Episode 54 - Growing up Davis - Faith Davis Spills the Tea on Her Dad: The Good, Bad, & Ugly

In this episode, Kevin Davis and his daughter Faith discuss the challenges and successes of their father-daughter relationship. They explore the importance of building emotional connections, being present and showing interest in their daughters' lives, and treating them with respect and care. 

They also discuss the impact of parental examples on their daughters' relationships and the importance of setting a baseline for healthy relationships. They emphasize the need for parents to be there for their children, while also allowing them space to grow and make their own decisions. 

The conversation concludes with a discussion on transitioning to an adult relationship with their daughters. In this conversation, Kevin Davis discusses his transition from a parent-child relationship with his parents to an adult-child relationship. He shares how this transition has allowed him to be more open and honest about his life and experiences. The conversation also highlights the importance of maintaining distance and connection as children become adults.

Takeaways

• Building emotional connections with daughters is crucial for a healthy father-daughter relationship.
• Being present and showing interest in their daughters' lives helps foster a strong bond.
• Treating daughters with respect and care sets a positive example for their future relationships.
• Parents should set a baseline for healthy relationships and teach their daughters to value themselves.
• Encouraging independence and decision-making helps daughters develop into confident adults.
• Transitioning to an adult relationship requires open communication and mutual respect. Transitioning to an adult-child relationship can be challenging but also rewarding.
• Open and honest communication is crucial for building a strong relationship between parents and adult children.
• Maintaining distance and connection allows for independence while still staying connected with family.
• Listening to podcasts or having conversations with parents can be a valuable way to initiate discussions and strengthen relationships.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction
02:01 Building Emotional Connection
05:24 Being Present and Showing Interest
09:19 Treating Daughters with Respect and Care
13:35 Setting a Baseline for Relationships
16:59 The Impact of Parental Example
20:12 The Importance of the Parental Relationship
22:59 Helping Daughters Navigate Relationships
26:41 Encouraging Independence and Decision-Making
33:18 Being There and Allowing Space
36:39 Transitioning to an Adult Relationship
46:49 Transitioning to an Adult-Child Relationship
48:09 Open and Honest Communication
49:04 Maintaining Distance and Connection

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Transcript

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0:00
Welcome to maxed out man helping you
0:06
become the man you were made to be hey guys it's Kevin Davis from the
0:11
max outman podcast this is episode number 54 and this is going to be kind of an interesting special episode I'm
0:18
doing with my daughter so we're going to here talk about daddy daughter stuff how
0:23
I failed her as a father how I did some good things and some bad things uh and just kind of go through that kind of
0:29
stuff so I thought this will be fun uh to get her on and talk some of those things so miss Faith Davis thanks very
0:36
much for joining me I'm excited to be do it so kind of weird is it to be a little
0:41
podcast right um so we had talked about doing this for a while so one of the
0:47
things I like to do with all the guests you included is kind of introduce yourself tell me tell all of us who you
0:53
are how old you are what you do for a living all that stuff great well my's
1:00
faith I am the spawn of Kevin Davis here I'm 24 living in Atlanta I work as a
1:06
paramedic and I'm going to school for preed stuff hopefully when we it to be a
1:12
doctor someday and of that and my two cats as most of what I do with my T and
1:18
your boyfriend right yes Jonathan we'll go put here shout out to Jonathan
1:24
actually I'm going to try to get Jonathan on here at some point too that kid is uh represents what I think all
1:30
young men should aspire to right now so that's uh that's pretty High Praise right but yeah that's a lot that's a lot
1:35
coming from you so we talked a little bit about so I think that this would be a great episode
1:42
just to reach out and talk to dads about um you know kids in general but in
1:48
particular dad's raising daughters right so we you know we've had our times when
1:54
things were great and times were not so great and you know full disclosure faith
1:59
and I tend to be a lot alike which has created some interesting
Building Emotional Connection
2:05
exchanges uh we have a little bit of um yeah we we need a safe word when we have
2:10
conversation because she and I can get into it a little bit so uh but I want to kind of educate the guys that are
2:16
listening and women that are listening about kind of what it's like having a daughter and what it's like as a
2:25
daughter um what you would love to have as your dad right like you've grown up
2:31
now you're 24 when you turned 13 14 your head was spaying around and you were you
2:37
know Satan spawn and all that kind of stuff um which is a joke but yeah when
2:43
you turn 13 or 14 which all girls do a rough time yeah it's a little bit of a rough time for all of this but tell me
2:49
kind of what you think are some of the things that I did well and things that I
2:55
did not do so well in the context of if dads are kind of in that 12 13year old
3:01
and we'll talk let's talk about kind of that time frame first and then we kind of move on to as you've gotten into
3:07
adulthood yeah I think that's a good way to frame it too because my thinking on it now is so different than I felt at 13
3:15
for to your world is just so different I think I would kind of I thought about it
3:20
a little bit before doing the podcast I think I would describe it very much in the sense of like you have always been
3:27
so good at the there's never been a doubt in my mind that if I needed you
3:33
for anything anything's practical anything went wrong if I had any question about nuclear physics I would
3:39
just assume that you know the answer cuz that's that's time of I think like the Daddy's my hero kind of thing is still
3:45
very pervasive even when you get to that age but I think something that probably
3:50
a lot of dads struggle with with their daughters which I think we did as well a little bit is kind of that the emotional
3:57
connection part like that emotional need because I had no doubt in my mind that you were there for everything that I
4:03
needed that you were going to protect me that you would protect me from other any other boys so would be any of those
4:09
things but I think we struggled and probably a lot of people do with kind of
4:14
building that connection during especially that like 13 14 period of your life cuz young girls just go
4:21
through so much stuff that I don't think dads have ever experience so it's just simply like how do you as a dad sit and
4:29
whist to the kind of crap your 13-year-old wants to talk about but at 13
4:36
14 especially for me and you like we've always butt heads more but I very much always like I don't know I kind of
4:43
always looked up to you the most and so I wanted so much more that like to feel like you cared and understood about
4:49
those things and not that I didn't feel that you did but I think kind of that's
4:55
one area I think maybe if we had learned a little sooner how to like sit and connect a little
5:03
more on some of those emotional stuff that maybe didn't matter as much to you at the time but for me when you're 14 13
5:10
that's your whole world yeah but I think the nice thing was that even in absence
5:16
of that a little some of that misunderstanding that all that other stuff like I never had any question that
5:23
you were going to be there well yeah so talk to me let's dig into that a little bit so as far as that
Being Present and Showing Interest
5:30
so a 13 14y old girl if they G dads that have daughters out there right now the daughter's not going to come up and say
5:36
Hey Dad I'd really like to have a better loell connection with you and this is how these are some of the things I'm going through and all that but I think
5:43
Dad's myself included I would have I would have done what I needed to do had I known that
5:50
right like so had I had I known that I was missing the boat on that emotional connection cuz I'm not I'm not an
5:56
emotional guy typically like I I am when it comes to Mom movies about
6:02
dogs real dogs real dogs actual dogs but I'm not really I I'm pretty even killed
6:09
right like the the big joke in our family is that you know you can tell Mom something and she'll be jumping up on
6:14
the table X you know screaming how awesome it is and my response is what
6:20
cool right yeah that's pretty much R right like I just don't get and so it's
6:26
not that I'm emotionally stunted or emotionally disconnected it's just I I tend to be pretty even killed and so for
6:33
me having that strength and maintaining that strength was probably uh primarily
6:39
my focus explain to explain to people explain to me what things the 13 and I
6:47
will point out that it's your 10 years removed from that however not much has changed and actually it's probably
6:53
getting harder for 13 14 year olds uh they're going through now but kind of walk me through some of that stuff so
6:59
that in a context of how a dad would be able to be there better emotionally
7:05
available and to be able to approach their daughter to build that connection when the daughter a lot of time is like
7:11
get the crap away from me I don't want thing to do with you um yeah we call it when you know the Heisman Trophy thing
7:18
which is which is like that you know at arms length so walk me through some of that that's a really good question
7:27
Dad no I think the first thing that comes from mind is when I think about when I reflect on the times of like and
7:32
I think for first of all I think every kid's going to be different cuz like the way you connected with Kenzie my older sister and me was also completely but at
7:40
least for me I think the times when I felt most connected to you and for one I
7:45
think the big thing was like having time that was just the two of us that was
7:50
like you were there cuz you wanted to be there not cuz he had to be there so like one thing we actually just did when I
7:56
was here was like our donuts with Dad yeah which is something we started when we were really little but continueed
8:01
that there was a time every 2 weeks that I knew no matter what I was going to get to have time to sit and just talk your
8:08
ear off about whatever I wanted to and no matter what unless you were sick or something you were always there you made
8:15
that time and so and I knew that like that wasn't because you were trapped in your office and I had to sit and just
8:21
talk at you but it was because you said let's go do something this is just for
8:26
me and you I'm going to sit and we're going to talk yeah um so stuff like that or even just I think especially at those
8:33
ages I feel like you just want to know that either of your parents you want to know that they give a crap about the
8:39
stuff that you give a crap about and the reality is they don't but if you can
8:44
pretend so even you know when we would come home from the mall with our new clothes you could care less about what
8:51
we actually bought but I remember we would always come we'd say Dad we're going to do a little fashion show for you and we would go and you would spend
8:58
the 30 minutes or whatever you'd sit there in the bedroom and you probably say cool to every outfit but regardless
9:05
when we walked in the room with our new little outfit you put down phone book whatever you've looked you're like wow
9:12
that that does look good and it was a little thing but that response is so different than like all right cool and
Treating Daughters with Respect and Care
9:19
then like going back to whatever it was like it's just that little bit and I'm sure as a parent when you have a million
9:25
and one things going on it's probably hard to care about Taylor Swift or you know Legos or whatever's going on on Tik
9:34
Tok or those things but by taking the time and those little ways I think that
9:39
consistently help and I'll think on the flip side because we can't grow your ego too much we'll say one thing that I
9:46
think didn't help and then so dad used to always do this thing when I would start talking
9:52
when I would tell my stories and I I was a little wordy as a child you tell some
9:58
of the long stories of all time now this this is not good parenting she's going to describe the exact opposite of good
10:05
parenting but it was warranted and like but so we would talk our kitchen is right next to his office and I'd start a
10:11
story in the kitchen and it'd go on for a long time and when the story started to get too long he would take his hand
10:17
and start doing this which was like the director's signal for like it's time to round it up he'd start doing that then
10:23
he'd start walking over to his office and when he crossed the threshold between the kitchen in the office once
10:30
that last foot was on the carpet your story was done there was no further
10:36
storytelling now granted good parenting I learned to tell shorter stories bad
10:42
parenting sometimes dad didn't listen yeah that's that's true I have a I have
10:47
a short attention span you tell very long stories yes so the better approach
10:52
for me would have probably been to say look I only have like five minutes to
10:57
have this conversation so you need to be succinct with this highl yeah I I can't
11:03
I can't spend the next 15 minutes for you tell this yeah now the other side of that is that she should have slowed down
11:10
and been more patient and listen well a few times but I also think like some of our experience is going to be so much
11:16
different because I was very fortunate as a kid to have both you and Mom here all the time so I think I did struggle
11:23
to Gras I struggled to grasp the concept that you had a job to be honest because in my perspective you kind of just
11:30
played on the computer all day in your office and hung out with the dogs so why would you not have time to listen to my
11:36
story about someone in my sixth grade class that feels illogical right cuz
11:42
like I've been self-employed for like 25 years I've had my home office the entire time you guys grew up so I was here all
11:48
the time um Michelle mom is the state was a state home still a state home home
11:55
Homemaker but um yeah so we were here all the time and to your perspective you know what was I doing all day right just
12:03
listen to my stories apparently play on on the computer for sure well I mean that's really good advice and I think
12:09
the D daddy uh dad donuts with dad's thing is a great example um and we
12:16
should have done more of those things but if it's not Donuts it could be shooting Hoops with your with your kid
12:22
and this is Dad you know we're talking about daughters right now but with sons too but shooting Hoops but it's different I think so you need to have an
12:28
opport to have that emotional connection not just a physical connection which you can
12:34
be kind of gender specific and say boys tend to like the more physicality part of it girls tend to like more the
12:40
emotional connection especially when they're you know pre-teens teens and Beyond um so I think there's tons of
12:47
opportunities to do that one of the things I think you and I did and we went to you know there's a picture right over
12:52
there when we took the little daddy daughter dance thing but I think that one of the things I've tried to teach
12:58
you and we've talked about about this on the podcast before is kind of that dating aspect and how how you know doing
13:05
that like you know going and going on dates with your daughter to show her that kind of stuff I don't know if that
13:10
was valuable or oh absolutely and I think that's more of a representation of
13:16
just like how does just say yeah what does it look like when a man cares about
13:21
J in your life and that can be any male friend partner dad cooworker whatever
13:27
but just because men and women do tend to show care and affection differently so that is very common like cuz I think
13:34
I've even had like even with my crew boyfriend he works quite a bit and so and also again kind of works very
Setting a Baseline for Relationships
13:40
similarly and so I see that reflected very similarly that that I remember feeling the most cared for when you said
13:47
I'm going to put down my work we're going to leave the house and go do something together or even if it was at the house this is the time when work is
13:54
done I'm not going to be on my phone and doing this and spending time with you you know kind of separate in those out
13:59
was times when I felt most like oh like he's excited to be here he wants to be here and even now as an adult I see that
14:05
reflected in like when Jonathan puts down his work and says okay work time done now we're going to go on a date now
14:11
we're going to do something and so I think like if and honestly I think you did a really good job with that like as
14:17
much as you did work you always found a way to structure your work so that you still had time for us and so like going
14:23
on those little dates and stuff I think it was just really the message that like it's important that someone who cares for you makes time for you regardless of
14:31
how busy they are right you know and that was kind of the Baseline message and aside from that there's all the will stuff of just like you know we kind of
14:38
like some of the more some of the more traditional like you know opening the car doors and you know th just those
14:45
kind of little things and I'll say I definitely from the dating side did not
14:51
always follow that when dating certain people but I will say that your example
14:57
how you treated mom and how you treat us is what allowed me to recognize that when hopefully the Jonathan's pretty
15:03
great I think I found a pretty great partner and I was able to recognize that very quickly when I saw it because it was a direct reflection of you well and
15:11
you you know I've talked to ex on the podcast a couple times about this text that you sent me for Father's Day right
15:16
and I think that I want you to talk a little bit about that because I think one of the things we talk a lot about on
15:22
the podcast is this you know treating your cherishing your wife right like I
15:28
talk a lot about cherishing her respecting her doing things for her and there's this whole weird dichotomy now
15:34
between like if I if I open the car door for it does that mean she's weak well no it doesn't it means I respect her enough
15:40
yeah and I want to give her that and I think you know like you just kind of alluded to you've gone through a series
15:46
of guys that are not necessarily the same standards that I would set for my own life let's say that
15:53
but when you started to describe your current relationship you know his mother taught him to open doors for women you
15:59
know he's very respectful and takes care of things and and all that and so I made
16:05
the joke and I said it's great that you finally have a man that you're dating because in my mind obviously
16:11
that's my definition and we talked a little about different definitions but in my mind like that care it's not about
16:17
masculinity or physicality or anything like that but it's about how he treats you talk to me a little bit about that
16:24
and about how the way that I treated Mom good or bad kind of shape the way that
16:29
you see your own relationships well I think it's very well reflected in the idea that you do those things for Mom
16:38
just like Jonathan does those things for me because you care and because you want
16:43
to and it's an expression of love and not because you don't think she can and
16:49
for johnan also not because he doesn't think I can I think you know that's a much broader conversation but just how
16:56
um how important I think it is that you that's kind of coupled with like and I think same for dads and daughters
The Impact of Parental Example
17:02
allowing your daughters to feel empowered but also saying like I know you can but I'm also going to do it for
17:08
you because I want to because I care for you not because you're not able so same
17:14
with our relationships you know you taught us how to do all sorts of stuff we know how to change a tire all that stuff and I've never had to change one
17:21
because I've always had someone you or a man or someone else in my life or even my
17:26
sister cared for me and did it for me instead um but I think that was consistently reflected with like not
17:33
only did have I seen you do all those things for Mom like all those traditional like gentlemanly things
17:38
which are just acts of love and caring but the bigger impact is how much we
17:44
we've heard you talk up mom on The Daily you're always telling her what a badass she is she's in your phone as my hot
17:51
wife actually hot wife smoke show wow it's
17:57
up but like I've just in 24 years I have never heard you say a single disparaging
18:04
thing about mom around her or not around her yeah and I've also and it's just and even how
18:11
you talk about other women and I see you do the you do the same things within uh
18:17
within respect to things like opening doors and um you know that kind of just
18:22
similar stuff you do those things for other women too because that's just something you do out of respect and
18:29
you're not doing it to get something I think that's something important too um and so it's just like those little
18:35
things but how you treated mom and the time you took for her and the priority
18:40
you put to her and I think most importantly how you spoke about her when she wasn't around is something that's
18:47
kids are very aware of and I knew even when I was in relationships that weren't
18:53
right for me even if they were with decent guys I didn't necessarily know that they weren't right for me at the
18:59
time but I could tell and was like it's not quite right what it should be and I couldn't put my finger on it until I met
19:06
Jonathan and I unmute it was like there's been so many little things and he's amazing in his own capacity and
19:12
their ways he's definitely not like you that appeals to me a little bit more and uh but there a lot of in those similar
19:19
veins like there were so many little things I was like like oh the only other guy in my life that's ever consistently
19:24
opened a car door um or that has ever talked about me this way or that I've
19:29
ever seen treat a woman this way so in ways that you treated Mom it's like oh that's my dad like that's so something my dad would do and that was a green
19:36
flag and that was something that was positive because of how awesome your guys relationship were so that was something I recognized it when I saw it
19:44
but just CU you did those things right doesn't mean your daughters are going to listen to you for at least a
19:50
decade well I'm I'm getting I'm getting smarter as things progress right as you get older I get smarter I think maybe a
19:56
little bit not me but you know I think the setting that
20:02
the the important thing I think is a dad and we have different relationships with sons I have two daughters so I have
20:07
never raised a son but yeah for all everybody involved God knew I needed
The Importance of the Parental Relationship
20:13
daughters let me just say that but I think setting that Baseline that Baseline standard for what that
20:19
relationship looks like and I think a lot of times you know we're getting ready to do this marriage Workshop
20:25
coming up pretty soon um but I think what a lot of men Miss in their
20:30
relationship with their spouse is how important that sets the tone for the entire family right that that really
20:39
sets the Baseline not only for that um security right you made the statement that you always knew that M and I were
20:46
solid yeah right so having that having that solid Baseline but but but then
20:51
showing you kind of hey this is what it can look like yeah so as you're going through these relationships that don't
20:57
necessarily measure up or not necessarily right for you like how does how do you reconcile that like what is
21:02
your thought process as a young woman and you know you and I had a very Frank
21:08
conversation with um early on in a relationship right where you where you
21:14
more than one where you were like Hey Dad this is not necessarily this is the situation yeah and then you said what do
21:21
you think and I go do you really want to know what I think which I thought was
21:26
respectful but and then I told you exactly what I thought and you did the exact opposite anyway which is tends to
21:32
be what young women do or kids do right so but how did like in your mind how do
21:38
you reconcile and obviously we all go through different relationships differently and approach those thing but how do you reconcile as you're going
21:45
through these relationships to say I know it's not quite there but I'm going
21:51
to stick around and and try to make it work anyway you know this is kind of good fod for for dads trying to
21:58
give you know you can't really give dating advice to your daughter but you can kind of give this perspective so I'm
22:04
wondering if that might help somebody out there I think for me one I just as a
22:09
person am very well I will say that in a good way I got to see a lot of both you
22:17
guys and a lot of other couples married adults in my life grow up like I knew virtually know and that was divorc we just grew up in a community but that
22:24
wasn't something we saw a lot so in a good way I had an early commitment to
22:30
what it meant to be in a partnership and I've always taken dating very seriously probably in some way more seriously than
22:36
I should have from an early age so I think for me um that was a good thing and I think will be very positive in the
22:42
right relationship that wasn't the most positive in the ROM relationship because I think we heard a lot from you guys
22:48
just about kind of the importance of that like taking it seriously which is a very positive thing but I don't think I
22:54
learned a lot about what an unhealthy relationship looks like like what abuse of relationships look like you know just
Helping Daughters Navigate Relationships
23:00
what it feels like when you're not with the right person so I had such this positive mentality and this like big
23:05
commitment to staying with a partner and so I actually ended up staying with in relationships way longer than I should
23:11
have CU I had this almost like marriage level commitment and like Drive Within
23:16
Myself for a relationship to pretty much anyone I dated seriously regardless of
23:22
whether was the right thing so I think that was almost one disadvantage was seeing so many positive Rel ship and we
23:28
only ever really talked about the good right we talked a lot about this is what it looks like when someone treats you
23:34
well yada yada and I'd say the people that I not all but most of the people that I dated seriously had some emblem
23:42
of that you know I wasn't dating just well maybe once twice I wasn't dating total pieces of crap yeah across the
23:47
board and so there were some Emin last time I was like oh I see this good thing in them that does reflect this good
23:53
thing that I've seen before that I would want in a long-term relationship so and and I know long to relationships do have
24:00
ups and downs so why would I not stay in this relationship because why would I just give up on this person when we could work through these things and that
24:08
I think is a healthy perspective when you're with the right person but I think I would have really benefited from some
24:16
more um I don't know education cuz not really representation is right but just
24:21
more education on those things like what does it look like when it's wrong and
24:26
you know what should you look out for and like how do you I don't know I don't really know I don't know how you would
24:31
learn those things most people learn by experience right but for me that's where I just held on because I saw so many
24:37
positive relationships that I kind of just had this idea that you can work through anything if you're both
24:43
committed which I guess is true but in most of those eyes well I think yeah I mean I think it's it's making that distinction I wish that we've made the
24:50
distinction between because we've had this discussion it's like hey you know so and so and I are going to go to
24:56
counseling I'm like because been dating for like seven months yeah like making the distinction between that stick
25:03
tutiven and that commitment in a marriage yeah versus a dating relationship that is or isn't
25:10
necessarily going to lead to marriage right and so I think being able to make that distinction probably would have
25:15
been more helpful and honestly I don't really know how to do that other than having the conversations because if you're if you're doing a great job of
25:22
working through marriage issues and you have a really strong great marriage it's
25:27
kind of ironic that you would think that that's nothing but a positive message but it actually can be like a
25:34
reinforcing this stick toi ofen this for lack of a better term that you stay in a relationship whether or not you didn't
25:40
really need to stay in the relationship well I think in the terms of dads and daughters and I mean just parents and
25:45
daughters across the board I think something that may have helped for me is
25:51
if I had felt a little more like you guys wanted me to do what was right for
25:57
me not just what you thought was right right because I think that kind of and it depends on the kid I'm kind of a
26:03
little bit um I know if rebellious is the right word but I kind of have a
26:08
little bit of a stron headedness to me and I think for a long time I felt very
26:13
much like there is only from you guys that there was only one right way there's only one type of guy we want you
26:20
to date there's only you know they have to it took you like 10 years to find that guy yeah that's begrudging
26:26
begrudgingly you like this one but you know so when when you were calling me
26:31
and saying oh I don't like this guy for XYZ I I think in those times I don't
26:39
feel like I heard are you happy right is he treating you well do you see a future
Encouraging Independence and Decision-Making
26:46
with this person I don't think I heard a lot of questions from you guys as to how I felt I think I heard a lot of input as
26:54
to why you know he doesn't do XYZ or or he doesn't believe XYZ that we believe
26:59
or that he doesn't do this and although those were genuine concerns and those probably did apply to my situation when
27:06
it comes from as a kid hearing it from your parents the message I was hearing was oh this guy just isn't what my
27:13
parents want for me great but what why is it my responsibility to do what they
27:18
want for me right but if I had heard I think if it had been posing a question if you had sat down like does it really
27:24
make you happy the way the Situation's working and I may have tried to argue my way out of it but that one would have
27:30
been helped me do a little bit of my own thinking so you kind of you could have tricked me a little bit into thinking
27:35
for myself and that would have maybe helped me not do so much of the rebellious part of things and then I
27:42
also think I would have more genuinely felt like you guys were saying that cuz even though I know in the grand SCH
27:48
things as an adult I know everything you said was because you cared but at the time it felt a lot more like you guys
27:55
just wanted me to do what you wanted me to do because it fit your definition of what was right but if I heard things in
28:01
a little bit a different way and if it had really been emphasized we care about what makes you happy even if it's not
28:08
what we agree with which may not totally be true but if it had been kind of framed that way I think I would have
28:14
been more receptive because everything you said was right don't repeat that but everything
28:20
you said was right about the people that I dated and they weren't right for me but I wasn't receptive to hear it in
28:26
that way which is which is ironic cuz with the the one in in question we were talking about that was a situation where
28:32
you you actually told me all your feelings and I asked hey are you emotionally fulfilled in this relationship are you doing these things
28:39
and so uh and and then you sarily ignored what we talked about well we
28:45
didn't have that conversation until probably two years yeah it was like a year and a half in and then what I'm
28:51
interested in is wondering whether or not even though you asked for that input and I gave you what really was not it
28:57
was probably mixed with my opinion as well as hey this is like I don't from
29:03
everything you're saying this is not meaning your emotional needs and I don't foresee it like I don't see a path for
29:09
it to do so yeah so how do we how do we do that but but yeah it's uh all that to
29:15
say you know Dad's out there parents out there when you're talking to your kid it's a complete moving Target right like
29:21
it's it's it really is trying to ex um gather that information figure out how
29:26
you feel will realize that there is going to be a rebellious sign in that and and kind of
29:33
because my parents said this I'm going to did the exact opposite and or whatever but actually to your point
29:38
mentioning that conversation and the subsequent many others those it may have seemed to you like that was a futile
29:45
conversation she's not listening to crap I say anyways but those were some of the most helpful conversations for me
29:52
because that's stuff I actually listened to and it may not have seemed like it cuz all I'm going to do is you know and
29:58
with me and you I'm going to try to stay face with you every time because we're really similar and I don't ever want you
30:03
to be right just naturally T just how it's going to be and so I'm going to argue
30:08
with you a lot about that because that's how it works but those conversations were the most helpful and is what really
30:16
allowed me to start that process on my own of thinking through like oh am I
30:22
emotionally silness like and I really in that relationship we're talking about I started because those conversations and
30:28
other things I started thinking about things from a long-term relationship perspective that I had never really
30:33
considered before those other questions used to be much more shallow when I was evaluating relationships and it started
30:39
to help me evaluate them more deeply and on a parental side of things the biggest
30:44
thing in all of that was that no matter how many times to your Chagrin I came to you and asked you those questions or had
30:51
those exact same conversations repeatedly you and Mom were still there
30:57
we're still answering the same questions having the same round amount of conversations repeatedly as many times
31:02
as I needed for it to have the resolution that it did but that was way
31:08
more important like because you know for parents like your kids's going to go through crap whether you want them to or
31:14
not right there's no magical words you're going to say that it's going to make them make the choice you think they should make or even make the right
31:20
choice for themselves they still have to go through their process but I think that strengthened our relationship a lot
31:26
but no matter what I knew like and that was kind of that we talked about earlier maybe as a kid I
31:31
knew more that you were there for that protective side the Practical side whatever but not some much the emotional
31:37
side whereas you continually answering the phone and not getting annoyed with me and agreeing to answer my questions
31:44
no matter what that strengthened that emotional side of things and that also helped to give another representation of
31:52
this man in my life my dad who loves and cares for me will sit and listen to me right on these things
31:57
maybe relation with a who for me isn't doing that that doesn't line up and that
32:05
helps as well so yeah I mean I was in you know with that particular conversation that we've had and
32:10
subsequent others I tried to be very deliberate to ask you questions that would be more about you because I tend
32:19
like you I tend to this is my opinion this is right and wrong this is black and white this is what you should do you
32:26
know kind of thing and I have to battle against that to not be that way I think a lot of guys dads guys in general but
32:33
dads especially want to be right you know I'm 51 years old I've been around
32:39
the block I've made these mistakes so it's my job as a dad to help you not
32:44
make those mistakes which is true NE not necessarily true can be somewhat true
32:50
but the way to do that is more of how do I expose your your feelings and your
32:56
desires and your needs means to you in a way that you then can can make you know
33:02
make your own choices and obviously there's going to be consequences to choices they have so for sure so that
33:08
that's good so let me go back to the 13 and 14 year old daughter what kind of things like and
33:15
and I want to go to different I want to go from there to like right around graduating to like our adult
Being There and Allowing Space
33:20
relationship now what advice would you give to dads in dealing with these and
33:25
even before that whether let's say pre-teen to 14 you know kind of what what can you tell dads about daughters
33:32
in particular the hard question good luck I'm so sorry for you um no I mean I
33:40
think in those younger years I think the things that were most important was just the being there being available like
33:46
showing up when you could um and for the little things like you let us pay your
33:51
toenails you shut up to do playtime with us for certain things like the daddy daughter dance and donuts with Dad like
33:58
you were there for all those things and I also understand that not every parent can be there for all those things
34:05
because life and we were fortunate that you were able to work from home that g more schedule availability um but I mean
34:11
I think even parents who work more and those things like you can if you listen to your kids you'll know what's really
34:16
important to them and you never missed anything that was really important to us like I can't think of a single thing
34:22
that you weren't there for um so all those little things were important the
34:28
yeah a little bit of plating to what we liked even if you didn't like it um but just kind of like yeah like making your
34:33
kid feel and you did make us but making them feel like they matter and like I
34:38
think little girls in particular like you just want to feel like you're the LIE of everyone's life at least for me that's I just wanted to be the star as
34:45
the baby the baby for sure as the baby I wanted to be the shiny star and a b like and kind of being allowed to feel that
34:52
way and not being rushed away those moments were where it felt the best right um and then I think kind of in that
35:02
pre-teen teen AG parents obviously have already been through all that they know nothing
35:09
you're talking about is nearly as big of a deal as you seem to think it is but
35:14
again some of that like they're like your kids experiencing every all this stuff for the first time
35:20
like you maybe as an adult been through a bunch of heartbreaks you know that 13-year-old boys don't matter
35:28
but like your child does not know that and R feel like their world is crumbling and being there and treating them as
35:35
like that's real for them like this is probably the worst thing they've ever experienced so give them the love and
35:42
care and time and attention as if it is the worst thing they've ever experienced and you know if your kid doesn't want to
35:48
talk to you don't make them talk to you give them that space show them you recognize they're their own person they
35:54
may need time and but by you know that work of creating that relationship started by being married when they were
36:01
a kid being available consistently says that even when I'm a pissed off teenager
36:06
and I don't want to talk to my dad I know in the back of my head he's there if I do want to talk to him that that
36:12
choice is mine not because he's not available youo and so then you kind of work that way but yeah I think just
36:19
still making time for those things and I think kind of that graduation into young
36:25
adult I think ah that was very hard that was hard period but I think just that re
36:34
reaffirmation or encouragement of like you are your own person you can make
Transitioning to an Adult Relationship
36:39
your own decisions and like focusing on building that adult relationship cuz I know a lot of I have a lot of friends
36:46
even now that are in their 20s whose parents still treat them as though they're at home and not for a bad reason
36:54
the parents do have a lot of good things to say but I think you guys did a very we kind of were like the mama bird that
37:00
just beets their kid out of the bird nest it's like fly um but you know
37:07
just kind of like giving them that push in the space to kind of find themselves
37:12
like I think one of the best things you and Mom had seen a therapist years ago
37:17
who we were kind of trying to decide if you wanted to be in Montana and they had basically encouraged you to stay for
37:24
like 5 years while Kenzie and I were training transitioning into our new lives and kind of be that launching pad
37:30
for us into the gon and you guys did and you committed to that and just kind of nothing else changed about you guys or
37:38
Mom and Dad or life here so when your kids 18 19 2021 and everything in life
37:44
is changing but the parents made the sacrifice of not changing anything big
37:49
staying in the same house like those things which isn't always possible yeah but that decision on your guys' part was
37:55
huge for us because when things happened I knew that nothing was changed to here like I could come back home if I wanted
38:02
to like if I had moved to Atlanta nothing worked but out I could have moved back home and had a place to stay
38:07
you know those things and so that gave a lot of comfort and security cuz I mean
38:12
you know nothing you say your kid is going to change what they're going to do on their own in that time but like just
38:18
being there and having already developed that relationship for them to know yeah that they can rely on you yeah I think
38:24
that's important cuz and I've told this to younger parents too which I my wife made me stop telling younger parents
38:29
this but like ultimately and we were just talking about this you met with a teenager today who is going through some
38:36
of these issues right and and ultimately your
38:42
actions have very little realtime logistical effect on the behavior of
38:49
your kid yeah right like it but it can have long term right like that's the thing that as you guys become adults
38:55
that I'm now started to realize because when you've got young teenagers pre-teens 16 17 year olds you're like
39:02
this sucks and it's going to suck forever right like I I joke the joke I
39:07
always tell is like God made teenagers in such a way that they you want them to leave home as much as they want to leave
39:15
home because it's just like it's hard so any dad that's out there right now that's listening to this that's going
39:22
through this there is hope at the end of the rainbow stick to what you've what you're doing if you're not doing the
39:28
things that we're talking about continue to do that and to be that launching pad that that launching pad statement was
39:34
amazing for us because we never really thought about it we were going through a time when uh a huge hatred of winter we
39:41
live in a place that has winter seven months out of the year and all that kind of stuff we didn't really know what we were going to do but that that
39:47
discussion helped with part of the Epiphany that I went through one thing I will also say is if you send your
39:53
pre-teen and teenager early teenager to a foreign country for a length of time that also can help your help your uh
40:00
your relationship as well I strongly agree so faith faith went to Costa Rica for two different Sten of 12 weeks so
40:08
you're there for six months to learn Spanish had 15 and 17 15 and 17 which
40:13
was actually part of you know we had done this sort of Say Yes To Life thing
40:19
yes and and so I think that was really good for you to be able to do that and to establish that you know the Launchpad
40:27
right like you were going to come back home but you got to go out and experience something we would talk to you not even daily like a few times a
40:34
week maybe you know this was pre FaceTime so we didn't really have that yeah going on or we did a little bit
40:41
going on but that I feel like that that was part of that you know yeting out of the nest hug kind of a thing right yeah
40:48
that was I mean that was huge for my Independence my growth as a person I I matured a lot by getting to do that um
40:56
and I think just kind of that whole say yes thing has been a big thing for us
41:01
because I don't remember virtually ever coming and you we always joke that I
41:06
have a new life plan every week because I'm a big dreamer like you and I'm just constantly coming up with new things I
41:12
would love to do with my life and especially as a teenager that was very rampant yeah but every single time I
41:17
came to gu with some sort of big dream we would sit around in the kitchen we'd talk for 5 hours about Faith's New Life
41:25
Plan I always did my research I had all the stats this is what I want to do this is why I'm going to do I did the same thing with Costa Rica and you guys
41:32
listened and your response was the mom was typically in distress and your
41:37
response though was typically like all right like Hi here's let me call let me call somebody let me get my contacts
41:43
we're going to make it happen for you and I think it was again kind of an example of that reaffirming like and
41:50
even to the state like even if you don't agree with it in those aspects I knew that you were never going to discourage me from the Stu I want to do and that
41:57
started with like you know like most kids couldn't go to their parents and say I'd love to go to Costa Rica by
42:03
myself at 15 and go study Spanish and live with some strangers I understand why most parents may not agree with that
42:10
but you guys did you said yes it was incredible that really launched a lot of my other adventurousness and they gave
42:16
me a lot of confidence all those things but across the board like I would say cuz you kind of think about when kids
42:22
are younger I really think that's your time to and I'm not parent so don't listen at me I to say about R and kids
42:28
cuz I'm that's all going to Bing the ass in a few years but like when kids are younger like that's kind of your time to
42:34
tell them what you think is right right but then when kids are like teachers
42:39
they no longer want to hear what you think but that's your time to kind of show them that like you're there for
42:46
them right it's like well you not going to let your seven-year-old start making their own decisions and be like okay just call me if anything goes wrong like
42:53
that's not how it works they don't have the capacity to think about that yet but like by the time your kid's a teenager
42:59
you've probably repeatedly told them things you've taught them values you've taught them things like don't drink and
43:05
drive right now they're a teenager they know all that stuff but that's
43:10
functionally that's the time in you're life for everybody where and you start testing boundaries right and that's kind
43:16
of your time to not just break them with stuff as much as sometimes you may want or need
43:21
to but that's your time to show them I'm here if you need me yeah but I'mma let
43:27
you I'm loosen the rains a little I'mma let you experience things and that's what you did with me like I not to
43:33
experience some things I did some stupid stuff did some great stuff but regardless y'all were y'all were still
43:40
there so I did some stuff wrong gone troubled for some stuff but still you were there but I wouldn't have even
43:45
experienced like if I had never experienced some stupid stuff because you guys let me go free a little then I
43:52
would have moved out on my own and done way worse stuff yeah because I had no no understanding of that so anyway that
43:59
well it's a it's a hard balance because you go back to well my kid's going to drink anyway so I'm going to have up keger for my for my teenage no don't do
44:07
that that's stupid don't do that don't do that well like you had already by the time you went to Costa Rica you had already been to PTO Rico and and Nepal
44:13
both uhal was between wasal between cuz if you went 17 yes cuz I did Puerto Rico
44:22
at 12 and then I did Costa Rica then I did no no I did Puerto Rico then
44:29
Nicaragua okay then Costa Rica then I did Nepal right like weeks before I left
44:34
for Costa Rica the second time wow yeah so I did all that before I had even turned 17 yeah which was a I mean
44:41
awesome just highly recommend if your kids annoying you I suggest you look up
44:47
whatever country of a language that you think they should learn to speak just send them over
44:53
there and we it was what's it called Caan immersion Stanish Academy in uh T
45:03
Costa Rica highly recommend if you want to send your kids somewhere I'll stitch them here there you go and faith is
45:10
trilingual English Spanish like like a native speaker and ASL because you're
45:17
you're definit one here so you had that and again like kind of goes back to you weren't the greatest homeschool student
45:24
there were things that you liked and didn't like but one of the one of the motivating factors for Costa Rica was
45:29
that she has an affinity for language this seems really interesting let's go have her do this and I mean it's paid
45:36
off now as a paramedic in Atlanta you you're Spanish pretty much every day right or multiple times a week I would
45:42
guess and so yeah being able to say yes to that one of the things I really like is that now what our our relationship is
45:49
now transitioning more to an adult friendship relationship and obviously it's it's always going to be dad and
45:56
daughter I'm I'm trying to transition more in that faith and I have a lot of conversations that drive her mom nuts
46:03
because we tend to be more debating um friendly debate kind of a thing but um
46:10
what how does that transition been for you to transition into this adult
46:15
relationship I it's hard in some ways CU I think I've got there's still that part of me that's kind of that hardheadedness
46:22
of like I don't want you to be right about anything so that's the part I have't really I haven't really ironed
46:28
out yet of like oh we're both just adults talking about things you have nothing to prove but I think for me I
46:35
mean in some capacity is cuz I respect you so much and I obviously I love Mom I
46:40
highly value mom's opion in me as well but you and I have just always had a relationship where like we fight so much
46:46
because I respect you and value your opinion trly above pre much anyone else in my life and but for that that's
Transitioning to an Adult-Child Relationship
46:53
probably a mistake but appr that but for that reason I think I still have that
46:58
that part of the transition is still a little harder and I think you know honestly most people have that with their parents even if you're in your 40s
47:06
you know um so I think that part's been a little hard still but for the most part I mean that transition has been
47:11
super helpful because it's allowed me to feel more free to talk about my life as it is and be able to share more of
47:19
myself in my life with you guys rather than talking my about my life as I want you to hear it because you're my parents
47:25
and I don't want to dis pointing to you but being able to talk about it more and like this is what I'm doing you may not
47:30
love all of it but at least you guys have accepted more of that friendship role in some ways so that instead of
47:38
educating me on what you do and don't like about my life you're able to hear it and that allows us to have more of an open relationship because if we were
47:44
still kind of in that well we don't think you should do this and we think you should do that which is more of the parental which I mean you're still my
47:50
parents are still going to get some of that but that would make me feel like I can't share as much of my life with you
47:57
and then we'd both be really missing out on a lot so I think it's been a fun transition cuz then we get to be more
48:02
open and honest with each other and it's not as high volatility as maybe it used
48:08
to be yeah and honestly with this podcast one of the things we've talked about is I've been able to talk to so many different people and I've grown
Open and Honest Communication
48:15
actually in the last year just as a result of some of these conversations which helps me to be more open and
48:21
honest with you as well and I will say that when you're kids get to be adults and they move away to go kind of do
48:28
their own thing there is a certain comfort for the parents in not knowing
48:34
everything right like that you know if your kids happen to live in your house or they live in the same town and you're
48:40
intimately aware of everything they're doing there is kind of a nice thing of
48:45
like go live your life and I I understand different economies different family Dynamics all those kind of things
48:51
if they live in the house and may it may be for a good thing but having that distance actually helps both with you
48:57
with your sister it's like well they can go have their own lives but we're still involved like we talk several times a
49:02
week and you know FaceTime all the time and all that and so that's that's something that I really value and it's been great so yeah me too it's been fun
Maintaining Distance and Connection
49:09
this has been awesome I appreciate you taking the time I hope so I'm sure some dads will and daughters maybe you can
49:14
you know if you if you like this episode take an opportunity and listen to you know listen to it with your daughter and
49:21
you know listen to it with your kids get her opinion on what's been said said maybe open some conversations so I think
49:28
this is a this is really valuable help well thanks for Colorado yeah thanks for all you all right love you babe love you too all
49:35
right guys thanks very much have a good day bye if you're looking to really maximize your life and become the man
49:42
you were made to be head over to maxed out man.com and get your journey started
49:48
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