Episode 75 - Navigating Life's Challenges: Lessons in Integrity and Leadership - Alex Terranova

In this episode of the Maxed Out Man podcast, host Kevin Davis sits down with Alex Terranova, an executive and leadership coach known for guiding men to become leaders their families and companies can be proud of. Alex shares his personal journey from being an overconfident and arrogant individual to becoming a coach dedicated to helping men heal, grow, and expand their potential.

Alex delves into his transformation, highlighting the pivotal moment when he realized the need for change and how he embarked on a path of personal development and men's work. He discusses the importance of integrity, taking full responsibility for one's actions, and the value of servant leadership. Kevin and Alex explore the concept of masculinity, emphasizing the need for men to find their unique paths while supporting each other in their journeys.

Throughout the conversation, they touch on various topics such as the significance of men's retreats, the power of positive self-talk, and the impact of social media on societal norms. This episode is a deep dive into the challenges and triumphs of modern manhood, offering valuable insights for men looking to lead more authentic and fulfilling lives.

Key Takeaways:

1. Embrace Change and Growth: Alex's journey highlights the importance of recognizing when change is needed and taking steps towards personal growth and development.
2. Importance of Integrity: Living with integrity means being true to your values and principles, even in small actions. It involves taking responsibility for your life and decisions.
3. Accountability and Responsibility: Taking full responsibility for one's actions and circumstances is crucial for personal development and building strong relationships.
4. Servant Leadership: True leadership is about serving others and helping them grow. Leading by example and being willing to support and uplift those around you is essential.
5. Redefining Masculinity: Modern masculinity involves breaking free from traditional stereotypes and finding a path that aligns with one's true self. It includes being open to vulnerability and personal growth.
6. Power of Positive Self-Talk: Replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations can significantly impact one's mindset and overall well-being.
7. Value of Men's Work and Retreats: Engaging in men's retreats and group work can provide valuable support, community, and opportunities for personal growth.
8. Impact of Social Media: Being mindful of how social media influences perceptions and behaviors is important. Disconnecting or limiting usage can lead to improved mental health and focus.
9. Building Strong Relationships: Relationships require ongoing effort, communication, and willingness to grow together. Addressing issues and seeking support when needed can strengthen bonds.
10. Finding Balance in Life: Balancing various aspects of life, including work, relationships, and personal well-being, is crucial for long-term fulfillment and happiness.

Find Alex:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/inspirationalalex
Coaching: https://www.alexterranovacoaching.com/
Retreats: https://alchemyofmenretreat.com/

To learn more about Maxed Out Man and to maximize your potential, visit www.maxedoutman.com or connect with us on Social Media:

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Transcript

0:00
hey every time I reach a peak of a Mountaintop right I I published a book I I've done you know hundreds of podcasts
0:06
or whatever whatever the thing is right I got married you're at like a peak and you're you're looking at the
0:11
view well what happens next welcome to maxed out man helping
0:19
you become the man you were made to be hey guys this is Kevin Davis from the
0:25
maxed out man podcast I'm going to be here today with Alex teranova uh super super exciting and uh before I get
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started don't forget to go to MaxOut man.com uh check out what we've got going over there we're going to talk to
0:37
Alex today who is a men's coach also it's cool that we have such a wide array of people to choose from I have a couple
0:44
of spots open uh if you guys want to reach out just shoot me an email at KD MaxOut man.com see what we've got going
0:50
on at MaxOut man.com so let me read um Alex's bio and then uh I'll have him
0:57
fill in the gaps Alex teranova guides to become the leaders their companies and families can be proud of Alex is an
1:04
executive and Leadership coach and performance and success Alchemist whose Essence is steeped in a ontological
1:12
principles uh we don't use big words around here so uh you're gonna have to make it simple summarize it whatever
1:20
you want you're gonna have to explain some of that uh he's the co-founder of Alex teranova coaching and Alchemy of
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men his leadership Retreats men's groups workshops and coaching programs support men and healing growing and expanding
1:32
from ordinary to extraordinary As Leaders at work and at home we love that he's been dubbed the anti- excuses coach
1:38
I want to hear more about that too by Yahoo finance and was named 40 over 40 uh in podcasting by podcast magazine
1:46
since 2016 he's appeared on hosted or produced over 500 podcasts So reading that last line you know this is where I
1:52
just hand over this show to you being I'm about 150 in between my two
1:59
podcasts more than most is like 140 more than the average person isn't it crazy
2:05
like that less than I don't know what that number is it's like a huge number only do one episode yeah yeah and then
2:13
if you get to 10 you're like in the top five% it's because people don't realize that this is actually work you know you
2:20
know at at the end of the day but man I'm so excited that you came on board of thank you for giving me time today I'm
2:26
excited about this conversation I think you and I align really well with kind of No Excuses wanting to help men and kind
2:33
of you know dealing with that kind of stuff so if you would if you could fill in the gaps for me um give me as much as
2:40
your backstory as you want uh I always love learning more about how um people
2:46
get to where they are today yeah uh the short version is I was an [ __ ] I
2:52
think I can say that on your on your show Absolutely yeah I mean that that's like the the short version I I was
3:00
was a a you know a guy a kid who grew up
3:05
and overcompensated for my uh self-doubt
3:11
lack of belief in myself dislike of myself um with arrogance
3:19
overconfidence and being a jerk projecting all the all the stuff that I didn't like about myself onto everyone
3:25
else and um I wasn't you know I was fair you know liked and I had a lot of
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friends and I I actually used to open bars and restaurants for a living so I was in a a perfect industry you know
3:37
drugs and alcohol and and chasing women it was it was it was good times um until
3:43
it wasn't and about around my late I look
3:49
at my from 28 to 30 I feel like where my was my lowest period And I say lowest I
3:54
was having a lot of fun but fun like I was a college student not fun like a
3:59
about to be 30 um drinking too much chasing women um not taking my money or
4:06
my life too seriously which again hey no judgment right if somebody wants to live like that when I look back I was living
4:13
like that because I was lost I was confused I was unhappy I didn't know what to do um and the things that made
4:20
me feel good were those right if I if I got the hot girl I felt good for how you
4:25
know however long that lasted um when I was drunk I felt good right I could avoid being with
4:31
myself and I I just I got lucky I I just kind of got smacked in the face by God
4:37
the universe whatever whatever you believe whatever your label is and I woke up and realized I had like a vision
4:42
of if I keep this going you know it's cute when you're 28 30 right you're
4:48
you're you're a bartender you can pull it off you're managing bars opening place is fine but I had this saw myself
4:55
at like 50 and I remember thinking oh it's not going to be cute anymore I'm
5:02
going to be that 50-year-old Man hitting on 22y olds at the bar and we make fun
5:08
of that right like I mean it's you know creepy it's yeah and I remember like thinking that and
5:15
just being like man I got I got to change something and at the time I had no idea what I I didn't know anything
5:21
about personal development I didn't know anything about men's work I didn't know anything about coaches and I just started going down an explorative route
5:28
of what else is out there so a lot of business networking things like that and all of a sudden I started meeting
5:34
coaches and the at first I was like these people are a joke this is kind of
5:41
they get paid to do this crap why are they all so happy how are they so positive like I was just so not in that
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space that I couldn't understand how anyone else could be positive and think that they could actually kind of
5:53
determine the outcome of their own life in a way um but you meet enough people like that and all of a sudden you're
5:59
like maybe it's me maybe I'm and that's that's really what happened the short version is I eventually sat down with
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one of those coaches and uh she in a 90minut session
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with me had me realize that I'm taking me everywhere I go so if I always have a
6:17
bad boss if I'm always dating the same type of woman if I'm always having the same type of money problems it's not you
6:25
know my boss the women my parents the bank it's me mhm and that was like a you
6:32
know moment where that it just had me W you know completely wake up to the fact of wait I
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need I actually am responsible for my whole life and I and at currently at that time I was not taking responsibility for any of my
6:45
life um yes so that that's how and that was uh that was about a decade ago and that started my journey I started it for
6:53
myself and then quickly was realized oh I don't I want to actually do this with
6:59
I want to do this with other people um so about nine actually August August of
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2015 is I uh I started my kind of Journey coaching other people working
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with other people um and it's evolved into mostly men men and men's work in
7:16
men's Retreats as of about two years ago okay yeah and how old were you when you
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had the Epiphany 32 wow I'm I'm 42 now I was 32 I'm 51
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about to be 52 this December and it it's interesting I was having a conversation with one of my coaches the other day and
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I was like I've literally prayed for where my life is right now for like the last 45 years and to be you know part of
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me is like I can't believe I'm 51 and this is I'm just now having this like Epiphany but at the same time better
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late than never but I look at that and say man what would my life have looked like and I don't you know I don't beg I
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have an awesome life yeah but to be back at 32 and to be able to change the
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mindset and stuff that I've had happen I mean even in like the last year um you
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know it's I originally started maxed out man because I'm like hey I'm super I'm
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I'm fit I'm happily married for 29 years I've got all these things to offer I wonder if I can help other men kind of
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get here and then to realize that the plan and like you said God you know for me it's God God's plan but um like he
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was like all right I want you to do this so that you can learn all the stuff that you need to learn about yourself right
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it's funny how how that how that um can transition yeah I I was telling somebody
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yesterday I was I was working with a newer coach I was mentoring mentoring them and they're they they've started
8:45
coaching they're like six months in they're really trying to build a business and they asked me to Mentor them a while back and I noticed as I'm
8:51
coaching them and mentoring them I'm really coaching myself and mentoring myself all of a sudden I'm like you know
8:58
I stopped doing that thing that I'm telling them to do I should really I should really go back and start doing that thing again whether it be something
9:04
for my regular life or my you know my professional life I notice when I I work with men around their relationships
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talking to them about their their how they're dealing with their partner and I'm like man I gotta get back to that
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you know I I'm not doing that and I think that is some of the beauty of this
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if you really I think if you have integrity you gota you got to do what you say
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and I think there are a lot of people out there not doing that right it's for the money it's for the clicks it's for
9:36
there's a lot of polarity in the sense of renting the plane renting the B
9:42
Bentley so they could take these pictures and all that stuff right or even just these you know there's a lot
9:48
of men out there saying like to be a man you have to be like this and it's like
9:53
one way which I always find is kind of ironic because those same men are also talking about like don't be sheep and
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don't follow and it's like wait if there's only one way that would mean we have to this doesn't make any sense but I think that
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uh it's don't be a sheep unless I'm the shepherd is that what and nothing against Lions over sheep right like he's
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got a great following and and does his thing and very successful at that but that is fun actually I've never really
10:18
thought about that but that is funny that that's not even I don't even I don't know his his I've heard of that
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company but I don't know his work but that's a really common thing like men are like this men act like this men do
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this this you know women do this husbands do this and hey it if it works
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for you it's fine but I think that what that does is it gives us a really small
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box to play in like this world is vast and expansive and if you're telling me I
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have to fit in this box because that's who based on who I am as a man man how
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much stuff do I I miss out on how many experiences uh relationships connections
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and that's where I I feel like I'm I'm Different in the sense of I noticed that for myself for me to be a man the cool
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guy the you know all these things that were identities that were keeping me stuck before I started to open up was I
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had no room you know I I had to go to a gym and lift heavy weights I had to
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drink you know you drink a certain way you eat a certain way you date a certain type of woman um you got to have a
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certain Tye it was just iend I realized at one point I was saying no to so many things because it didn't fit this
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identity this madeup identity that I had created or that the society conditioned
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for me um yeah it's like this mask of and it you know it's a non-holistic
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approach to masculinity right like I I tend to project I'm kind of I don't drink I
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don't smoke I don't do drugs I don't do any of that stuff um I work out you know
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kind of have an alpha male type personality a little bit but at the same time when you see we with my bride of 29
12:02
years like I serve her you know completely right so like I have that
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soft side of me that doesn't fit that mold right like I'm supposed to be the
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you know I'm the head of the household you do exactly what I say and you know all of that stuff and first of all I
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hang out with a lot of badass women and she would and she's a boxer so she'd beat the crap out of me um but like it's
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that one of the biggest things and you you've probably experienced this by doing so many interviews and podcasts
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and all that I've learned I've my I thought life was like all right this is
12:36
who I am I'm gonna be this way this is my opinion yeah and by doing this and
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like I've you know I've had anything for my 92-year-old 40y year Pastor to a sex
12:48
coach to like a guy that teaches about or talks to legislation about cannabis
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and like all of this stuff but it's like so broaden my and most of them are men
13:00
frankly or talking about men's issues obviously with maxed out men but it's broadened what a guy looks like or can
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look like and it and it really just fits into whatever like you said it's like find that path for yourself and that's
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what it is yeah I I I have the same experience I
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I've learned from men who are gentle and
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wise I've learned from men who are like fierce Warriors you know I've learned
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from I've learned just as much about myself from women like not not from how
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they tell me I should be but you know I like to think of everyone we encounter as a mirror in some way you know because
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you and I meet the same person and we have a different experience of them right so they're the same but we have a
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different experience which makes it about us so I like to think I can actually learn the most
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about me in my relationships with everything else if I'm having an experience with my
14:04
wife and someone else doesn't have that experience with her well it's about me what can I learn based on how that it's
14:11
kind of like Ping Pong right like how that Ball's coming back tells me about me and it doesn't mean I I think like it
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doesn't mean I need to change or be different but it can be something I can get aware of and kind of play with like
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oh do I want to change this do I want to shift this I think that's I think you'll appreciate this I think goes along with
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it I read the other day that fir you know first marriage is 50% divorce right is like the average what do you think
14:35
the rate of divorce is when those people get married a second time it's like
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75% yeah it's like above 60% yeah yeah yeah now when the people get married a
14:45
second time and then get divorced again and then they marry a third time what do you what do you think like it's got to
14:52
be close to 8590 I would guess it's like up there in the 70s 75 somewhere above that right and when I first read it I I
15:00
was shocked cuz I was like man you'd think like we're getting older we'd get wiser right usually as you know Mak
15:06
sense young people get married quick get like they don't have any idea what it's going to be like to have kids or the
15:12
financial challenges and then it doesn't work out but you think you know if you're getting married for the third time in you're 50 or you're 60 you would
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have figured you just have two you you know and like the first marriage you bring a
15:24
U-Haul into the second marriage and then the third marriage you bring in a u with a U-Haul truck like it all just comes
15:32
along well what yeah I mean that's a great it's you were speaking like it's almost like a metaphor right we bring
15:37
ourselves to everything so we keep instead of actually I think what most
15:43
people do is instead of actually saying hey how can I transform or evolve to create what I want either in a
15:50
relationship or whatnot most that that what that marriage thing tells me is people are just going to the next thing
15:57
hoping to change the other people I'll get a new wife or a new partner and and then it will be what I want and really
16:04
they just find the same things over and over again um which is actually wife say me that's the problem right which is
16:10
actually just really sad you know and it again this doesn't have to be about relationship we see this at work right
16:16
we you hear bad job bad job bad job every job's not a bad job How come every
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job you get is a bad or how come how come like you always have bad clients or
16:28
you're always in a lawsuit yeah you know if something happens once okay but if we see a
16:34
repeated pattern I think that's where those are the biggest places for
16:39
opportunities yeah I love I do love the relationships angle it's a something I
16:45
uh you know right in my wheelhouse but um having been married for 29 years we went into it with like this is it right
16:52
like there's there's only two choices either you kill me or we stay married right like and or you can be miserable
16:59
that's the that's the third one and we went through some serious challenges and and have you know worked on it along the
17:05
way but it's like it's always like how do we change and we've been I've talked about this on the podcast before we've
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probably been counseling seven or eight times yeah from from low you know kind of just tuneups I call it changing the
17:18
oil in your marriage and they've been like significant to you know just minor stuff but like you you find out new
17:26
things about yourself every time it's like oh well this is why she reacts this
17:32
way it's actually something that I do to to create that and you know at our age
17:38
at 29 years you know married we're like I can't imagine like why would you want
17:43
to take that on starting this whole process over and we've had people that we've mentored in marriage that
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literally they've been married like 25 30 years and they get divorced yeah and it's just like man you've invested so
17:56
many years in this why don't you just figure it out that you know and no judgment on people that do get divorced
18:02
you know there there's always some reason but typically like you said it's it's it's about something within us yeah
18:09
I don't know why I was thinking about when you were describing this I was imagining you know you you move into a property house on a piece of land that
18:15
you love and over the years it's going to have it's going to start falling apart right it's going to need Paint
18:21
it's going to need repairs you know just the normal things that would happen whe you know whether it's a car or a property or house and if you ignore it
18:29
it's going to continue to get worse to the point where it becomes one of those houses we drive by on the road that's just been abandoned and falling apart
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and if you want to stay there if you love where you live and you you have to actually put some energy into it into
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cleaning it up fixing it up uh just sometimes it's just like a a Fresh coat of paint right it doesn't need to be a whole thing and I think relationships
18:50
are like that but as men many of us have been conditioned that somehow it's a
18:57
weakness it's a weakness to have to get supported there's I I heard a friend say
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to me once that to ask for support or to ask for help as a man it means you
19:07
failed which is such an again another interesting like it doesn't make any sense I never
19:14
heard of a man that went to war by himself right right you you if you want to go you know overthrow something or
19:21
take over something you get a bunch of people to come with you right and that's your army which means you got support
19:29
and you got helped and so and even I think like even if we think of the most you know most
19:34
some of the most masculine jobs like a boxer an MMA fighter right those those
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it's not that they're inherently masculine but they're that like Primal that Primal man none of those guys are
19:45
in that ring they're in the ring by themselves but what do they got five guys on the side that have been supporting them and helping them yeah
19:52
and telling them and literally guiding them you know like my wife is a boxer like I said they when they get between
19:57
rounds the coach is there saying you did this right you did this wrong you need to do more of this he's doing this she's
20:05
doing this whatever and it's like it totally like they're almost like the tool of the coaches at that point it's
20:13
there's something around and this happens a lot in our in our world where
20:19
we where for some people we make it okay and then for others we don't and so we do that in right for a boxer it's okay
20:26
that you have all this support but for an a average guy it's not you know if we
20:32
um uh we had this conversation with a group of men recently that are like let's just say middle class average guys
20:39
and they we noticed they had this resistance to getting financial support whether it be from their families or for
20:45
friends or there was this like if I get financially supported I'm like a failure I haven't I haven't done it and what we
20:51
reflected to them was did they notice that if they were if they had been born into money and they
20:58
had inherited a trust fund or their father had had a great business and given it to them or something like that
21:04
they wouldn't none of those people reject that you know a lot of the people that we look up to as very financially
21:10
successful were handed a platform to that doesn't mean they didn't grow it bigger right but they were handed a a
21:17
business a large sum of wealth and it's it's this weird um like disconnected
21:24
mindset that we have that the PE that um for some people it's okay and it doesn't mean that they're weak but for other
21:31
people we've attached this oh I I because I couldn't do it myself I failed or I'm weak yeah it's this weird thing about
21:39
work ethic I would I would think you know this kind of bluecolor mentality that pull yourself up by your bootstraps
21:46
and and all that stuff and i' been I've been thinking about this whole term self-made man lately and it's it's
21:54
[ __ ] there no there there's there's no such thing as a self man and you know
22:00
i' I've been asked to give a to give a keynote later in the year and we're going to be talking about that and I
22:06
want people to raise their hand who would consider themselves self-made yeah and then you have to ask okay ha have
22:12
you been homeless your whole life have you starved your whole life have you had anyone whatso you know like it's so easy
22:19
to debunk that idea that you know it's it's just crazy yeah you did you build
22:24
your house did you build your car right did you grow all your food it's yeah
22:29
it's I and I think there's there is something to say about like hey I I
22:34
built my business or you know I wasn't given I wasn't given a business or I
22:40
wasn't given a trust fund there there's a difference there right it's not it's not like black or white one or the other
22:46
but to but for anyone to think they've done it alone it's silly and it actually hurts all of us to think that because we
22:52
start creating that and we put that on each other it's the same as the Lone Wolf right this Lone Wolf mental
22:59
um lone you know what lone wolves do they eat scraps yeah they have to stay up all night to look for Predators but a
23:07
wolf in a pack yeah you know can take down the biggest Buffalo a wolf in a pack gets to sleep because they have the
23:13
comfort and safety of the rest of the pack yeah and I think even in that you
23:19
know you you said it before like I think that we don't want a world you use the word Alpha before I think this even gets
23:25
us into trap I don't think we want a world with like Alpha than betas I think if we're in that world we're already
23:32
we're already like disempowering ourselves we actually want to create a world where everyone's a leader now
23:37
everyone right everyone is in Alpha to a degree we don't need we don't that doesn't mean that every person has to
23:46
be I think of it as like a football team doesn't mean everyone has to be the quarterback right but if the blockers
23:52
don't block I don't care who your quarterback is Tom Brady or whatever if the if the blockers just stand up and
23:57
let the guys run by Tom Brady is is we would never have even heard the name Tom Brady if the block if
24:02
the offensive lineman just let the guys go and so the so who's so who's like the
24:08
alpha right on that team is it or like it puts this hierarchial conversation in
24:14
place that actually doesn't serve any of us we all need to work together and if
24:19
we all actually in uh become leaders at whatever our role is we all do better
24:25
right if all the offensive linemen are leaders at their position then the quarterback has a better shot
24:31
the receivers have a better shot right we all win yeah and it's that concept of servant leadership we teach a lot about
24:36
I talk a lot about that and even in our you know even in your marriage and relationships and all that if you're
24:42
serving those that you've been placed in leadership over that looks vastly different than if you lead from you know
24:48
you've probably seen that Meme where it's got the guy sitting on the leader sitting on the back with the whip
24:53
whipping people pulling this big Rock versus the guy that's pulling he's the first one right yeah and so and that's
25:00
like that changes the way that you view leadership and that whole alpha male and all of that stuff yeah I'm not I'm not a
25:06
big fan of you know that term alpha male you know I want to be you and this is
25:12
kind of how I'm normally am I want to be a leader who is I ran I used to run
25:17
health clubs back in the day and 90% of the time you would probably see me with one of those backpack vacuums and like
25:26
and I'm the I'm the operations manager of this CL right but I can tell you right now that all the housekeeping
25:32
staff would work their asses off for me because they knew I wasn't afraid to do the same thing yeah I had the same I
25:39
when I was running bars and restaurants there were there were nights where I'd have i' you know I'd often be in like a button-up shirt in a pair of jeans and
25:46
my buttonup shirt would be hanging over the dish rack and I'd be in the dish well like washing dishes because my
25:52
kitchen was getting their butt kicked MH and they needed help and if I didn't do
25:58
it right it was going to end up it wasn't just that they needed help but the if that part of the ship went down it was
26:04
going to take the rest of the ship down with them yeah so do I stand and watch my ship go down or do I like roll up my
26:09
sleeves and and get dirty for a moment and to your point those guys killed
26:15
themselves for me same thing right like hop behind a bar help a bartender out and I think yeah I think we could do we
26:22
we could do so much more of that like are you a leader who's helping raise up leaders or you leader who's trying to
26:29
stay as a leader and keeping everyone down we see this too in a lot of media I don't know if you ever did you ever
26:34
watch Vikings did you watch seen the show I haven't I didn't watch it religiously but I've seen it I've seen a lot of the episodes one of my favorite
26:40
things about how the the the kind of Vikings would fight is the the the the
26:47
kind of our our hero Vikings the ones who are the leaders would be the first ones to run into battle right they
26:54
weren't like hanging out you know when you see like an English king an English king would be sitting on his horse on
27:00
the top of the hill while his army went out right and there was a clear like
27:05
English kings had more of a I need to protect keep everyone below me because I don't want to be overthrown or lose my
27:11
it was more of a fear-based power whereas the the leader of a Viking
27:18
Clan still his leadership was always someone could take him over but it was almost like if you can take me over you
27:24
deserve it you're actually better for us so I'm going to put myself I'm gonna put my butt on the line all the time and
27:30
show you why I deserve to be the leader and fight for my leadership and and how
27:36
everybody come up with me our whole clan or whole Community would be better if that if that is
27:41
happening yeah it's it's interesting that you pointed out early in your own story and I've said this a lot which is
27:49
when you look at someone that's an [ __ ] or jerk or power hungry or whatever I always try to look and say
27:56
okay what is their self-esteem problem right because that's all to me all bad
28:02
behavior or most bad behavior is born out of self-esteem issues yeah and is
28:08
that something that you see I mean I I I feel like that that's like almost Universal with everyone particularly I
28:16
think in Men in powerful roles or in leadership roles it seems to be kind of
28:22
this this thing that continues to happen I I read somewhere recently and I think it's like an old
28:29
kind of like a lau like one of those like very old um you know phrases like
28:35
hundreds and hundreds of years ago um that every Act is either a either an act
28:42
of Love or a call for love and it's it's a little oversimplified right like it's but I
28:49
think there's something to that that when I was being an [ __ ] it was I
28:56
actually really needed love and I just didn't know how to get it and the way I got the way I was trying to get it was
29:02
attention right if I was saying crazy things and people laughed or gave me their attention it made me feel good for
29:09
a moment it's almost like a hit of a drug um right if I if I was moving
29:15
through women it was like a hit of a drug it was like I felt good for a moment but I didn't care about the the
29:21
Wake that I was leaving right and I think if you know I see this a lot with the ter like the term like toxic
29:28
masculinity I don't I don't really believe that any of us are toxic I I don't think a human being can be toxic I
29:34
think we can have behaviors that are hurtful I think we have behaviors that are UNS serving but toxic implies like
29:40
you would be sick just to be around me right and that that's that's not actually the case um when I when I hear
29:47
the term toxic masculinity or recently I've been hearing like people have been trying to bring toxic femininity all I
29:53
hear is man that person has some unresolved trauma that person has some
29:59
hurt that is coming out sideways because uh they really need something um and I
30:06
think when we label it with like such a harsh harsh judgment we actually don't give any each other the opportunity to
30:12
heal or fix the thing that's going on because we just write those people off oh they're bad they're this they're that
30:18
versus what do they need yeah it's almost like broken masculinity broken femininity yeah you
30:26
know because I think anytime that we get you know there's kind of this Continuum in the middle and I think you know I
30:31
this is I'm not political but it's almost like the politics thing you know you have like these people that are so
30:38
far on the left or so far well they don't really represent most people right
30:43
like there's there's kind of this middle ground that if we all kind of stay in the middle and really see both sides you
30:50
know of feminine and we'll bring it back to this femininity masculinity but there's like this Brokenness that puts
30:57
you into one part of that Continuum or another like and again I think it's a
31:03
matter and you know I'd love to hear your thoughts on this like we're not teaching boys how no one know no one is
31:09
teaching boys how to be men what you know what and and like you said earlier that can mean a lot of different things
31:16
but there are kind of some some basic tenants to being a guy being a man
31:22
over time that I think kind of are not being taught it's just you know all over the board
31:28
you know there's a you know we have this idea this like mythical idea in especially in American society that like
31:36
the it's it was kind of like born in the 50s and the 60s like men work women stay home with the
31:42
family and and people talk about this as like a more conservative or traditional
31:47
way the the ironic thing about that that idea is it actually only existed for a
31:53
tiny fraction of human history like the 50s and the 60s that for almost all of
31:58
human history everybody had to work MH right the men might have been out
32:03
hunting the women were farming right or the women were were uh making the
32:08
clothes and and taking care of the village while the men were building and defending so the men it it both people
32:16
had clear roles and jobs the women weren't like just sitting around holding babies right just right the women if the
32:24
women did not contribute to the society the societies didn't work they they
32:30
actually would fail and that we got to this one moment in in history in America
32:36
where it was very like oh men do this and women do this and it was very clear and then somehow that got kind of I
32:43
don't know how that got like washed upon us where it's like hey this is traditional or normal it's actually so
32:49
untraditional and normal traditional and normal is we all contribute now we might contribute in different ways right like
32:57
you know it might make more sense for men to do certain things based on physical strength or size it might make
33:03
more sense for women to do certain things but to your point your wife is a boxer right she can do some things that
33:08
a lot of men cannot do right and so would it be make sense to take away her
33:13
natural abilities just simply because she's a woman that doesn't make any sense right don't we want her to do what
33:18
she's good at and where her strengths are and there's some men that are very like loving and
33:23
nurturing um and wouldn't we want them to you know those we don't want those guys to be Navy
33:29
Seals that doesn't make sense right wouldn't it make sense to like utilize their strengths and I think um I think
33:37
we like like that to me like that's what I'm passionate about is how do we look
33:42
at each individual and and and to me this is how would better parenting would go how do
33:47
we look at our children and nurture their strengths we don't all have to be
33:52
good at everything right we don't right the the guy who's the hunter doesn't have to be good at um at farming right
33:59
that's not like he doesn't also he doesn't have to be the shaman or the priest right they're different roles right and so how do we look at people
34:07
and go hey what are you naturally good at how can I build that up and now if you want to be good at something you're not you can work on that too but we
34:14
don't all need to be able to do everything and we also don't need to be put in well just because you're this you
34:20
fit in this where it's it's not necessarily the right it's not necessarily the right fit right if if if
34:26
you're like a really gentle nice person and we're looking for Marines just to put you in that group because you're a
34:33
man actually hurts the group of Marines right it's not beneficial um so I think
34:39
we to to like we all lose when we like throw each other in
34:44
boxes without actually looking at us individually and I think that's a way tougher game to play because there's so
34:50
many of us now right it would have been easier when we were in a village of 200 people right yeah do you I'm I'm curious
34:58
because I've talked about this and kind of have my own opinion on this but I think the the opposite side of this uh
35:04
that that we're that we're seeing now is is we're also making it not okay if you
35:10
are in a particular box right like you know and that's where we're attacking
35:16
certain femininity certain traits I made a I one of my friends posted a picture
35:22
of him of the dad in the pool absolutely launching his like four-year-old son
35:28
in the pool and I put I just commented very innocently I was like this is why we need
35:34
dads and and my the point of that is that by and large and I have no data to
35:41
support this other than anecdotal that is an activity that a father is going to
35:46
do and a mother is not going to do right like if you asked a thousand people I
35:53
think you would get that same answer but he he totally took offense at it and so so did a bunch of his I finally deleted
35:59
it because all these women came up like mothers are just important and dads don't just I'm like shut up first of all
36:06
this is why I got off social media completely other than for business but like do you see that too I'm you know it
36:13
it seems like yeah like for me right like I'm I'm a particular kind of guy
36:18
like ironically and this is actually created some problems of my own I actually did build my own car and my
36:25
house and my shop like so but but at the same time there are other things that I'm not great at um but it but like I
36:35
almost get to be afraid and I think young men now are afraid too uh I have a
36:40
real heart I'm actually kind of reworking some of maxed out man I have a real heart for these young guys like
36:46
yeah it's like okay I'm a dude of a certain kind and I'm really afraid because I don't know that that's okay to
36:52
even be a guy like that right I think and I think what you're talking about
36:58
is what happens when we when we don't allow for all of it we
37:03
allow for none of it right it's and I think that's the the
37:10
um we're see we're seeing this all over right if if like one political party is bad then the other Pol political like
37:16
everything gets kind of ping ponged back to the other thing and so if it's like hey everyone can do everything then when
37:24
we look at someone specifically can do something better it like gets we just
37:29
get weird about it instead of this full kind of acceptance well wait what if it
37:34
all could exist what if it could be that you know maybe more often than not
37:41
it's dads chucking their kids unsafely right into the air oh yeah and yeah
37:48
there are women that do that also right and it's not a I think that also we live in this time too
37:55
where there's no contact everybody reacts to things out of context right I I um I I it's I do this I try to stay
38:04
away from stuff online and one of one of the guys I work with often will say to me how come you're not you know going at
38:11
these people that are saying these things and I'm like I just don't see any purpose if I'm you know there's
38:18
no if I say hey you know like if I put in an opinion all I get is their followers or their things just coming
38:25
back and now I'm just wasting my time with people that are sitting in their ba in their mom's basement on a keyboard
38:31
you know and um and I I think that this
38:36
has like been an unfortunate thing we created these mechanisms to connect us
38:43
right and we've been become way more disconnected and we are reacting to things outside of the context of which
38:50
they're in and I think it actually gets you more um like more followers more energy to be
39:00
kind of outlandish right to to if you took that stance of like this is why we need dads
39:05
and you were actually serious and you weren't but you if if that was like your whole model is like these are all the
39:10
things that dads do that moms can't do right you would have a
39:16
truckload of men following you yeah that would be that would actually really be serious about that
39:24
um you know it's social media I don't know if you know you might know
39:29
this you're older than me I think this is all goes back to um I think this is one of the biggest
39:38
like mistakes that we've ever seen politically in the world uh when we change news from being a a consu like a
39:46
consumer um you know news used to be broadcast with no commercials just to give you the
39:52
facts and then Nixon changed the law to make it so that news could be a money
39:57
thing so then all of a sudden uh it didn't matter kind of backfired on Nixon yeah totally and it's not I don't
40:05
have an OP I don't know you know I don't know enough about right I'm not I'm not here to judge Nixon or or this isn't
40:10
even a political conversation it's like we made a political decision to go from news from being public broadcasting and
40:15
didn't make money to now news is entertainment right and so now it's all about generating money so now it's not
40:22
news It's Entertainment right and social media which was supposed to be about connecting us
40:28
actually also became about money right because Facebook and it's all about money it's not actually about connection
40:34
and so now it's more about how do we get us angry pissed off motivated passionate
40:40
drive up all our emotions so we just have these reactions and we're just like throwing up our reactions onto each
40:46
other and it it's and it's all unintentional right I don't think any I don't think Nixon was like oh this look
40:52
how this is going to play out in 2024 we're going to be a mess and just like I don't think the social media people were
40:59
like oh this is going to really mess with like Society gender masculinity people coming together um yeah but we I
41:07
think all these things are it's so layered right our masculinity is so layered our relationships are so layered
41:14
I don't know I don't know how we get out of it besides like actually being nice to each other and and and kind of
41:19
learning to um like get more connected to our uh
41:25
emotional intelligence yeah I mean it's it's a scary time I mean the last time and I'll make a
41:32
comment about social media but the last time I remember this like America coming
41:37
together at a Grassroots level was actually 911 yeah you know and and after
41:44
that it's it's just completely and you know whatever about the political side of 911 and all that stuff but like we
41:51
were fairly United at like okay this common enemy and all that stuff but it's
41:56
like that doesn't happen anymore it's like we're so it I don't know how we
42:01
recover I'm pretty nervous about it honestly it's but to your point about social media about two and a half weeks
42:08
ago I made a decision at the encouragement of my coach to get off social media um I'm still there but I
42:15
basically use an app on my phone and my iPad and I block social media from those two devices so I get on my desktop and I
42:22
go I have multiple Brands and businesses so I go in and just check my notifications on my on the business.
42:28
face.com and that's all I do and I was looking at my phone the other day you
42:33
know you kind of get those like screen time phone on your iPhone and I had saved 11
42:41
hours and and what my coach and I talk about is that those hours are not just one for one you almost get like a four
42:47
to one like I I feel better so like let's say 40 hours right I feel better
42:53
my mindsets better I'm happier um and it's I've re it's
42:58
beginning to rewire my brain like I'm I'm started working on a book and my creativity is better I can think better
43:06
I can read longer like it's it's nuts um and and the Side Story of that is I
43:11
don't scroll through the No No Newsfeed but I happened to see a post from a friend of mine and it was negative I
43:19
thought about that for like three hours yeah and I was like God I just like I'm gonna have to put like a block over this
43:25
part of my screen but it's just like it makes them so much money to divide us
43:31
that we can't even you know like I had a conversation on the podcast with a with a a a gay man married to a very
43:37
conservative gay man yeah and so we and we had this great conversation that in
43:43
normal life I you know I live in Montana he and I are not gonna not gonna have
43:48
that conversation but it was so open and we're completely opposites on you know just in terms of lifestyle and all that
43:56
um but it's like you don't we wouldn't normally get those and I'm supposed to not like that guy right you know I can
44:02
like the husband I can like his right I can like his husband but I can't like him because he's liberal right and I'm
44:09
conservative or whatever right it's just nuts yeah you know
44:15
we when you say it's like I I think this is I mean look part of the reason I'm sure you do are doing what
44:22
you're doing and part re than I do what I do is because I don't actually think
44:27
that I can have an impact by like running for office or doing something like that I think that there's a we have
44:33
systems that are so in hardened almost that you know I think most people that
44:39
run for office probably started in a really positive I want to help but I do think that the like essentially we're
44:47
people on the ground right we're with hum other humans we actually can make a difference you know when we when um when
44:54
I host a retreat and we have like 25 men sitting around a fire and we're talking about naked with
45:01
bongos right that's definitely not definitely not naked sorry that's what people think that men do at Men's
45:06
Retreats there we do often have a drum there often is a drum but definitely not naked um and and look there are men's
45:13
Retreats where that those are whatever floats your boat right uh you know we we
45:21
um we have a one of the activities we do at one point is we have this belief that
45:27
how can you support your brother if you don't know what your brother believes and you can't support his belief like in
45:33
terms of Faith so we do this exercise where all the men share their their belief and their
45:39
faith and there's no like trying to change anyone's convince anyone it's
45:44
just sharing and listening and at the end of what we often find is we have men
45:50
from we have men that don't believe in anything right that there's there's we're just here and then we're gone
45:55
there's no God there's no and then we have men that are you know we've had uh Jews Muslims and Christians that are
46:02
very very devout to their faiths and then people that are about energy and what notot and at the end of that
46:08
exercise what happens every time is almost all the men are like wow we're all so similar regardless of what they
46:16
believe right and um and they all are accepting of each other's beliefs no
46:22
one's beliefs are actually getting in the way of anyone else's and they see that that we can be that I can you know
46:32
if my friend is a Christian and he wants to you know and I know that about him
46:37
then my job as a friend isn't to necessarily believe what he believes but to support him in his
46:43
beliefs and him to me and that makes us again all better and then we all
46:48
actually get to live the lives we want because my life doesn't infringe on his and his doesn't infringe on mine and I
46:54
think that that like those types of that work that we're doing and it's my hope right that we
47:01
send those men back into their lives and they're more accepting in their communities they teach other men to be
47:07
more accepting they teach men to to like be more Curious to ask more questions
47:13
and understand why someone believes what they believe and then all of a sudden we hopefully we have more people going wow
47:19
I thought my neighbor was whatever because he's this and I actually found out we all just like want to be happy we
47:27
want to feed our families we want to take a vacation that just because he believes whatever he believes I'm not
47:32
I'm safe over here like nothing's you know he's not trying to change me or take what I have um and and I think that
47:41
that's the that's our job I I I just believe like that's our if we can do
47:47
that a little bit enough at a time there H I just have to believe that there's a ripple um that can make things better
47:55
yeah I mean that's you know it's and I totally agree and it's interesting
48:00
because each of us have a different opportunity and whether we're like doing this um at a higher level or just your
48:08
average guy at your job or church or in the community or whatever it's kind of
48:13
all of us to come alongside of each other um you know one of the things that's been really kind of with max out
48:20
man is I'm focusing I've I've tra I've traditionally been like all right you're 40 plus right like you're my demographic
48:26
right um but it's become I went on a retreat um and over the course of this weekend I
48:33
did a business thing and then I did a retreat and over like four days I had 12 different conversation and 11 of them
48:39
were with men under the age of 30 and nine of those were about marriage and
48:45
family so it's like hey here's a light bulb and like they were genuinely interested in what I had to say and
48:51
offer and my experience and all that so I'm like all right well clearly I need to reach these younger guys and like for
48:59
me from a marriage standpoint I want to get their I want to make their first marriage their only marriage you know
49:07
and and have it as awesome as my marriage is you know look at 30 years later okay you're 25 you're thinking
49:13
about getting married let's look at you 30 years later and see what that marriage looks like but we all have this
49:19
this conduit to be able to to reach men and to teach men you know how to be the
49:26
man and then you know our tagline right how to be the man you were made to be right and that looks different for each
49:33
man you know there are certain aspects servant leadership and you know taking care of yourself and not being an
49:39
[ __ ] and you know all all of those different things but I love that you have a particular way of doing things I
49:46
have a particular way of doing things and then the thousands of other good coaches right not the guys we were
49:52
talking about before that are there kind of for their own thing you know their own edification but uh yeah I think it's
49:58
awesome yeah the thing you made me think of just now is there's two one is like
50:06
Integrity that Integrity is not a
50:11
uh uh Integrity applies to each man uniquely right and I think of
50:17
Integrity as almost like you know if we have a ship right the Integrity of the ship is that the ship doesn't sink right
50:23
it doesn't have holes in it the hole has integrity s and it it floats and that
50:29
all of us as humans are going to hey we're going to get some holes there's going to we're going to get some dings and some stuff and some water's going to
50:35
come in when we do that that's like hey we lied we we did something we don't
50:40
believe we we don't believe in we didn't speak Our Truth we said we'd be somewhere we didn't we were late all
50:45
these like little you know bigger things would be you know you cheat on your partner that maybe a bigger thing you
50:51
steal from your job right but we we all have these like little infringes on our integrity like these little holes in the
50:57
bottom of the boat if we're giving attention to our integrity few little
51:03
holes not we we don't notice that much but a few more holes and the boat is
51:09
actually taking on water and it takes the same amount of energy to move that boat forward as it um but it goes at a
51:16
slower rate because it's taking on water right so we're using more energy to move slowlier now the more if we don't pay
51:21
attention we take on more water whatever eventually we're we're using all of our energy we're bu moving to the point
51:27
where we sink and if we we are men living in Integrity then we're constantly looking
51:33
to clean up the whole of our ship Patch It Up clean it up say our apologies do
51:38
our forgiveness you know give our forgiveness clean up the messes we make and then our our Ship Sails further
51:46
and faster with less energy I love it right like that that works for all of us
51:52
we all want that right why why do you want to why do you want to use all your energy to barely move want to go further
51:57
and faster easier right um and but for that to happen we have to take we have
52:04
to take responsibility full responsibility for our ship we can't be like oh that
52:10
Iceberg over there did it or that guy did it or wait no it's our ship we gota we got to clean up our hole we gotta we
52:17
got to do that and we and then it actually makes our life better so taking full responsibility for your life living
52:23
from Integrity makes your life easier better and smoother and helps you get where you want to go faster yeah um but
52:31
we don't live in a society and we don't live in a world really that thinks like
52:37
that yeah and so to me the work that you're doing the work that I'm doing
52:44
that's I think to me that's where I look is like hey is the work someone's doing helping people with those two core
52:50
things is it are they are they telling men it's other people's fault right it's
52:55
the it's the feminist or the this or the that which maybe it is or it isn't I have no idea but it doesn't help it
53:02
doesn't help to if we're kicking the blame it only serves us to actually take
53:08
responsibility for our own ships the ships of our lives and so to me that's
53:13
that's like my core that's the core work I'm doing is is getting guys in touch
53:19
with their integrity getting them in touch with full responsibility and then letting them steer that ship wherever
53:24
they want to go and I often one of my favorite things to say to people is look I know a lot of things I know a lot of
53:30
truths but those are my truths and I'm not here to give you my truths I'm here to help you find your
53:36
truth right and and that to me is if there's a red flag when I see someone
53:42
else saying this is the truth and this is what you need because even if it is a
53:48
great tip just because it worked for them doesn't mean it's going to work for you yeah th you know this is what works
53:55
for me it may not work for you or or whatever and it it's funny when you would you use the ship analogy because
54:02
they literally say you know the Integrity it's the Integrity of the whole has been compromised right like
54:09
that's so that's a that's a great analogy and there's a I've talked about this before on the podcast I think but
54:15
there's a song it's a Christian song and it says Dear younger me it's not your fault and I hate that line and I like
54:21
the song but I hate that line because I'm like it's probably 100% your
54:27
fault because that's how it works right like if you don't take if it's and and I
54:33
say this the good news about it being your fault is that that gives you the
54:39
control to to rectify the whatever decision you made if it's someone else's
54:44
fault or completely outside of your control you're screwed yeah because like this is this just how it is you have no
54:51
ability to affect change in that and so I love and the Integrity piece is so important to that
54:57
and it's not an Integrity a lot of people think about in terms of an external thing like I hurt this person
55:02
or didn't do this for this person but it really is an internal thing like I did my workout today I ate right today I was
55:09
kind to my wife and you know I had my mindset work or what you know whatever those things are but you know it's such
55:15
an important key I think an Integrity you know I think when you're doing Integrity
55:22
right it like actually messes with you and I'll I'll share what this means like when you're doing in when you're living
55:28
in Integrity it's like having a compass in your mind at all times so you're
55:33
saying I want to go north because this is the kind of man I want to be so for
55:38
instance I'm in a I go to a networking group once a week I go into the bathroom before the group starts you know I go to
55:44
the bathroom I wash my hands as I'm walking out the door I throw the paper towel to the trash can and it misses
55:49
there's no one else there and I have a moment where I'm like opening the door and I'm like about to go back to the
55:55
meeting and I pause and I'm like oh man damn it
56:01
and I go back and I pick up the base of paper and I put it in the trash can it's
56:07
so dumb right it's like one piece of paper it's fine there's somebody who's like job who's gets paid to clean up all
56:13
that stuff right I could make all the justifications in the world but my Integrity part of the being the man I
56:20
want to be says I want to uh leave the world better than I found it I want to
56:26
leave leave people with value I want to have a positive impact so if I am just leaving trash on
56:34
the ground when I could have just as easily it's not like there was no trash can and I had no idea where to put it
56:40
right to be in Integrity with the man I say I want to be I had to go pick that up it's the dumbest it's so silly right
56:48
but to me if I'm doing that then when I actually make a bigger mess I'll clean
56:53
that mess up too right if I'm willing to do the if I'm willing to Pi through the little messes the bigger it's it's all
56:59
um it like speaks to who we are if you you know if you say you're going to work
57:04
out in the morning and you're like no I don't feel like it I guarantee you when when your
57:11
partner wants to talk to you about something important that feels hard you're not going to do it you're gonna be like I don't feel like it or when you
57:17
got to do something at work that feels hard you're not going to do it but if we train
57:22
ourselves to as often as possible right and we all miss right there's times where we all get our whole our whole
57:29
messed up um but all of a sudden it becomes I was in a a situation with my
57:35
wife and we got an argument about something and we don't we don't argue too often but we got an argument about something and she was upset at me for
57:41
something I said and I remember sitting on the way home in the car and I was like pissed at myself because I I could
57:48
I knew she was right yeah you know I knew she was right it wasn't about that we disagreed on something and who was
57:54
right about that it was like the way I said it M was like not nice and I and
57:59
the thing that pissed me off that I was mad at myself is I was like I'm not committed to being that guy I'm not
58:05
committed to being the guy who treats people in his life like that and so it was this like my compass was the compass
58:12
in my brain was like we're going left man you said you wanted to go north we're going left yeah so you got to get us back North which means you got to go
58:19
apologize you got to go clean it up um and I I and I don't think that's a you
58:26
don't get there in one week you you we we create this by um getting really
58:32
clear on the man that we want to be in the future that that thing I started with where I said I could see myself at
58:38
50 and it was going to not be pretty and it was going to be lame was I then
58:44
reversed that and I said who do I want to be at 50 who do I want to be at 60 what's the kind of man that I want to be
58:51
then and then can I start aligning my life to like can I start sailing my sh sh in that
58:57
direction yeah and that's you know I'm at 60 right like I I want to look and see based on where I'm starting where
59:04
I've come you know and now get to 50 51 52 and like I'm like I'm stoked to be 60
59:10
and to see how far I've come and yeah I I love that because it's exactly what I do the the idea about the trash can
59:17
thing we were on we were hiking on Saturday and someone had dropped a a kind bar rapper on the trail and I mean
59:24
and this is like back country Montana these are yeah these are not those kind of people and and so what's interesting
59:31
is kind of this twofold thing first of all I picked it up and stuck it in the backpack because I'm like this just
59:37
doesn't need to be out here but then I I actually made a conscious decision to
59:42
say I'm 100% sure that that person didn't just throw that thing on the ground yeah they probably had it in
59:48
their backpack and it fell out like I have no contact with this person but I'm trying to give them the benefit of the
59:54
doubt in my mind to not say these people suck I can't believe they would throw
59:59
that on the on the ground right but I find myself doing that all the time which is like you missed something I
1:00:05
tried to like pick up if you're GNA pick up your trash pick and there's an extra on the ground you know pick that up and
1:00:11
and it it's such a it like you said it's kind of dumb it's but it's like each
1:00:16
incremental step to becoming and staying the man that you want to be each one of
1:00:22
those things is a is an Integrity piece that if if they're not all firing you're gonna really struggle like
1:00:30
you said for th those big pieces yeah we're building a you know
1:00:35
it's like building a building or a pyramid or something right we got to start at the bottom and if we don't
1:00:41
handle the foundation the bottom layers we skip those or we do a lazy job on those then
1:00:49
the higher we get the more unstable that structure is going to be and ultimately
1:00:55
as we get to to the higher place we're going to suffer the consequences right we're it's going to be unstable it's going to fall it's not going to um it's
1:01:01
not going to be able to support the weight of whatever we want to build on it yeah go ahead I I love what you said too
1:01:09
about the uh the trash rapper because it reminds me of a practice I do in traffic
1:01:15
right I live in San Diego a lot more traffic than in Montana yeah although a lot of those
1:01:20
Californians have moved and they're the problem now I watch I watch Yellowstone I love it I know all about this problem
1:01:27
um love Yellowstone it's great you know it's everything that's all I know about Montana the the joke is we kill a few
1:01:34
less people where I live than the we don't have a train we don't have a a train station or whatever that so oh
1:01:40
yeah where they drive yeah where they um so but something that that you're reminding me of is is it's so easy to
1:01:47
get pissed off when we're driving right like we we have no idea what's happening somebody cuts us off and we immediately
1:01:52
think like oh we could have been hurt or we're in danger and so react um we might
1:01:57
not even realize we're reacting from that that we could have been hurt or danger but we're having this reaction
1:02:02
and something I started practicing a while ago is reminding myself that I have no idea what's happening in that
1:02:08
car in front of me that that person could be rushing to the hospital because they just found out their their their
1:02:13
partner's in labor their mom is dying um I don't know that they didn't just get fired right I don't know that they are
1:02:21
um you know who knows right they're fighting with they're on the phone fighting with their partner um but that
1:02:27
most of the time somebody's not going oo I'm going to cut this guy off I'm going to really piss him off right yeah um no
1:02:35
I don't think any of us are doing that right even even when we've been the one to turn out a little too soon we
1:02:40
misjudge it we're not actually trying to like screw the other person um we're more likely thinking
1:02:47
about ourselves and and if we all gave our uh
1:02:53
each other a little more grace like we took the B the benefit of the doubt that you took that hey I bet they
1:02:59
didn't do this on purpose what would that change in our in all of our daily lives if we all just
1:03:05
said hey I bet this person isn't doing this on purpose um and then what if we also gave ourselves that Grace and I
1:03:12
think men really could use this where you know I I so many of the men I work
1:03:17
with when we get them to open up they talk they talk about their internal conversations and how mean they are to
1:03:23
themselves yeah you know a guy like doesn't close the sale or messes up something at work and I have one guy
1:03:29
that I'm like in my mind right now and he he shared with us that he's like you [ __ ] idiot you suck you're a failure
1:03:38
like these are the things that he's saying to himself when he messes up at work
1:03:43
and how is that guy supposed to live a happy fulfilled life if that's his
1:03:49
internal dialogue and if that's his internal dialogue with himself when something happens to him that's going to
1:03:55
going to come out on somebody else yeah and usually they would you would never use the
1:04:02
language that you use to yourself I mean not like you know
1:04:07
cussing I'm saying just you would never say the things you say to yourself to most other people in your life and to be
1:04:15
that harsh um Michelle my wife and I we have this conversation a lot because she's really hard on herself and she's a
1:04:22
perfectionist and all that I'm like if you and I always give her the line if you you could see yourself the way that I see you yeah you you'd never have a
1:04:29
problem with self-esteem you know because she's an absolute rock star just at everything she does well she also
1:04:36
puts she she's also puts herself in you know as a boxer the air the margin of
1:04:42
error for uh D destruction is so slim
1:04:48
right we're not we're not all usually playing in that tight of right if I M well you know I do want to full
1:04:53
disclosure she is a hobbyist boxer not like a professional B right so but if she's boxing right and she if you're
1:04:59
boxing I don't know if she spars right but if she's sparring and with 21y old men and she's 51 yeah right she makes a
1:05:07
mistake the consequence is like getting punched in the face right yeah I would say 99% of us if we make a mistake
1:05:13
that's not we're not it's not life or death it's not physical injury yeah it's more like self-esteem confidence um a
1:05:21
little embarrassment some rejection and yeah if you're in a right
1:05:26
if you are a combat fighter if you're in the military if you're working with very
1:05:31
dangerous equipment yeah a a mistake is is costly
1:05:36
right it's it's it's we got to be but I don't know that it helps you never hear like a sniper cut like cussing himself
1:05:44
out telling himself he's like an idiot those guys if you actually look at right they have to be as calm as could be and
1:05:51
I I might even argue the same about a good boxer is probably internally yeah really calm and still it's externally
1:05:57
that's their calmness and Stillness is what actually allows them to be um move
1:06:03
so gracefully and swiftly and quickly yeah it's funny because they when you do when you're a boxer and especially
1:06:09
amateur and because they haven't they just don't have the experience um you you try to time what's called the
1:06:15
adrenaline Dum so like you're prepared you've been thinking about it for a week you've been
1:06:21
training for it for however many months and you're cutting weight and all that stuff but you want to time the
1:06:26
adrenaline dump so it happens actually before you step into the ring cuz what
1:06:31
you see a lot of amateur but we actually went to some fights the other day a couple weeks ago and and you can see it
1:06:38
right they're all just like crazy going and then that's round one and then round two the adrenaline dump has happened in
1:06:46
round one which you want it to not happen in round one you want it to happen before but then in round two they
1:06:51
kind of get more into their Rhythm and You' be like all right well there's there's the skill right there's the
1:06:57
footwork there's the you know combinations and there's that versus like you know Haymakers and and all that
1:07:03
stuff that you see these guys making so and with the sniper military guys have
1:07:09
systems right like there are they are very specific systems that you go through I'm kind of a systems guy so
1:07:15
like if you when you put yourself in situations if you can kind of walk through a a particular system thought
1:07:20
process it tends to help with some of that you know some of that stuff but yeah the selft talk stuff I mean we're I
1:07:27
think we're all guilty of it I'm I'm really guilty of it um I'm working on that and what I find is I find more joy
1:07:34
and contentment yeah when whenever I do this and and I the other day Michelle
1:07:40
and I we work out together every morning she was doing a circuit so it's a high-intensity workout and I told her
1:07:47
like I'm gonna be like I'm gonna try to get you to think of yourself while you do this workout the way that Donald
1:07:53
Trump thinks about himself all the time [Laughter]
1:07:59
so I was a ridiculous cheerleader for her everything like the whole time like
1:08:04
I'm working out but I'm watching her and I'm giving her tons of encouragement I asked her later I'm like how did that feel even though it was completely over
1:08:11
the toop ridiculous and she goes it felt really good yeah to have that cheerleader and what what that teaches
1:08:18
the idea is it teaches me to do that for myself to give myself that encouragement
1:08:23
and give myself that teacher and I used I you just Donald Trump because you know it's like it's the my doctor said I'm
1:08:30
the healthiest whoever you know healthiest you're best ever he's never seen a you know and I'm telling her I've
1:08:36
never seen someone do a circuit this good you know all this stuff so because that's like I want to have that
1:08:43
confidence you know not I don't want to be a narcissist but I want to I want to have that
1:08:48
confidence that he has right like you know there's something to be said for for that level and obviously part of it
1:08:55
is is a act and it's a character that he plays and and all that but but yeah that's there is yeah there and there is
1:09:02
something to like right there's somewhere in the can we can we like EB and flow in it right can we if we always
1:09:11
have that right if we're always I'm the best yeah then then I never get to mess
1:09:17
up either right I can't learn from my mistakes it's it there's a the consequence to I'm the best at
1:09:23
everything or I'm super great right if she actually believes this or you did or I did right then when you know when my
1:09:28
when I mess up with my wife when I say something that's not nice or mean or whatever then I would never actually own
1:09:33
that because I'd be like that's not me I'm like perfect you know yeah so there is like this
1:09:39
beautiful this beautiful EB and flow that I think we want to be on where can we can we turn on our kind of self can
1:09:46
we turn on like our turbo boosters and really believe in ourselves when we need to and can we have the awareness to go
1:09:56
oh wait I'm not perfect I did also mess up but in the messing up not then flip
1:10:01
it the other way and go to the extremes of how bad I am just go hey you know what I messed up this is a learning
1:10:07
opportunity challenges create opportunities um I think you know conflict in relationship is actually
1:10:14
what creates intimacy if we if everything's smooth and good all the time that must we're just super
1:10:19
comfortable and we're not growing and we're not challenging each other or stretching each other um but it's so
1:10:25
it's such a fine it's such a fine line right because we want to have that confidence we want to teach it to our children um but we also want them to be
1:10:32
able to pause and and go you know what like I'm not the best at everything
1:10:37
everywhere all the time all at once yeah because then you just get like again you're kind of a narcissist it it
1:10:44
it makes me think of golf right I used to play a lot of golf I don't play much anymore but golf the the the what a lot
1:10:51
of golfers will say especially you know guys that are like nine 10 15 handicaps they will say it's just that
1:10:59
one it only takes one shot one good shot to get me to come back the next week and
1:11:05
keep in mind you're you're like 80 90 shots in a round yeah right but it's
1:11:10
that one drive that one chip that one putt or whatever to where okay I'm gonna
1:11:17
come back and try to do more of that and I almost think that that's but to have the confidence to come back and say I'm
1:11:24
capable of doing it at that level but I'm incapable of doing it at that level
1:11:29
all the time but I'm going continue to strive to be a little bit better you know today than I was this round than I
1:11:36
was NE last round or whatever right yeah it's great I never thought about it from golf perspective right we we we hear
1:11:42
about it in baseball all the time right if you're you're a great hitter if you get you know three hits out of 10 right
1:11:48
if you reach base three out of 10 times you're a great hitter um yeah you're great if you're great to the degree at
1:11:55
which you're not good yeah yeah totally not not perfect right yeah right if you
1:12:01
can if you can be good 30% of the time you're actually excellent in this in
1:12:06
this thing because it's so diff and but we don't we don't have that
1:12:11
we don't relate to ourselves as that you know we when I'm working with clients or or
1:12:17
I'm mentoring other coaches it's like man you don't have to get hired every time you don't have to close every sale
1:12:24
what you got to do is keep going up to the plate and keep swinging over and over and over again and yes if you if
1:12:30
you keep doing that you're going to likely hit the ball more you're going to close more sales you're gonna get more
1:12:36
clients you're going to build your business but what we know for sure is if you have if you when you when you get in
1:12:42
a a slump or a valley or a challenging period if you stop or you quit you'll never you'll never overcome that right
1:12:49
you only need that one hit that one good shot to get you back in the game and then sometimes we like explode from
1:12:55
there you know there's I think we have these illusions that our businesses or
1:13:00
our lives are these just like upward trajectories yeah are every time one of
1:13:08
my favorite things for myself is to think about hey every time I reach a peak of a Mountaintop right I I
1:13:13
published a book I I've done you know hundreds of podcasts or whatever whatever the thing is right I got married you're like at the peak and
1:13:20
you're you're looking at the view well what happens next yeah I gotta
1:13:25
come all I gotta go all the way back down and I have to go all the way back
1:13:31
down before I pick whatever my next mountain is that I'm G to climb and that
1:13:36
down part that down and up part usually kind of sucks um now we might enjoy like
1:13:43
what we're doing or the journey but I mean that's you've been married a lot longer than me like that's the majority
1:13:50
of our relationships is is the down and then the up again there's there's Pinnacle
1:13:56
moments but whether it be in business or relationship those Pinnacle moments are very those are not those are the
1:14:02
minority experiences of our lives and the the down and the back up
1:14:08
is the 90% of Our Lives yeah I love that you honestly I
1:14:14
think I want to be respectful of your time I could talk to you all day this has been awesome um but I think that's a
1:14:19
great I think that's a great place to land you know just looking at your life from those es and flows and from an
1:14:26
entrepreneurial standpoint a friend of mine named Derrick helper put out this graph and he said you know what what
1:14:32
people think you know it it kind of showed this up and down he's like what people think entrepreneur life is like
1:14:37
and then he's like what it's really like and it looked it basically was like this yeah right like the whole thing was just
1:14:42
scribbles and and all that stuff but that and that's kind of like our life too right like there is no real static e
1:14:50
and flow not that that's kind of an oxymoron but you know the really is though like this is the way that it goes
1:14:56
it's always highs and lows and everywhere in between and and I think that's often so how would um how would
1:15:02
we get a touch with you follow you learn more about you if we want to do that so
1:15:07
uh my website is Alex teranova coaching.com the Retreats I host are
1:15:13
Alchemy men retreat.com um Instagram inspirational
1:15:20
Alex and yeah I mean I I'm available on all those you know there's no uh there's
1:15:26
no Bots running those for me it's me no vas right no no we have no vas I
1:15:32
don't know when you're going to put this out we have a we have our Last Retreat of the year coming up in October outside
1:15:37
of Austin October 17th uh we're about half full we usually have about 20 to 25 guys about half full for this one um and
1:15:45
then we'll have probably five retreats in 2025 um it's some cool stuff it's a it's
1:15:52
it's about three days of looking at who you are as a man who you
1:15:58
want to be as a man what are the constructs that made you who you are is it working is it not working connection
1:16:04
Brotherhood um getting pushed out of your comfort zone some cold plunging some fire
1:16:10
circles um some breath work some some deep like awareness work um a lot of
1:16:16
healing a lot of growth that sounds awesome yeah I'll definitely we'll be um I'll make sure we put this out in time
1:16:22
to to get that to get that push going all right Alex well thank you very much man I appreciate you thanks for having
1:16:28
me I appreciate you thanks for having me thanks for having letting this conversation be like the entrepreneurial I love it's the be those
1:16:35
are the best kind if you're looking to really maximize your life and become the man you were made to be head over to
1:16:42
maxed out man.com and get your journey started today