Episode 51 - Taking Action to Create Balance - Brian Anderson

The conversation explores the themes of recognizing signs, following a path, balancing achievement and autonomy in parenting, breaking the cycle, redefining success, taking an entrepreneurial approach to parenting, being present, setting expectations, navigating extremes of parenting styles, finding balance, expanding narratives of fatherhood in society, teaching dads to find balance and prepare mentally, and challenging societal expectations and building supportive communities. 

In this conversation, Brian Anderson discusses the importance of creating a community for dads and challenging gender stereotypes. He emphasizes the need to balance masculinity and vulnerability. Brian also highlights the importance of exposing children to a variety of opportunities and building a supportive community. He shares insights on teaching daughters about masculinity and being a role model of good manhood. Brian encourages actions that speak louder than words and avoiding assumptions and rash decisions.

Takeaways

• Recognize signs and follow your path in life.
• Balance achievement and autonomy in parenting.
• Break the cycle and redefine success for your children.
• Take an entrepreneurial approach to parenting and education.
• Be present and allow autonomy for your children.
• Set expectations and balance independence.
• Navigate the extremes of parenting styles.
• Find balance and be adaptable like water.
• Expand narratives of fatherhood in society.
• Teach dads to find balance and prepare mentally.
• Challenge societal expectations and build supportive communities. 
• Balancing masculinity and vulnerability is essential for healthy fatherhood.
• Exposing children to a variety of opportunities helps them develop diverse skills and interests.
• Being a role model of good manhood involves living a connected dad life and avoiding assumptions and rash decisions.

Fatheringtogether.org

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Personal Journeys

03:00 Recognizing Signs and Following a Path

06:00 Balancing Achievement and Autonomy in Parenting

09:00 Breaking the Cycle and Redefining Success

12:00 Taking an Entrepreneurial Approach to Parenting

15:00 Being Present and Allowing Autonomy

18:00 Setting Expectations and Balancing Independence

21:00 Navigating the Extremes of Parenting Styles

24:00 Finding Balance and Being Like Water

28:00 Expanding Narratives of Fatherhood in Society

31:00 Teaching Dads to Find Balance and Prepare Mentally

35:00 Challenging Societal Expectations and Building Supportive Communities

37:38 Creating Community for Dads

38:28 Challenging Gender Stereotypes

39:24 Balancing Masculinity and Vulnerability

40:04 Expanding Traditional Gender Roles

41:23 Breaking Free from Confined and Incomplete Masculinity

42:18 Encouraging Diverse Interests and Activities

43:14 Exposing Children to a Variety of Opportunities

44:43 Building a Supportive Community

46:00 Sharing Skills and Knowledge

47:33 Embracing the Power of Community

48:57 Avoiding Stereotypes and Embracing Diversity

52:54 Teaching Daughters about Masculinity

53:29 Being a Role Model of Good Manhood

54:26 Living a Connected Dad Life

58:10 Actions Speak Louder Than Words

59:31 Avoiding Assumptions and Rash Decisions

To learn more about Maxed Out Man and to maximize your potential, visit www.maxedoutman.com or connect with us on Social Media:

Facebook
Instagram
TikTok

Transcript

0:00
Welcome to maxed out man helping you
0:06
become the man you were made to [Music]
0:12
be hey guys this is Kevin Davis from the max out man podcast I am here with Brian
0:17
Anderson I'm going to read some of his bio here Brian's the director and uh Foundation relations for IC Stars whose
0:24
mission is to launch careers for young adults in underresourced and marginalized communities he was also the
0:30
co-founder and executive director of fathering together which builds communities for dads to share resources
0:36
and stories so they can be emotionally courageous connected and committed to their families he now serves as the
0:43
president of their board of directors as a husband and father he works continuously to educate himself to be an
0:49
advocate for his children so they can find their own voice and I should fail
0:54
to Mission I am Kevin Davis so this is the max evman podcast thanks for joining us uh hey Brian thanks for coming on
0:59
board I appreciate it yeah thanks for having me excited to be here y um what I usually ask is just the kind of the
1:05
backstory how you got here kind of your journey through all of this stuff and then you know I want to talk fatherhood
1:12
and masculinity and do raising daughters and marriage and pretty much everything else you want to talk about yeah happy
1:18
to cover everything um but to answer your first question uh you know I woke up this morning and came downstairs and
1:25
that's how I got to the podcast and I feel like every day there's a sign
1:31
whether that's God or the universe some sort of energy pushing me in the direction I need to go and and it's up
1:36
to me to listen to that right it's up to me to catch the signs for my wife my children you know the the expectations
1:42
at work obligations I have but uh I'm I'm truly a believer that you know the doors that open on your journey are ones
1:50
you should walk through doesn't mean they're going to be easy doors to walk through right there's always going to be trials and tribulations we face but
1:56
every time we slam our heads against a wall or a closed door I think of that as a sign to say maybe this isn't the right
2:02
path maybe there's something else you should be following uh to get to the next stage of your Evolution or or your
2:08
dreams and that's kind of you know how I I got to fathering together it's how I got to my current job with IC Stars uh I
2:15
I I saw the signs and and I saw where there were needs that that my skills could meet and and I stepped up and said
2:21
hey I volunteers tribute so to speak nice and so how do those like how would
2:27
you define those signs like for uh you know I'm I'm a I'm a Christian and so I would say hey God kind of G guiding my
2:33
path and uh listening to him and in my case whether you want to call it whatever you you decide to call it I am
2:42
stubborn and usually say hey this is my way so if you know from my faith
2:48
standpoint hey God if you want to come along and make sure this help you know this goes well that that'd be great but
2:54
so what how do you how did you get LED what what signs do you have and you have two daughters right right yep married
Recognizing Signs and Following a Path
3:01
with two daughters I have two daughters myself mine are quite a bit older than yours um but how did that kind of come
3:07
to fruition and what kind of signs are you describing yeah I think you know there's
3:13
some that say that God works in mysterious ways and I think that's true in some cases but God also works in very
3:18
ordinary plain ways right so when your wife is saying hey take out the trash that's a pretty good sign you should
3:23
take out the trash right but in the same token you know I was I was a social worker right out of college trying to
3:29
you know uh address social ills and and help people out in that sort of way and
3:34
and I totally burned out because I didn't have the the mentor or the guidance to to have a balanced life
3:41
right I was pouring myself into work and losing my identity and and I long story short didn't end well and and so I I was
3:48
like what should I do right I was kind of praying to God and saying what's next uh you know this is clearly not my path
3:55
and the next day I had a meeting with someone at a university in the town where I was working and they said hey
4:00
you know we have a position open to help volunteer undergrad students volunteer in the community you have all these
4:06
connections from your social work days would you be interested in this job so that was a good sign right like here I was burning out at the end of my rope
4:12
trying to figure out what's next and God said hey here's this interview that uh you're connecting with let's let's see
4:18
about this and that led to 15 years of working in higher education working with students and leadership development
4:24
helping them find their calling and in that Journey my my you know wife came along my kids came along and so I think
4:31
the through line through all of this was community building and and kind of like servant leadership and supporting others
4:36
achieve their goals right whether that's coaching mentoring what have you and so when when my daughters came along I was
4:43
happily working I didn't Envision fathering together as a full-time job or anything but I needed support I needed
4:50
other dads in my life other than my own uh you know preferably dad's my age and that same journey of fatherhood with
4:58
young kids so I reached out and and started building that community and then
5:03
my friend Chris who's the co-founder fathering together he started a Facebook group and said hey do you want to help me run this and one thing led to another
5:11
and you know I I listened to the energy I answered emails I said yes when opportunities popped up and then said no
5:18
if those were the wrong opportunities as soon as I could uh but you know by saying yes to things by paying attention
5:25
to messages that were coming in both in the ordinary hum drum ways and in those kind of miraculous ways when Facebook
5:31
said hey we'd love to Spotlight your community in this new campaign we're doing would you be interested uh I said
5:37
yes right like free advertising marketing power of Facebook let's let's do this uh you know I mean obviously
5:44
there's a lot of things with Facebook that I don't agree with there's a lot of challenges with Facebook and social media in general but we have a community
5:50
of 127,000 dads around the world and never would I have imagined you know the
5:55
20-year-old version of me the the teenage version of me who is thinking what's my career going to be in life
Balancing Achievement and Autonomy in Parenting
6:01
this was not in my cards by any means at that stage but I said yes along the way I look for those signs yeah yeah yeah
6:08
it's crazy how that happens I'm I just turned or I just turned 51 so to look
6:13
back at that early 20s self my I have two degrees one in business one in exercise physiology and like the path
6:19
I'm doing right now is is not exactly the path that I had envisioned but I can
6:25
see along the way the decisions I've made um the things that I've done kind of put me in a position now to be able
6:31
to serve men you know and and especially now at my age I'm like there's a lot of
6:37
guys that are just not living up to what they could whether it's in marriage or
6:42
the health or their you know Community involvement parenting all of those things so yeah it's crazy how the that
6:49
path happens but and it's the hindsight is great because you can look back and see oh yeah these are those these are
6:55
those Forks these are those diversions this is where I took the wrong path this is where I the right one right yeah well
7:01
and you I'm sure you're the same way as all children are like when we're kids we don't listen to our parents we don't
7:07
think they know what they're talking about because we're young we know what we want we have our passions and Ambitions or whatever and our home owns
7:14
and all the other fun puberty related things but you know I often remind my daughters my job is to help you to keep
7:21
you safe and to create opportunities for you right and and not necessarily in that order and when I tell them no or
7:28
when I say think about this opportunity I have a reason for it right and and by
7:34
being upfront being transparent as much as possible with my daughters it doesn't mean they don't have their tantrum it
7:40
doesn't mean that they still don't have their tween angst and and fighting back and and whatnot but at least it's
7:46
creating a a rhythm to our conversations where they pause and say maybe dad's right on this one or they push back and
7:53
say no dad remember I like doing these things that's not aligned with what I want to do right now and you know
7:59
they're seven and 10 so there the the level of depth to our conversations
8:04
varies right you know I am developmentally appropriate in how I engage them but you know I don't talk
8:10
down to them I don't treat them as newborns anymore I I really want them to have that autonomy and I think that's
8:16
something that my parents did at an early age with me that helped me or helped role model for me a healthier way
8:23
to engage children and help them you know be prepared for the mistakes in their life right rather than
8:29
avoid them completely because we're all going to have those mistakes like you said oh yeah 100% I I have a unique
8:35
experience because I I kind of grew up in a broken home and kind of started raising myself around the time that your
8:40
youngest you know around that time I kind of you know I really didn't have any adult supervision so when I became a
8:46
father first of all I had no idea what the hell I was doing which I don't think any of us really do but no I didn't have
8:52
any role role models and then trying to balance between hey I was basically a little mini adult by the time I was you
8:58
know nine or 10 10 years old that that's probably not the appropriate path for my
Breaking the Cycle and Redefining Success
9:03
kids my kids are 26 and 24 now and uh 25
9:09
and 24 they're 15 months apart and and to your to your point I feel like I get
9:14
I get a little smarter every year as they realize that some of what I'm saying actually might make S sense yep
9:21
yep well and I think you know what you're alluding to earlier where your life isn't where you thought it would be
9:27
um obviously know technology is vastly different from when we were kids and but
9:33
also I think whether you believe in like strength finder and and Myers Briggs and
9:40
those personality tests or not you know I think we all have these inherent um
9:45
leanings or Tendencies towards our skills and gifts and many of us have those skills and gifts that can
9:50
translate across many dimensions career-wise and so to to imagine only one path for you is doing yourself a
9:57
disservice let alone your kids and where I work now IC Stars uh you know it's a
10:02
four-month training program intensive coding and you know backend web design
10:08
all that kind of stuff interns you know basically develop an app in those four weeks and Pitch it to a an a an employee
10:15
or client but they all come in with like well I'm just going to do it Services right or I'm just going to do cyber
10:20
security because those are the two flashy things that everybody knows about in Tech and yet by the time they graduate in four months they're thinking
10:27
all sorts of nuanced positions within some of them are like I can't wait to not be a coder I want to supervisor team
10:34
because now I have the confidence and the leadership skills through the you know running a small group and many of
10:41
them did not have those opportunities like yourself they come from very different backgrounds under resourc the
10:46
dreams were not meant to be big and you know we get to change that for them and
10:53
with our children we you know obviously yes yours are quite a bit older than mine but you probably laid those
10:58
foundations cuz you didn't have that and you wanted to change that you wanted to break that cycle for your daughters and
11:03
and I I commend you immensely so uh yeah thank you for sharing that yeah yeah when you know we kind of took I'm an
11:10
entrepreneur I've worked for myself for over 25 years now and so I always called it taking the entrepreneurial approach
11:15
to life and you know we homeschooled our kids after Fifth and six fourth and fifth grade and I called it the
11:22
entrepreneur entrepreneurial approach to education because it was like hey what path what path does the does the
11:29
government or world or whoever tell us that we have to take and what what diversions can we can we make in that in
11:38
that static path that would be better fit for us I my youngest is she's she's
11:44
not great at science and math she was not great she was not a great quote unquote traditional student but she
11:51
excelled in language and so we sent her to Costa Rica for a total of six months
11:57
when she was 14 15 to go to go to a an immersion school for Spanish so she's
Taking an Entrepreneurial Approach to Parenting
12:04
you know trilingual she speaks English Spanish and she's deaf in one ear so she speaks American Sign Language but we
12:11
tried to take that path now which you know we're not sure if it was the right path uh you know for sure and and to
12:18
push her in that way and and she's a paramedic now so she which means she kind of figured out how to study and and
12:24
all that but to your point with some of these kids that you're talking about you know we I had the she's she's been
12:31
thinking about doing medical school and she's kind of on this Premed path and I asked her the question have you spoken
12:38
to any actual doctors about what it's like to be a physician in today's you
12:44
know crazy crazy terrible Health Care System yes uh because I said and like
12:51
this is your choice this is your path but have you explored that you know have you actually talked to
12:56
Physicians that do this for living and I would guess in your case you're like hey do you want to go do control alt delete
13:03
and reboot people's computers all day in a corporate environment do you want to how how do you how do you like uh small
13:10
dark closets that will be your office right tot yeah well and I think that's
13:16
like I mean I I have multiple Masters because why not I worked at a university
13:21
and got free classes right I took advantage of it but um I I'm definitely a doer right like my dad's a carpenter
13:28
my sister while she has her PhD in building construction design she designs and builds and flips houses and I I just
13:35
come from industrial stock right like I don't have those skills to build anything but I can repair things just
13:41
fine or I can grab the tool my dad needs but or or call him from Home Depot when I'm in a bind right so uh you know but I
13:49
still I'm crafty I I'm always doing my my daughter loves to just be with me and I ask her well what do you want to do
13:55
she's like I just want to sit and read or I just want to sit next to you right she just wants to be around me and a
14:01
great L right right yeah and and I love it and for all of us dads out there we
14:06
don't do enough of it but I I tell her like I don't be very well that's not
14:11
something I I just I'm always wanting to Tinker I'm always wanting to do and when
14:17
I do just be quote unquote I need to be alone like that's my meditative prayerful moments what I do at night
14:23
and and I so that's something I'm working on right like that's something I don't want her to learn like Dad can't
14:29
be present right when I was writing my book one of the dads I spoke to said he
14:34
always had to perform to receive love from his father like at home he never just said he never heard how was your
14:40
day it was always did you excel at this math test or did you make the team or did you do whatever and so he learned he
14:47
had to step up right he always had to be actively engaging in something and that's you know tragic for him like he
14:53
was he broke down in our interview because he didn't want his children to have to perform he just wanted them to
14:59
know they were loved and and I think that's a lot of what our generation
Being Present and Allowing Autonomy
15:04
comes into fatherhood with and what we're kind of deconditioning ourselves to do in in the ways that we can right
15:11
we all have our different skills or whatnot uh experiences but um but whether that is you know ultimately
15:17
learning it in the classroom like we did with our degrees or pursuing a more vocational trades type route I
15:25
think you know the higher heads in a tail spin like the work I do now with IC
15:30
stars is very like tactile and focused and solving a problem like we do in the workforce rather than theoretically
15:37
understand something and then take a test right and so I think we all like the world is too diverse to have only
15:43
one pathway but the more we can highlight that all pathways are can lead
15:48
to success if done correctly the better right especially as dads yeah yeah and it's having that freedom to be able to
15:54
say look this is you know college isn't for everybody this path may make sense for you this path may not make sense for
16:01
you you know back in our day it was literally like where are you going to college not are are you going to college
16:08
right like it was we you didn't there really didn't seem to be a societal choice and I think now with you know all
16:15
the student loan R Ridiculousness and and all the other wacky things that are going on at the higher quote unquote
16:21
higher ed you know it's that that's not necessarily the right path for everybody
16:26
we're heavily involved in the trades just because of some of the things we're in the automotive industry with one of our businesses and you know know a lot
16:33
of welders and Painters and all that so we tend to be more trades and I'm a blue collar guy by by Nature sure um kind of
16:40
like you were saying but you know I so I go down that road I'm curious you made a
16:46
statement about your daughters and and kind of you know that state of being and really understanding not to be um not to
16:55
be so achievement based yeah how do you balance
17:00
between and you know forgive this analogy between like I don't want my daughters living in my basement at
17:07
27 but I also want them to pick a path that works well for them like how how
17:13
does that balance work in your in your own life yeah well I think you know
17:18
achievement oriented we need to make sure that our children know and and I do this with my daughters that achievement
17:23
does not equal financial success right like you can achieve at building a puzzle or figuring out a Lego build
17:30
right at at seven those are high goals great um you can achieve in the classroom by making friends by doing
17:36
well in school listening to teachers right so how do we break down what success looks like and
17:41
achievement yet also making sure that they know that there are expectations
17:46
right like so uh we were just talking this weekend my daughters uh don't clean their rooms very well uh I'm I'll be
17:55
honest I'll be open about it you know we have a messy house sometimes uh but we love to entertain and we have friends
Setting Expectations and Balancing Independence
18:01
over on the weekends occasionally right and so we don't want people walking in squalor and so I think it's it's setting
18:07
the expectations early on with children to say here's what is expected of us in
18:13
life to just maintain cleanliness healthiness a balance right like both that mental
18:19
health of of resiliency and knowing like I'm worthy of love and attention and and friendship but also that I'm worthy of
18:26
also a clean space because studies show when you have a clean desk a clean area
18:31
you can be more focused there's less stress when there's not piles of junk everywhere and so early on it's it's
18:38
setting those stages uh and then with my 10-year-old you know she just turned 10 we were having some conversations like
18:44
okay you're double digits now uh I'm not going to keep making your breakfast I'm not going to keep cutting your food or whatever right I'm starting to give her
18:51
a sense of autonomy and ownership of what she's allowed to do and what she can do including walking to school like
18:57
this morning she goes in early for this math uh club that she's a part of she knows that we trust her with that
19:04
and with that trust comes responsibility and everything but it's a baby step towards one day you know babysitting or
19:12
driving or whatever so uh it's it's setting up the achievements early that they are uh achievable sorry to be
19:20
redundant there but they that there's easy wins for them but also that they know we have their back right that the
19:27
falling from fail is not going to be botting him out you know bankruptcy at 7
19:33
it's just going to be oh I skin my knee and here's dad with a Band-Aid uh and then next time it's oh I broke my arm
19:39
because I tried to you know ride my bike without holding the handlebars maybe that was a bad decision right and so uh
19:45
I'm not gonna mend her broken arm I'll take her to a doctor obviously but uh you know there's there's steps to get
19:50
there and um I I'll I'll conclude that that thought with my uncle when um I was
19:56
getting married I was talking with my uncle he's you know um 30 40 years older than me and uh one of my nieces or
20:05
another relativ had a baby that was just running around like crazy and climbing on things and I was like tense and
20:11
freaking out and he was just like no big deal like ignoring it and I was like how can you let your granddaughter just do
20:18
that without freaking out and he's like because one I trust my daughter to care for her child and because I know that
20:25
someday she's going to be driving and that stunt doing there is an easy win
20:31
for her for her to fail on and not get hurt right and and those the the risk
20:37
levels start to escalate but they don't go from crawling to driving you know an F1 car it's incremental and for kids
20:46
that means they fall in increments but also as parents then our stress level rises in increments we don't have to
20:52
worry unless I mean obviously if you're adopting or other situations right aside right uh but as you're raising a child
20:58
their risk level goes up with your tolerance level is what my uncle was getting at and so Translating that to
Navigating the Extremes of Parenting Styles
21:05
achievement as well is how do we get their risk level to grow in a way that is a manageable risk and easy wins for
21:13
the developmental stage that they're in yeah I mean it sounds like you I mean obviously with your multiple degrees and
21:18
and your experience you've you it sounds like you're probably super deliberate about you know about each stage and or
21:25
you try at least you try to be right and I'm I'm curious to your point we had a situation this last weekend at church
21:32
right we're doing it's the Advent season right before Christmas and all that kind of stuff so they do the children's
21:38
Nativity right like the children's Nativity yeah and there was there was a particular kid that for whatever reason
21:45
and this this shows my old crankiness but but for whatever reason the parents
21:51
allowed this kid to be in a six foot tall Dragon suit like one of the blowup
21:57
dragon suit which completely took away from in my opinion completely took away
22:02
from the entire production right like it's because it was hey look at me type
22:08
Behavior right you mean your your Bible doesn't have a dragon in the my Bible was missing the dragon they must have
22:15
you got an edited version man you got which I mean too you know and and
22:20
honestly it wasn't even like the diversion from the Nativity Story which which obviously I think is super
22:26
actually important not to be legalistic about it but like there's kind of this story in the Bible and this is the way
22:33
that happened and when you edit it to whatever your own needs and desires are then it gets a little wacky but it
22:40
seemed like that these parents had gone off of the you know kind of on the other
22:46
side of the Continuum like this is this is probably this is probably not a great empathetic choice to make my to allow my
22:54
kid to want to be the center of attention and to and to literally make him the center of attention right yeah
23:01
you know how do we balance how did dads balance that because you you we kind of walking down we're and I think we're
23:07
still here this whole gentle parenting ask you know John Christ has a great bit about his sister you know the
23:15
kids having a complete tantrum because he broke a crayon in chilies and he
23:20
tells this joke like I I just want to offer this as a service if I ever see your kids acting like this I will beat
23:27
your kids for you which which is you know off the other end of the Continuum I'm curious
23:34
like where are we as a society of parents of these younger kids because my kids are older right we we miss this
23:41
whole thing um I know there a huge long-winded question but I just I just want to get your sense because this is I
23:46
don't live in this world yeah I'm kind of outside looking in well yeah you were kind of at the height of the helicopter
23:52
parent uh movement yeah and I think I mean I think for me and where I sit and
23:59
and having you know managed this Facebook community and continue to talk with dads all the time I think we're too
Finding Balance and Being Like Water
24:04
diverse to have one movement anymore I think there are so many resources and
24:10
you know my book among them uh that took me a while to write because I was like do I even want to add another bit to the
24:17
chaos of everything but I think the um the easy way to the easiest way to
24:23
answer that is uh there's so many choices it's up to every day to to research and figure it out um I say in
24:31
my book I say it everywhere like you can read every book on fatherhood and Parenthood but ultimately the manual you
24:36
need is the one you co-create with your child and so I think for me it's not so much labeling as helicopter or gentle or
24:43
whatnot it's more how are you building a unique special relationship with another person and with our partners it's you
24:49
know finding someone who we want to spend the rest of our life with that we'll put up with all of our flaws but also rejoice in our successes and with
24:57
our children it's very similar where you know they come into this world relying on absolutely everything and you know
25:04
one week into my child's life uh my wife was you know needing to get out of the house right it was she was born a week
25:11
ago so middle of a winter of Chicago and we were holed up in our house and my wife is like I'm going s crazy I just
25:18
need to go to Target I just need to go somewhere for an hour just to stretch and and not be thinking about motherhood
25:24
and so she fed the baby and left and you know we we were breastfeeding and not we're trying not to do formula yet and
25:30
of course my daughter decides I'm hungry right after my wife leaves and I'm like are you serious and so like I texted my
25:37
wife I was like hey don't come back right away but just so you know this is happening I'm I'm gonna figure it out
25:42
I'm gonna be the dad here but I felt so worthless because all I could do was offer her a hug right I could do skin to
25:49
skin I could like swaddle her whatever but I couldn't feed her and so as a man
25:55
I realized what is the one thing I can provide as a dad and a human being is attention and care if I can't provide
26:02
food and so that's what I I kind of made that choice right then and there like
26:08
I'm G to be attentive as much as I can I will stay a step as much as I can ahead
26:13
of the developmental curve for her uh but but also listen to her when she says
26:18
this is what I want or this is what I don't want and and push a little bit right when she wanted to quit gymnastics
26:24
we didn't say sure right away we let her you know struggle a little and same with soccer she was you she got hit really
26:30
hard with a soccer ball in the head which is you know everybody freaks out with head injuries but she was
26:56
gunshy31 and I was like okay all right I'll let you be afraid right now right like let's talk to Mom who was coaching
27:02
like let's have Mom pull you for this game right and and then something happened right like
27:08
some friends of hers pushed her to to think about it differently and this season holy cow like you can't keep her
27:14
away from the balls like she's got assist after assist she's scored all these different things um but if I
27:19
wasn't attentive to that right if I wasn't gentle when I needed to be gentle but but pushing just enough when I
27:25
needed to right uh then then who knows where we would be and so I think ultimately to get back to your very
27:32
complex question um uh and trying not to step on any political landmines I think
27:37
the the route is I don't we don't care at max out man podcast say whatever you want no no plus it doesn't hurt your
27:44
particular brand no no it doesn't no it's all good um but I think you know kind of going back to Jesus and
27:52
Buddha and all these other you know religious Traditions that say there's a middle way right there's a common balancing way that we all need to find
27:59
in the daa Ching uh you know there's a a chapter that talks about it's best to be like water that flows and moves when it
Expanding Narratives of Fatherhood in Society
28:05
must but moves around when it has to and and so as parents how do we act like water how do we you know respond but
28:12
push gently and those gentle pushes right like unless it's a flash flood water doesn't change the earth rapidly
28:20
it it slowly moves a river where it needs to be moved and so how do we as parents slowly move around our children
28:27
and push them in the direction that we see their skills leaning but also
28:32
stepping back and and just as hard as it is be present when all they want us is
28:37
to just sit there and read a book next to them while they read a book or grab the Lego brick because they're building
28:43
it but they don't know where the one brick is that that they need to find which happens more often than not in my house so you can't see it but just over
28:51
there is just piles of Legos so oh man you're I mean yeah there's probably $1,000 wor a Legos if there's a pile
28:58
right Legos oh yeah well I saved all mine I was that guy that saved all my Legos so we're just expanding on every
29:05
and who knows what Santa's gonna bring for Christmas but yeah we're gonna have a lot more Legos in the house yeah I wish I wish I had I wish I had all the
29:12
Legos that I had at one time you know you go you go look at some of these sets and you're like 300 bucks for a set of
29:18
of actual Legos this is crazy I mean there's some cool some cool uh designs
29:23
and and uh stuff like that that they do but how you know I to your point it
29:28
seems like that us that we in the in the western culture at least we're not very
29:33
good at balance in in what you're describing right it seems like with each generation we get out of balance almost
29:41
out of balance the direct opposite end of the Continuum from the previous generation like if if we were a
29:47
generation that were too hard on our on our kids My Generation then my kids's
29:53
generation then are too soft like they literally just let their kids do whatever they want which is right not
30:00
not appropriate in most you know most areas of life like if if you want to
30:06
exist in society you can't just run around screaming in the middle of a crowd right that's trying to pay
30:11
attention to something how how does that look in today's like how do we teach
30:17
fathers especially because fathers tend to you know fill that different kind of role and tend to be in a more leadership
30:23
type role just from a in in in I guess kind of the generic terms but how do we
30:30
how do we teach dads how not to be on one side of that Continuum or
30:35
another that I mean that's a really loaded question and uh I'll try to be
30:41
succinct because this is I mean I've been doing men masculin work for 20 years um long before I did fatherhood
30:48
work uh because they are slightly different right but um so from the so I'll answer it in two
30:54
different ways from the societal standpoint you know we have these messages that are still seen in in Mad
Teaching Dads to Find Balance and Prepare Mentally
31:02
Men right with that Revival uh there's a show out now called lessons in chemistry that's all about the 50s and the science
31:08
culture and the sexism there and uh and but we also see it in politics and in in
31:13
all sorts of areas where um this idea that men are absolute leaders that they can be
31:21
alphas and have no consequences there's there's societal support for that for better for worse and
31:28
uh growing up you know like I was taught I I'm the firstborn son I'm uh you know
31:35
I can do what I want I've got the skills I can do whatever um you know my parents told that to me my and to my sister but
31:42
you know Society at large was also reinforcing things that my parents didn't want reinforce uh and so when you
31:48
get to become a dad you're like okay well now I have to say I have to step back right my life is no longer my own
31:53
it's for my children yet for the first 20 30 years of my life I was the alpha I
31:59
was the end of my story right the the main character and now I'm going to be the side character and and maybe even a
32:06
cardboard character in the background at some point and so I think the the from
32:12
the societal point of view there's larger systems at play that we need to be confronting we need to be able to say
32:18
it's it's not weird when there are women leaders in the workplace it's not right
32:23
right and it's not and there's nothing wrong with you know equity and and allowing opportunities
32:30
for women and and others to to rise to the top because it's not an issue of men losing power or losing opportunity even
32:38
though a lot of people will like to spin it that way um for me I spin it as we get a gain other opportunities right
32:44
like there's a network uh a national organization called the national at home Dad Network they've got several thousand
32:50
members they meet every year most of these are men that chose to be the primary care holder or primary career a
32:57
primary uh parent at home and their wives are doctors their wives are
33:02
anything right but they had a great career or they had a skill set that they wanted to pursue and the and the the
33:08
guys that I know in that Network were like great I actually kind of want to be a dad I want to St at home I I I have
33:14
this innate desire to make the the lunches in the morning and see them off to school and and so to on the society
33:22
level expand those narratives of what dads can be for their families
33:27
is an opportunity that I think we should lean into and that doesn't make you less of a man it doesn't mean that you still
33:33
aren't buff and strong and could go bench lift a car if you wanted to yeah it just means that you're tapping into
33:38
that feminine energy and wanting to be a caring parent not just this this tough guy or this this business suit um on the
33:46
personal level then that means doing some of that deep work ahead of having children uh when I interviewed dad's for
33:51
the book you know I asked all of them when did you know you wanted to be a child a parent and when and what steps
33:57
did you do to prepare once your wife or your partner said we're going to have a baby and 99% of them said I read some
34:04
books or I went to a doctor's appointment uh maybe you know I like this one guy made a pros and cons list
34:10
of all the things that were going to change uh but only like one or two
34:15
people said I went on a personal Retreat or I went and got therapy or I did some mental health preparation ahead of being
34:21
a dad because as you know or if you're like most of us it's like what' you do to prepare well I had sex with my wife
34:27
right yeah right that that was about as much preparation as I or or I built the crib
34:34
right like I did the did together right yeah the the tough guy stuff right and and none of those things are wrong right
34:40
especially not the sex part that's a lot of fun but the the deeper part right that innate like who Am I who am I to to
34:47
my children those questions that you may never have asked yourself those aren't the questions you ask at 2 a.m. when
34:52
your kid is screaming for a bottle and you're exhausted those are the questions you ask before the baby arrives because
34:58
that will give you the time to process and think right and so as
Challenging Societal Expectations and Building Supportive Communities
35:04
men having the awareness having the opportunities to step into communities
35:10
to ask other men really tough questions to find that support is critical but
35:15
also then having other men hold you accountable to what it what you want to be as a man and as a father husband what
35:22
have you uh and and finding that right community of of pushers and supporters
35:27
because I was very lucky to find those on my street we there you know when we moved in it was all a bunch of empty
35:33
nesters we were kind of the first young family to move on to my block and now like it's completely you know turned
35:39
over our kids all walk to school together you know it's very Leave it to Beaver kind of like 1950s like
35:44
everybody's very much more diverse than the 1950s but you know it's it's this great little like Street of of friends
35:50
for my kids but not everyone has that and so do you find it virtually do you find it your church your workplace maybe the gym
35:57
gym wherever you need to right um but with fing together that's what we've tried to build and that was really
36:03
getting to back to one of your earlier questions that's what drove fathering together is how do we find communities
36:09
for dads to find that support and accountability where they can be vulnerable without feeling ashamed or or
36:15
judged and then ultimately as they get ready how do we work towards Equity how do we create opportunities for all of
36:21
our children to thrive no matter how they identify or what they want to do in their lives um and and have those
36:26
support systems both virtually especially during the pandemic and now that we're mostly out of the pandemic
36:32
let's let's hope knock on wood uh you know we have inperson groups across the country where dads get together and
36:37
learn how to do diapers together or go to movies together both by themselves and and have a dad night but also with
36:43
their kids uh we do school-based programs where uh this one school a couple Towns over they meet monthly as
36:50
dads and then once a semester they do a project for the school they did a paper airplane dads and donuts fun day with
36:56
their k kids last fall had over 100 people show up for it last spring they did a uh a clean the gardens and the the
37:03
playground and kind of did some like endof year maintenance uh as as just volunteers right as a way to get more
37:09
engaged to show that schools are not just for moms and children right dads have a role to play in the schools and
37:15
and here's one Avenue that this this community of dads is doing it so so yeah
37:21
I think that's as best as I know how to answer that question no I mean I think that's a great answer and you know a
37:27
couple things I picked up on first of all I like the fact that the with the thing that you just described at the
37:33
schools that it isn't I think so many times that we try to we try to turn dads
Creating Community for Dads
37:41
into pseudo moms right right like and I think that that's great that they're doing
37:46
more and I don't want to say man things but I think that that are typically you
37:52
know typically more man interests masculine interests uh because I think one of the one of the
37:59
problems that we are seeing now is it's really hard I think it's hard to be a masculine Dad yeah you know and to be
38:06
okay with like okay I can show up for my kids I can be vulnerable I can say I'm sorry I can like with me I said I'm
38:12
sorry all the time these are my failures this is how I screwed up you know let's move on how I hurt you all those things
38:19
but then also to be a masculine you know more traditional masculine guy that
38:24
fixes things when my daughter was like 18 months old I had her underneath a hot rod changing the oil with me and you
Challenging Gender Stereotypes
38:31
know sort of more of those and if and if that's not your leanings as a dad then that's totally okay yeah sure but I I
38:38
think we're kind and again it's like that which that's where we have a hard time balancing that Continuum right like
38:43
I could be like you and I liked your point you can be a stay-at-home dad and still like working out and fitness and
38:49
working on cars and all of these things it doesn't it doesn't mean that being a stay-at-home dad doesn't mean that
38:55
you're a a a stay-at-home mom that's yeah yeah right right right well and
39:02
just the same as like moms that stay at home are not just you know Homemakers like we think of in in the traditional
39:09
like stereotypical term they're doing 9,000 things to make the Home Run efficiently they're volunteering in
39:15
their Community doing all these things right and so why can't dads do those and we just have a different angle we a
39:21
different you know skill set that we bring and and I think you know uh I I
Balancing Masculinity and Vulnerability
39:27
started doing men and masculinities work a few years really probably more like a decade before toxic masculinity became a
39:34
term and all of us in the space cringed when that came out because we knew how
39:39
everyone was going to interpret that and you know and we've seen it play out in terrible ways and both of us that are in
39:46
this line of work around ma healthy masculinity and balance human life existence what have
39:52
you we like I've heard two things I've heard confined to masculinity and incomplete masculinity confined
39:59
meaning that we're only allowed a certain level of emotional expression we're only allowed a certain range of
Expanding Traditional Gender Roles
40:04
skills and jobs incomplete in the same sense right like I am incomplete if I
40:10
can't draw because that's one way that I journal or or meditate or whatever right
40:15
um I'm incomplete if I can't cook because I love cooking and my wife doesn't and so I'm I'm I'm in charge of
40:21
the kitchen whether that's grocery shopping cooking cleaning whatever she does laundry that's her thing I always
40:26
screw it up I've definitely ruined some clothes of ours because you know whatever and so we've kind of made that
40:32
balance in our home that kitchen is mine laundry is hers right fine great that doesn't make me less of a man there's
40:38
some amazing chefs out there that are men and women right and which ironically that that whole women belong in the
40:44
kitchen thing makes no sense when you look CU professional chefs are like 80%
40:49
men or more yeah yeah yeah um and and there's other reasons for that too right
40:55
but 100% uh but but I think yeah but to your point like men are not Mom
41:02
substitutes We Are Men We Are fathers we have something to contribute and that
41:07
doesn't mean we have to be feminine in our energy it just means we have to be whole we have to know that it's okay to
41:13
cry and it's okay to to go to the ballet on one day with our daughters and then watch football with them the next day
41:19
and say there's nothing wrong with either thing both are highly competitive extremely athletic Endeavors like if you
Breaking Free from Confined and Incomplete Masculinity
41:26
ever met a ballerina like they're corded muscle right like holy cow like they could probably take on a a footballer on
41:34
a Sprint or something right so so to like to to put one thing above the other
41:39
is doing a disservice to our kids because that then that's telling them this is something you cannot do because
41:44
I disdain that versus pointing out to all these other opportunities that we do
41:50
approve of right and you know I say this in in a vacuum of this call and and
41:55
obviously every father and every couple has to make those decisions on their own whether you're together or not and all
42:01
this stuff but but I think the one piece of advice that my my father-in-law gave
42:07
me when we told them we were having kids I was like any any advice you know just kind of like joking because we are good
42:12
friends but we're much better friends now you know we're still getting to know each other back then and and he's like I don't know what to tell you like we're
Encouraging Diverse Interests and Activities
42:18
still you whatever she's like all I can tell you is exposer to every opportunity you can think of like that's all that's
42:24
all you need to do as a dad is just expose your kids to to to do cool things and even when those things are
42:32
mind-numbing and Grading on your conscience like going to a Taylor Swift concert or I took my girl I took my
42:39
girls to Taylor Swift back in the day yeah love I love her message uh you know we listen to her all the time but you
42:44
know after the fifth hour you kind of want to change the you know change the radio right so uh no on Taylor
42:50
Swift I love Taylor Swifts if you're listening please don't hate me um if you're listening Taylor if you're
42:56
listening please share this out to your network yes that too yes that too uh Kevin Davis and Brian Anderson are
43:02
really cool people that's right that's right um but you know any anything right like I mean we would have Disney songs
43:09
on randomly repeating day in a day out when they were super little right or those they were The Wiggles so Wiggles
Exposing Children to a Variety of Opportunities
43:15
sure sure yeah we had Take Me Elmo playing forever right Elmo's World or
43:20
whatever like all those are great things in moderation so how do you how do you
43:26
expose your kids though right like how do you like not do too much screen time if you are doing screen time how do you
43:31
make it educational not just YouTube and and you know just mind-numbing stuff right and and to be fair the the level
43:38
of intelligent kids programming now compared to our childhood is like Leaps and Bounds too right there's lots of
43:44
great opportunities to have your screen not be a parent but just a tool and a resource for education so yeah um so
43:52
anyway long story short yeah I think uh I don't even know what your question
43:57
was Taylor so distracted me that's okay that's all right I think that
44:02
answered that part of the question you go going back to some of what you were saying about women's roles and I've talked about in the podcast before but
44:09
my wife was a stay-at-home home uh our kids both graduated from high school
44:14
quote unquote when they were 17 and left the house so we became empty nesters and then and then she's she started building
44:22
uh Jeeps racing off-road welding all these crazy things that are and so I got
44:29
to be deeply engrossed into the all female side of the trade industry nice
44:36
and I would recommend that if you have any chance to be exposed to these women go do that because it will make you
44:42
realize that men aren't as aren't as vulgar as you think they are until you get to be around a lot of Trades women
Building a Supportive Community
44:49
because some of the things that were said and a lot of times I was the only guy around so which was funny cuz I
44:56
became the guy that kind of you know swept the floors and all those all those things but but all that to say that I
45:01
think that when we Define women's traditional roles versus men's traditional roles you know uh we think
45:07
of welders as men but in reality welders women make great better welders in a lot
45:13
of cases especially with TIG welding because it's a two-handed it's a two-handed activity but yeah exposing
45:19
your kids all that stuff I think is is awesome I think my girls uh learned that you can kind of do anything I was an
45:27
entrepreneur I I do some real estate and we do some and I I had to renovate a house so I took my 20 she was probably
45:34
24 at the time took her down to this house and had her learn how to frame and do drywall and all these things nice not
45:40
knowing that she was going to buy a 125 year old house a couple of years later
45:46
and so now she sends me these texts and these videos like Hey Dad I just renovated my my bathroom and she's
45:52
asking me questions here and there but yeah so like really exposing them to all of that stuff uh whether or not it's
45:58
something you enjoy or not is is super important for sure yeah well and and
Sharing Skills and Knowledge
46:04
that's where like the community also can come in because you know I grew up with some close family friends and their dads
46:10
were not like me or well they're not like me but they're not like my dad and so they gave me another role model of
46:16
fatherhood to to look at and uh it explore and ask questions when I didn't feel comfortable asking my dad a
46:22
question or in the case of my current situation our nextdoor neighbor he does coding and Tech development and I don't
46:30
he's also a really great guitarist and so in the pandemic he would just sit in his backyard and have concerts for his
46:35
kids and you know so all the rest of us that shared property lines we all just played in the backyard in our respective
46:41
spaces and and of course all the kids were like well I want to play that right and so he taught them how to make like
46:47
cheap little like you know a string and a cord kind of like play guitars or whatever and I can't do those things for
46:54
my kids I can teach them a whole bunch of other stuff but uh but it was great right and and he doesn't know how to
46:59
garden he doesn't know how to cook and so his daughter's constantly asking me questions when I'm in my backyard cleaning and prepping things and and so
47:06
in a way like you know it's not just you and your wife it's you your wife and all the other adults around your children
47:12
that are helping educate and so you can be intentional there too like how as best you can how can you incorporate
47:19
really positive people in your life around you not just for your own health and well-being but also for that next
47:25
generation our children and we I was joking my uh my cousin just had a baby
47:30
and and so I went and you know brought her food and and was meeting the the baby and everything and and she was like
Embracing the Power of Community
47:36
oh I can't wait to do this and this and this and I was like yeah that all sounds great but just wait see what your child does right and uh her childhood best
47:43
friend just had a baby so she's so excited that her child will be best friends with her friend's child and I'm like well when they go to school it's
47:49
going to be a whole new ball game because you know you're going to meet other parents and and now you can't just
47:55
me a couples friend you got to make up a couple's friends and kids that your kids are going to like want to hang out with
48:00
right super complicated so complicated yes uh but if it all works out or if
48:07
partially works out then great because now you know you can have friends over and have an adult conversation while
48:13
your kids distract each other rather than you know pestering you the whole time or asking you questions and interrupting you so uh but but yeah so
48:21
but to your point like exposing your kids getting them to Shadow you where they can and if and if they are
48:26
developing skills that you have no clue how to address finding somebody else to help with that or or again with your
48:32
wife like let her take the lead on something that you don't know how to do my wife's a physical therapist and we
48:38
have anatomical models in our house of of female uh Anatomy because she does a lot of postpartum Health with women and
48:45
helping them reclaim their bodies and and all of that after childbirth and so we've never used slang we've always used
48:51
appropriate things and my kids don't have vulgar mouths but they're just very explicit about things that I'm like okay
Avoiding Stereotypes and Embracing Diversity
48:58
this is an in the house word or we don't need to be talking about this in in
49:03
places where people don't know us because they're going to look at us funny right so you know setting those
49:09
expectations again right yeah and I I love the idea of the community I've got some friends that their son is super
49:15
into cars and and they they love cars but they don't have really any
49:21
Automotive knowledge and so and I haven't they haven't taken me up on this but they're in Florida I'm like fly that
49:27
kid up here for a week I'll teach him how to rebuild an engine or I'll at least you know show him the inner workings of an engine I've got multiple
49:34
engines here on in my shop you know just for fun and so that gives me an
49:39
opportunity you know to feed into other kids and to expose them to something that whether it's because of Interest or
49:45
skill set or finances or whatever they may not have the opportunity to teach their kids right and there may not you
49:52
know I think that one-on-one time is even better than you know going to a community event or or whatever which
49:58
which those are great but I think having that to be able to feed into each other's kids and great great opportunity
50:04
for you living in a neighborhood like that that has that camaraderie and multi
50:10
you know faceted network of dads and moms and all that that's got to be so cool yeah I mean we we didn't know it
50:17
right you don't really know everything when you buy a house but it was close to our schools that we wanted it was close to different things and you know our our
50:25
neighbor across the street she's a an elderly woman that has kids but no grandkids and so every time we're
50:31
outside she's saying hi Grandma neighborhood yeah she's bringing over treats and things and and I shovel her
50:37
driveway right because you know it it helps her out in the winter months or whatever right it's part of that Village right it's it's the communities that we
50:43
need to to survive because that's how as a species we've grown and adapted over the years right like we need to lean on
50:49
each other um and there was one other thing that you mentioned that's alluding
50:55
me now um about Community but if it comes back it'll come back so okay never mind yeah I I do want to be respectful
51:02
of your time but I want I want to ask you one particular thing about raising daughters in kind of this modern man
51:09
thing like when when my kids were were coming up when we were kind of getting to the almost basically the ages you are
51:15
we did you know the daddy daughter dance and when we did that I made sure you
51:21
know to like come to the door quote unquote and you know all of this thing and I and and I've always treated my
51:27
wife I always open her door for her I open the car door for her and you know the more quote unquote you know
51:33
chivalrous sure ways of treating her and my girls have said in the past hey
51:39
thanks for showing me what what what a good model is of how you could treat your wife yeah how do you teach your
51:47
girls about masculinity and be you know kind of being in these male female
51:53
relationships and those kind of things ironically my my one daughter married a woman um so my all
52:01
differenty different energy all all the all of those you know didn't really totally apply but they actually they
52:08
actually do apply in a lot of cases but I'm curious how you are teaching your daughters as they navigate that like you
52:14
know there's that old joke if you pull up in front of my house to pick up my daughter and honk you better be delivering something because you're sure
52:21
as hell are not picking something up yeah yeah you know those kind of
52:26
yeah um well on that note so when we were getting the dads with daughter's Facebook Community up you know people would post sometimes like oh I bought a
52:33
gun because I have a daughter you know protect you know all that kind of stuff and and by no means am I saying we shouldn't be protectors but there's an
52:40
inherent violence towards somebody else in those jokes and I don't I definitely we would take those posts down and say
52:45
like no we're here to uplift people not like like if you raise your daughter correctly she's not going to want to
52:51
date someone that you need a gun around right like that just seems so old fash to me right so um but uh but on the
Teaching Daughters about Masculinity
52:59
other side like I don't want her dating someone who's just going to honk and wait outside for her either right like
53:04
yeah and and so I love that you are shiverers I love that you are kind of role modeling that behavior not just to
53:09
your wife right like and I think that's the piece too where I do those things for my wife for sure but I also let her do those for me sometimes uh because you
53:17
know sometimes I I'm sick or I need help with something right whatever it's just being a good human but also um I do that
53:24
for other people people right I how am I showing up in the world as a um a member of the world not a leader of
Being a Role Model of Good Manhood
53:31
the world right like somebody who can give and take at the same time and I think that's where I I never say like
53:37
this is what a man is because that's too essentialist in a way uh to sound that
53:42
sounded elitist but that just too that's too specific for my daughters to even comprehend but but they know I'm a man
53:49
they know I'm a father and a dad and all those titles and so the actions that I do around that making making sure the
53:55
house is clean making sure that they have what they need to get to school remembering important things like their
54:00
best friend's name it's amazing how many dads I talk to that don't know the best friend uh or the best friend's name
54:07
right and and that's a disservice to your child because that's telling them you don't care enough to know the details now do I remember every kid's
54:14
name hell no but I remember their their top three friends right and and I asked like hey do you want to play with them
54:19
this weekend or hey what's going on with this person and and their family to show that as a man I care about things humans
Living a Connected Dad Life
54:27
and not just the bottom line or some archaic Breadwinner kind of ideology
54:33
whatever you want to call it um but I think the other piece is um I mean yeah
54:38
not being exposit but uh in the book I I modeled the book off of servant leadership which is a corporate term
54:44
that you Robert Green Leaf back in the 60s created basically saying like I'm the CEO but if I don't treat my staff
54:50
correctly they're not going to work very well and that means my shareholders are going to be pissed because we didn't make a profit so how do I serve my my
54:55
staff the way I want them to be treated so that they grow and flourish in my business rather than leave and go to a
55:00
competitor and as I would talk to dads I realized that's what fatherhood is right I don't want my kids seeing another dad
55:06
or another person as better than me or an alternative to me that is GNA one up me in some way I'm jealous enough I have
55:13
a bit of an ego enough to to not want that to happen um but also then how do I make sure that they build the resilience
55:20
and the right choices in their life so when they do meet a partner later on man woman whatever
55:25
that they are finding the values in those people that we hold as a family that they're finding people that are
55:30
complimentary rather than you know rebelling and eloping and I never see them again uh my youngest I will never
55:37
see again because she's one of those just independent like if I hear from her once a year after she turns 18 I'll be
55:43
happy uh don't let her read to uh Vagabond in other words that book Vagabond right or or on the road or any
55:51
of these like soul searching you know Endeavors yes uh I mean chances are she'll be the next Taylor Swift given
55:57
her pension for standup comedy and and and music and everything else which will be great you know whatever but um
56:03
whereas my my oldest is ready to move across the street and and and never get too far away so those will probably
56:09
change but um but how are how am I in my manhood in my my day-to-day living of my
56:15
values illustrating what a good man is to my children to my partner whomever
56:22
but most importantly to myself right we the most times with ourselves and so am I going to bed every night confident
56:28
that I did everything I could for my family for my co-workers for myself did I spend time in prayer did I spend time
56:34
exercising did I get a little bit of video games in just to get that itch of nerdiness out right and and that
56:40
childhood boy that played video games as a kid right like how am I doing that for myself but then also is the kitchen
56:46
clean is everything put away do we have meals prepped for the next day whatever you know your family does for those kind
56:51
of dayto days and and if I can say yes to as many of those things as possible then it's a good day and for me I know I
56:58
don't get enough sleep um so that's the one thing that is is a bad thing so we can talk offline about all the things
57:03
I'm doing wrong around that but uh from your health perspective but um but by being that that good person quote
57:10
unquote I'm showing my daughters what a good man is in in my opinion and um I
57:17
it's misattributed all the time but there's a quote like you know speak the gospel use words if necessary and and
57:22
that's definitely something that I've I learned early and and apply as often as I can because actions are are far louder
57:29
than words especially when our kids are little and so uh yeah just trying to live up to that every day and they're
57:34
and they're watching right they're they they absorb everything and watch everything even when we don't think or
57:40
when we don't think they're listening they'll bring up something that we don't even remember saying and and they were three Towns over and somehow heard it
57:47
right so yeah my daughter my daughter is deaf in one ear but she could literally hear and she was an eavesdropper so she
57:53
would literally hear everything that ever was said in the house and then she' be upset about something I'm like well
57:59
you're the one that's sneaking in on my conversation if you want to be part of the conversation come into the room
58:04
right right or or explain more about that Dad what do you mean by that and it's like you're not an adult yet you're
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
58:10
you're not gonna understand let it go right yeah well and I think too to your point like you you know you've just
58:16
shared two critical things like your when your child is De an year another is lesbian like all of us have these things
58:22
in our families that no one knows necess neily right and so for us just to walk into a room and assume well this guy is
58:29
a bodybuilder he must have all these other attributes that's the ladder of inference that's going to lead to bad things for everybody right like we're
58:35
all so diverse in our makeup and our backgrounds we have so many different things in our backgrounds that to walk
58:41
into a room and assume everything about a person based on a few bits of information is is a just a disservice
58:48
and so I think that's another piece of this manhood thing for our children is to show like don't jump to conclusions
58:54
assess the situation before you make any big rash decisions and and if you are
59:00
going to make a rash decision at least breathe a couple seconds before you hit go so that you know some level of
59:07
Consciousness gets in there to say is this really the right thing to be yeah at least at least have some knowledge
59:13
that you are making a rash decision and there could be bad consequences there could be good consequences which is
59:18
which is fine I think that's a great I think that's a great place to finish up I want to uh tell me you know we've
59:24
mentioned the book multiple times which is awesome tell me about the book how to find the book how to find more
59:29
information about you and kind of the things that you're doing you know found you on LinkedIn so show me what you got
Avoiding Assumptions and Rash Decisions
59:35
this is the book fing together same as the organization I founded because it
59:40
just seemed right so much of the organization is built into that book uh as I said you know it's it's looking at
59:46
how to live a connected dad life through the values of servant leadership that we see in the world because uh again many
59:52
of us are taught to be professionals first and Dad second and so if that's the case how do we use those
59:57
professional skills back in the home right we're all team managers we all use communication in the office why can't we
1:00:02
just use those at home so basically just lifting up those kind of like tried andrue methods of the workplace and
1:00:08
applying them in into the home with family find it Amazon find it our website filing together.org uh that's
1:00:14
where you can find our organization where you can tap into our virtual communities uh step up and be a leader
1:00:20
in your own Community to lead a school program or you know get involved with a city group that we have involved in our
1:00:26
Network um my personal website is this connected de wow nope just kidding my
1:00:31
website is the connected dad life and uh the connected dad. life uh Sor I clarify
1:00:38
that uh you know I I definitely work one on one with dads uh one of my degrees is in in Ministry so I do spiritual
1:00:44
Direction and guidance in that way rather than like kind of traditional coaching so uh basically how do how do
1:00:51
we use our relationship with God as a template for the relationship we want with others in our lives and um uh so
1:00:57
yeah so I have a couple clients I work with every month on that and just helping you know find that balance with people but fathering together.org
1:01:03
fathering together is all of our handles on all the different things and uh yeah it's been a wild ride appreciate you
1:01:09
having me Kevin thanks for coming on board I'll put all those links of course and I'll put probably an affiliate link
1:01:14
to your book uh for for Amazon and we'll have all that out there too so hey Briana thank you so much for joining me
1:01:20
man I appreciate you and I appreciate what you're doing for for dads in the world that's that's awesome well thank
1:01:26
you for letting me share a bit of my story and for getting words out there too expanding these definitions and
1:01:31
experiences love it thanks thanks Ben if you're looking to really maximize your
1:01:36
life and become the man you were made to be head over to MaxOut man.com and get
1:01:42
your journey started [Music] today



English (auto-generated)

All
From Maxed Out Man
Related
Recently uploaded