know splinter in your eye beam in
54:14
mind the um it's very easy to criticize someone else or to even say well don't treat me
54:20
that way even though I'm treating you the same way you know
54:26
um it's all by example I can't fix the world I can't
54:31
I can't really do anything for eight billion people um except give them three men
54:39
uh and if those men become husbands and dads or if they become uh
54:46
single leaders or priests or deacons brother whatever
54:52
um my my purpose our first purpose is as as
54:59
dads if you will is to love their love their mother and to raise them to to be men and to tell
55:08
them when they are men my father never did
55:13
yeah uh it took some soul searching for me to realize that I am a man
55:20
um after a lot of note take I used to follow my father-in-law my future father-in-law around with the with a notepad taking notes on how he was doing
55:27
it wow yeah um but it wasn't really until after I you know started the man husband dad stuff
55:34
that I that I realized that I wasn't yeah you know and that you know I hadn't
55:41
been told that I was affirmed by other men in my community uh it's very
55:46
difficult it's difficult for a single mom to to do that uh for our boys just
55:52
as difficult as it would be for me to raise um because I'm not one right um yeah I
56:00
was a I was a cub scout leader and the woman brought uh her uh her son to Cub
56:07
Scouts and you know I asked her why she was doing it she's a single mom she said well
56:16
um because I I don't know how to be anymore
56:21
and I said all right would you be the assistant den leader you know we went
56:27
from there you know and but how what a gift she gave her son
56:33
to put him around other men we become like those who we associate with right
56:39
that's a natural law that's why we tell our kids don't go hang out on the street corner with those gang members why
56:45
because you'll become a gang member right it's simple math right well if that is true then the the then it's true
56:52
that if you hang out with and this is what I learned in the Amway
56:58
situation I started hanging out with Millionaires and the people who love their wives you know uh and uh
57:06
you know say what you will whatever the stigma was or is I I don't know I haven't been involved for 20 years but
57:11
you know um there were there were I learned from good people and they made me read a book
57:18
a new book every month you know um and uh
57:25
that sticks with you yeah reading is really important because it's something
57:30
about reading that that sticks into you you know
57:35
and that's I I get a little passionate about it I don't know if that shows yeah yeah
57:42
that's I mean I and and I think you made a good point with the you know I we've I've talked about on the podcast before
57:48
that I open unless there's a physical reason I can't I open my my wife's door every time and
57:56
it's just that's just one of those things that I do to show her respect and
58:01
care and honor her and all those so for the guys that are listening to this if you're not currently doing this start
58:07
yeah yeah she'll love that and if she says you know I don't need my door open for you you say well I need to open your
58:13
door for you you know I I need that you know my wife Waits by the door you can tell my mine too most of the
58:20
time so yeah and my my wife is like yours kind of you know I call her a badass because she's a kick decorator
58:25
welder off-road racer she does all this crazy crazy stuff but she still allows me to to open my door so uh yeah so
58:33
that's that's part of being a husband in the capital H husband my kids you know I
58:39
always use the uh Bill Cosby who's you know kind of on the outs now but he he had a great line that he's
58:45
freak I think he has two yeah and he made he had this great line with us that hey I'll make all you know don't mess
58:52
with me I'll make two more just like you that's right that's the end of this world I can take you in that's right
58:58
and my kids I used to joke and tell my kids that but they knew that mom always came first like that's you know that and
59:05
and that relationship is what built the rest of our family and so hey I think this has been awesome I think you've
59:11
really offered a lot of insight and uh I just love the concept of man husband dad
59:16
and uh so so where are we going to find you we're going to you know wholly own and operated.com and man husband dad.com
59:24
or how elsevondad.com too I think that actually directs to to the man husband dad stuff
59:29
on the on the website it it may not that's been a transition over the last year
59:35
um and it was a big site that we're moving over to this other big site yeah we I say we who's the who's the tech guy yeah
59:43
yeah you yeah so wholly owned and operated that's h-o-l-y owned and operated uh.com uh and I can
59:53
be emailed at my first name you know in front of all that Christopher uh and I think they'll see on the video or
59:58
something that you know my name's spelled differently yeah I'll put that I'll put those in the show notes and all that too yeah you know this is this has
1:00:05
been great I really love what you're doing uh you had your your neighbor 90 plus years old on
1:00:12
um and like my 87 year old friend when when his name is Kevin as a matter of fact uh when when he and I we have we
1:00:19
have breakfast once a month um and when he talks I got nothing yeah
1:00:27
I I got nothing to offer this guy you know he everything he says is wisdom you
1:00:34
know um even if it isn't you know what do I have to offer to him you've got your you
1:00:40
know your 90 year old neighbor um who's twice as old as you know the the demographic that you're suiting for
1:00:47
you know we have to listen to that listen to him
1:00:54
over and over I hope you have him back you know I know you mentioned at the end it'd be a good time to come back I think for all these they always do he always
1:01:00
jokes something we actually I did we did a Bible study with him last night we do it every Tuesday and he's like well if I
1:01:05
live that long you know we could do it again in a couple of months I mean he's 92 he's very pragmatic it's hilarious
1:01:11
but yeah I definitely want to have Fred back on and that's episode like three or four yeah uh so go back and listen to
1:01:17
that all these all these guys that you've got yeah it would make a great uh
1:01:22
would make a great Club versus yeah something like that you know he had an at a new member every week you know
1:01:27
because and as I as I mentioned in our in our lead up you know to get in this uh scheduled and stuff like that
1:01:35
I you know I used to swear like a sailor not to you know demean Sailors you know
1:01:41
um but um but I don't but at the same time I accept that you know people use lines
1:01:47
that doesn't like with the Bill Cosby thing you know um a person can speak the truth and and
1:01:53
still be uh anything you know anything anything good
1:01:58
or bad truth is truth with the capital T you know right and um so we
1:02:04
I imagine there's a group of guys that you've got you know on on your episodes
1:02:10
together having some good whiskey and there's where you change the world yeah
1:02:16
you know uh yeah it's three boys at a time it's this girl it's got girls at
1:02:22
the time it's you know one-on-one you know and uh however many people are listening to this but
1:02:28
men being men and and standing up and saying this is this is
1:02:34
what a man is and that's what you've had on all your episodes you've had men I listening to them I've gotten the sense
1:02:41
that they are who they're supposed to be yeah you know and none of them are
1:02:47
faking it till they make it you know now sometimes you got it sure but the they are who they're supposed to be they're
1:02:53
very real very authentic and you can tell a man who is who he's
1:02:58
supposed to be because you can depend on it yeah yeah
1:03:03
because and and that's what you that's what you've got and what you're creating here I think it's a great thing
1:03:09
thanks yeah it's been it's been really interesting it's been fun and to be able to you know build these friendships around the world and and uh continue to
1:03:17
just kind of grow this and and it's funny because you know the the tagline for Max town man is you know helping you
1:03:23
become the man you were made to be right that's what that did didn't give me yeah and that's one of the things that we
1:03:29
really are striving for is to you know you don't have to be perfect just like you're talking about you're on that road you're trying to become who you were
1:03:36
made to be you're trying to become who figure out who that is right like that's that's the challenge so I really
1:03:42
appreciate you coming on board and uh look forward to Future conversations and uh growing relationship and all that so
1:03:49
uh you know give our give our best uh to Beth and and uh sounds like she's a she's an awesome awesome woman as well
1:03:55
uh she is she asked me to marry her and I jumped at the opportunity I get I get
1:04:01
it all right Christopher thanks so much thanks again God bless you you too
1:04:09
is your life and Journey started today!